[tinyrabbit]

I volunteered at an animal shelter during my teens. I helped out in the cattery: feeding the cats, cleaning and trying to give them some attention. Some of them were always pleased to see me and would cry and cling to me when I left. One of them, however, was really vicious and scratched me all the time. I had to wear gardening gloves before going in to try to handle her. Sometimes she'd let me hold her for a bit, but then she'd freak out and scratch me again. She didn't have any way of telling me how she felt or what frightened her. All she could do was panic and scratch me.

I think that's what I've been like with my T. Last week, I walked into a session and said: "I feel overwhelmed." And I realised it was the first time I had ever just told him how I felt instead of acting out the feelings. I told him I feel like that cat. I've been scratching him over and over, because I don't know how else to tell him how I'm feeling. (I am really horrible to my T a lot of the time, even though I don't want to be )

My T seemed interested in this. And then he said he thinks I'm the one who needs the protective gloves, not him. Huh.

[A Red Panda]

I think it's a good point he made tinyrabbit - you're hurting yourself a lot more than you've hurt him.

Just like the cat - when you react like the cat, you end up missing out on the comfort and instead feel the stress and guilt that come from having surprised/hurt someone.

[likelife]

I think sometimes it feels like you (one) has to come out swinging first, because if you don't, you're likely to get scratched first.

I think it's great you've been able to gain this insight. Now on to learning how to retract your claws...

[Wren_]

that's a really big thing that you were able to share with your T what is going on instead of just acting it out ... and an interesting response he gave about you being the one who needs the gloves; did he talk more about that or just leaving things with that comment?

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks everyone. It frustrates me endlessly that I have such a great and lovely T and I just keep scratching him. But that's obviously about me and nothing to do with how lovely he is or isn't.

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

when you react like the cat, you end up missing out on the comfort and instead feel the stress and guilt

This, exactly this.

Originally Posted by tigergirl

an interesting response he gave about you being the one who needs the gloves; did he talk more about that or just leaving things with that comment?

Thinking about it, he didn't directly say: "You need the gloves, not me." I described myself as being like this cat who scratches people and needs to be handled with gloves.

Then my T started talking about how I needed gloves to protect me, but the ones I need are too big and heavy to carry, as I'm so fragile.

Afterwards, I thought: hang on, that's all wrong, he's the one who needs the gloves, then realised what he was trying to tell me.