I feel uncomfortable about this, but not sure what to think

IndestructibleGirl · Oct 09, 2013 at 06:54 AM

I'm getting this distinct feeling that the more my therapist gets to know me the more she backs off because I'm just unpleasant. This makes me want to quit, obviously. I feel like a lost cause.

For example, a few weeks ago she was all like "no you're not needy or demanding, other people in your life have not met you fairly" etc, and she was warm and I believed her. But last night it had changed to "well we'll see if you are needy and demanding, and understand why and see what we can do to change it" and I felt a bit...I dunno. Like she's seeing how awful I really am and doesn't feel I'm worth it. Other little things have changed too, like she's become more formal in her communication with me, less relaxed and warm and friendly.

It does hurt

but I can't bring it up can I? She's not paid to like me, so what does it matter? Except it kind of does, to me.

Oct 09, 2013 at 07:10 AM

If you keep saying or asking if you are needy and demanding, you are indicating that you aren't really trusting her answer, so I suspect she's changing her approach to "since you seem not to trust my answer and apparently need more proof, we'll have to investigate your fear about this and see if you really are needy and demanding, and if you are right in your own assessment of yourself, we'll see what we can do to change that since you are not comfortable with being perceived that way". Continuing to ask the question means you aren't trusting/understanding/internalizing her response, so she has to change her approach rather than you just continuing, apparently stuck in that spot. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you; that means she is trying to help you find a way to move forward.

IndestructibleGirl · Oct 09, 2013 at 07:17 AM

Oh. Well admittedly I didn't think of it that way. Thanks for bringing up that possibility, Chris.

Therapy is driving me DEMENTED. I spend about half the week stressed and miserable about the process itself, let alone all the stuff that brought me there in the first place. Fed up.

Wren_ · Oct 09, 2013 at 07:24 AM

it matters because you've just said it matters to you

I hope you can let her know these things and raise the questions you asked here so that you can hear her answer about the change in what she is saying

Melody_Bells · Oct 09, 2013 at 07:29 AM

((((IG))))) Of course it hurts and of course it matters! I so understand about being stressed about the process itself on top of the stuff that brought you into therapy. You described it very well here and I completely understand what you're saying. Let's hope it was a miscommunication. How was her tone like the time she said "well we'll see if you're needy and demanding"? Let's hope it's just bad phrasing and she meant it as just "reality testing", a different approach to helping you? Was she trying to agree with what you said? No matter what, I can understand how it can feel hurtful when you already feel so bad about yourself and so sensitive. You just needed extra warmth and reassurance maybe? I'm not sure what's going on but hope you're able to bring it up.... As for the formal approach, can you ask your T about this, too? Mine is mostly warm but some days she is more cool and formal, I think that's when she has a lot going on in her life and is in a bad mood. ...?

(((IG)))))

IndestructibleGirl · Oct 09, 2013 at 07:32 AM

Thank you, Tigergirl. I really can't bring it up with her though. I can't bring myself to allow another person to detail why exactly I'm not good enough, not deserving enough, too rubbish for genuine help.

IndestructibleGirl · Oct 09, 2013 at 07:40 AM

Hi Melody Bells, thanks

No, it wasn't bad phrasing, it was a written response to a message I sent her after our session where I was feeling ashamed and bad for how much resentment I'd disclosed for a member of my family. I was all like "I'm weak and pathetic etc" and she said no I wasn't, and I said basically I had no idea when I crossed that line with my family person, and so had no idea when I'd become too much/too needy with the therapist. And then she said what she said. Whereas before, she seemed adamant that I wasn't at all needy...

Urgh I don't know. I really can't broach any of this with her. Especially not the lack of warmth - I cannot make myself say "but why don't you call me pet names anymore, or put x's on the end of your mails?" How neurotic does that look!

Perna · Oct 09, 2013 at 07:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Like she's seeing how awful I really am and doesn't feel I'm worth it. Other little things have changed too, like she's become more formal in her communication with me, less relaxed and warm and friendly.

