[tinyrabbit]

Previously, I've found breaks from T extremely hard, have missed him constantly and have felt like I'm exploding with stuff I need to tell him.

My T has been off this week and I've reacted differently this time. I've hardly thought about him at all, I haven't wanted to email him and therapy seems like a distant memory. It's like I've withdrawn from the relationship and gone back into my shell.

I was very detached throughout my last session, but I got really upset right at the end. We went over by five minutes, but I felt cheated because I only got in touch with my emotions right before I had to go, and I felt kind of abandoned as a result. And now it's like I've dissociated from any feelings I have about him being away.

When I read the thread about Christmas cards, I imagined giving one to my T and I imagined him waiting until I had gone and then ripping it up. Normally during breaks, I think about all the helpful and comforting things he has said to me but now I'm just pushing away thoughts of him.

I think I'm also terrified of the idea of feeling more contained as that means putting more trust and faith in him. Letting myself feel more contained feels like taking off a suit of armour.

I just wondered if anyone else has experienced a change in how they react to T vacations? Also, sorry I haven't been replying to other people much lately. A knock-on effect of this is that I find myself not wanting to come on PC and talk about therapy.

I think it's necessary to feel the pain of their absence. If we only feel warm & fuzzy, we're missing bits if ourselves.
At first it is hard. But the ability to tolerate feeling cheated and abandoned lesson in a natural way, not in a split of way.

[Asiablue]

Cos my T is very new to me, this won't be the same situation but mine is away for 4 weeks, and i knew when i started with her that this break was coming and it filled me with dread, i didn't know how i was going to cope with that long away from therapy. But i'm nearly 3week into it and i'm feeling pretty good, coping surprisingly well. At first i was scared i was just numbing and didn't trust that i might actually just be doing well.

As the days go on, i do feel this tiny niggling bit of anger that she's away this long, maybe not anger but kind of irked and starting to feel a bit distanced from her but i'm trying to reason with my inner brat and not pay too much attention to it. But mostly i'm coping and i'm proud of myself.

I think you are doing really well, i think you should trust that you are both doing well and starting to struggle a bit and that's all ok!

[unaluna]

Don't worry about it. I was always doing a happy dance when my t announced an impending vacation. I think it was because I wasn't allowed to be sad to see my mother leave for work, or when my parents left for the evening. Other kids got upset, like my cousins, but not me. Wasn't allowed, or maybe I was relieved to have them gone? This is thru all my ts! They were all like, youre in denial. Finally, last year, I didn't blurt out "yay!" when t said he'd be gone.I was finaly attached? Maybe this is tied to betrayal. Anyway, it's been such a short time that you've been in t. These changes take a long time to form. They're not just thoughts, they're patterns of behavior. It's feeling safe.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks for your replies. I honestly can't tell if I'm numbing or feeling safe.

[tinyrabbit]

Thanks again for your replies everyone. I've come to the conclusion that it's a good thing - it's a feeling of containment. Because I believe my T is going to come back and be there for me next week.

It's just scary letting myself have that feeling. Like I already took off my armour and I didn't notice, and now I've realised I'm not wearing it.