[MASIMO]

mY t is on vacation for 2 weeks so it will be 3 weeks between sessions.
After our session this week, which was extremely bonding, I was feeling so close to him.
He self discloses a lot with me. He was talking about his father for a while, but relating the experience to mine. It was helpful to me, and it did draw me to him.

With him leaving, I was feeling sad and needy, so I sent him an email saying I missed him already, that I felt very close to him, and that my affections for him were apparent. He knows I have feelings for him. We had the big transference discussion several years ago. He never brings it up, and I only do so in an email from time to time. I really try to not go there with him. After 35 years as a therapist, I would think he would be comfortable enough to address my feelings, but I feel he totally ignores them.
Sometimes I really need to let them out!!!!

He responded to my email that "It needs to be professional and helpful" between us
and then went on to address his absence, if I wanted to see someone else, and gave me a pep talk about how much progress I have made. But once again, he didn't address how I was feeling.

I responded that I do feel our therapy is professional and that he has been so helpful to me, and that I hope to continue to progress. But that I thought it was "safe" to express my personal feelings towards him, that I consider them separate from our therapeutic relationship. They are what they are, no less. That I am asking for nothing from him but to accept that I have these feelings. And maybe let me speak of them once in a while. I apologized for overstepping any boundaries.

So, his return email I had to read several times to decipher the tone.
He said, "Straight and level, above board, and honest....ok, alright...
I am glad you have faith in me...please accept my faith in you.

First I thought he was saying what he was about to say was straight and level, ect.
After reading it over and over, I think rather he was saying I was being straight and honest with him, as I was very direct in explaining myself, and that OK, alright... he is accepting my feelings.
And is asking me to accept his "faith" in me. I know he has faith in me, that's nothing new. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, just that I am interpreting him correctly that he is finally accepting my feelings. It's imortant to me that he accepts me for who I am and that my feelings are real. We have discussed that we have an intimate relationship but that it ethically could never become sexual. Maybe now he will let me talk about them when they get too strong.

[bunnylove45]

I love that your therapist actually responds to your emails!!

[MASIMO]

Yes i really that about him. But sometimes they leave me guessing..like now.

[unaluna]

You say you have feelings for your t that are separate from the therapy. What would happen if you looked at them as part of the therapy? As part of your intimate relationship with him in the therapy room, yet the boundaries remain in place? I was watching The Bold and the Beautiful yesterday, and I realize it's just a soap, but I was like, really, sleep with your sister's husband just because you have FEEEEEELINGS?? I think maybe exploring feelings is good. Immediately acting on feelings, not so good. Even movie actors have to harness their feelings to their craft.

[MASIMO]

I have always tried to keep my feelings out of the therapy room.
I need both of us to be as professional and serious as possible as My life is at stake.
I want to keep the focus on me and not entertaining My fantasies about him.
I can usual keep my affections towards him in check in and out of session, but sometimes I weaken and i just have to get them out. He once said he would just have to get used to it, and I have tried to do the same. I try to be thankful that i can actually love a man again, even though I know We can never be together.