It does hurt

but I can't bring it up can I? She's not paid to like me, so what does it matter? Except it kind of does, to me.

I would certainly discuss how you feel, but from your own feelings, not what you are imagining about your T's feelings.

It looks to me like you want reassurance you are not needy and that you view neediness as "awful". At the same time, you feel like you are needy and awful. How can your T help you with that, break into those loops? That is what I would discuss.

I think you would benefit by discussing exactly what you mean by needy and demanding and why you feel that is awful. Everyone needs other people, everyone needs "attention". If we do not know how to get our needs met, to get the attention we need, the help we need, to ask for it and negotiate that whole interaction, that's a problem (not that we need others and attention in the first place).

Melody_Bells · Oct 09, 2013 at 07:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Thank you, Tigergirl. I really can't bring it up with her though. I can't bring myself to allow another person to detail why exactly I'm not good enough, not deserving enough, too rubbish for genuine help.

Hi Indestructible Girl, I feel pain to read this from you! I feel like you're a really lovely and nice person here on the forum and I can't imagine how anyone would describe you as not good enough. If you do decide to bring it up, you can say exactly what you said here, that you cannot bear to hear her say why you're not good enough. Sorry I'm not really good with words, I just want to let you know I support you and hope you can be kinder to yourself eventually and see yourself as very wonderful, like the rest of us do...

Melody_Bells · 08:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Hi Melody Bells, thanks

No, it wasn't bad phrasing, it was a written response to a message I sent her after our session where I was feeling ashamed and bad for how much resentment I'd disclosed for a member of my family. I was all like "I'm weak and pathetic etc" and she said no I wasn't, and I said basically I had no idea when I crossed that line with my family person, and so had no idea when I'd become too much/too needy with the therapist. And then she said what she said. Whereas before, she seemed adamant that I wasn't at all needy...

Urgh I don't know. I really can't broach any of this with her. Especially not the lack of warmth - I cannot make myself say "but why don't you call me pet names anymore, or put x's on the end of your mails?" How neurotic does that look!

Thank you for explaining this situation. Since this was written there may be more chances for misunderstandings. I know it's hard to bring this up with her, though! It makes you feel more vulnerable!

If it helps, I did with my T when she did something similar.

I whined in a childish voice about "why don't you xxx anymore..." and rambled on about how confused and hurt I was. She listened to my feelings with empathy, explained some stuff, and we repaired the rupture.

Please keep us updated on what you decide to do and how you're feeling.

Oct 09, 2013 at 08:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Hi Melody Bells, thanks

No, it wasn't bad phrasing, it was a written response to a message I sent her after our session where I was feeling ashamed and bad for how much resentment I'd disclosed for a member of my family.

Written responses can have bad phrasing, just like oral responses. In fact, they are more prone to misinterpretation because of the inability to actually dialogue in real time.

Just tell her how you received what she said. It is good fodder for therapy discussion. It sounds like you have some fears/issues surrounding the idea of being perceived as needy that you need to work through in therapy, and this is a perfect opening to get into the subject.

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IndestructibleGirl Grand Poohbah Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 1,654 10 804 hugs given	Oct 09, 2013 at 07:17 AM #3 Oh. Well admittedly I didn't think of it that way. Thanks for bringing up that possibility, Chris. Therapy is driving me DEMENTED. I spend about half the week stressed and miserable about the process itself, let alone all the stuff that brought me there in the first place. Fed up.
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Wren_ Free to live Member Since Jul 2011 Location: In a sheltered place Posts: 27,669 (SuperPoster!) 12 5,051 hugs given	Oct 09, 2013 at 07:24 AM #4 it matters because you've just said it matters to you I hope you can let her know these things and raise the questions you asked here so that you can hear her answer about the change in what she is saying __________________
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IndestructibleGirl Grand Poohbah Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 1,654 10 804 hugs given	Oct 09, 2013 at 07:32 AM #6 Thank you, Tigergirl. I really can't bring it up with her though. I can't bring myself to allow another person to detail why exactly I'm not good enough, not deserving enough, too rubbish for genuine help.
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