[CrimsonBlues]

Hello everyone-

I am having a difficult time and I thought I would write about some of my struggles. A brief history-I struggle with PTSD which also includes depression and SI. I was abused throughout my childhood and raped at the age of 17.

I started therapy twelve years ago and was in therapy with a few different therapists for about ten years. With one therapist, I had been in therapy with him for a year when we began to discuss the feelings we had developed for each other. Many times he described his feelings of love and attraction for me and often described our relationship as profound and unique. He said he was in uncharted territory with me and said, if not for the therapy relationship we would be together as a couple. But then, in other sessions, he would become cold and distant and would treat me like a stranger. In these times he would suddenly forget important details of my past that we had discussed before. He would become confused and frustrated with me when I spoke about painful moments of my past. When I tried to explain how painful and confusing his change of manner was he would belittle me and would often tell me I wasn't responding to anything he was doing but rather I was responding because of the trauma of my past. He insisted I was imagining things that were not reality.

I never knew which personality I would find when I showed up for a session. When he was in his loving and caring place he admitted to me that he was acting differently at times because he was struggling with the challenge of not being in a physical relationship with me. He would then open up even more about his feelings for me and for the relationship. But before long he would return to the cold and distant stranger-who would also "forget" these admissions about his struggles. Both sides of what he presented were so convincing to me that I wouldn't know what was real. I have always struggled with self-blame and self-doubt so when he would insist that something was my imagination I started to question my sanity. He meant so much to me and I did not want to lose him but I couldn't take the pain anymore and I ended the therapy. He asked me several times to return but he refused to acknowledge any of the things he said to me about his feelings. He referred to everything that happened as if he had never spoken of his feelings for me.

There were other painful experiences, with other therapists, but I don't want to make this too long-and it's painful to write all of this-so I will just write a brief description of the last therapist I met with. I had done a great deal of research to find a therapist who specialized in PTSD and trauma when I found the last therapist. I realized the hard way that even though the therapists I worked with all said that they were qualified to help me with all of my symptoms, this was not a truthful statement. I got along very well with the new therapist. She came to know my history and the basics of what had happened in childhood as well as what had transpired with the therapists. She seemed to truly be an expert and when I became comfortable enough I began to give her more details of the past abuse. I know now that it was a red flag but she began to react to what I was telling her very emotionally and would start to sob, at times. The care-taker part of me was interested only in making things okay for her. At one point I expressed my concerns that she was getting so upset and I feared she would end the therapy. She insisted, promised, that she would never abandon me. A month later she told me, in a phone message, that she was ending the therapy. She said she didn't think she was a good enough therapist. Yes, it isn't great that a therapist who specializes in trauma and PTSD would become triggered by a client (what happened to me wasn't great but it was not the most horrific abuse either, in comparison to what others have been through) but it would have been less painful if she had just acknowledged her issues and left it at that. Instead, in a follow up letter she changed her story and said she was ending the therapy because I wasn't mentally stable enough to work through the past trauma.

It's been two years now since the end of that therapy and I have not been able to return to therapy at all. I fear that things will go wrong again and I fear I won't be able to take another loss, another damaging experience. I battle with the effects of PTSD from what happened in childhood, such as the flashbacks and the nightmares, but I also am haunted by what transpired in the ten years of therapy. Some painful moment from therapy will come to mind every day and it can easily crush me. I feel the same thing that I did at the time it originally happened. It feels similar to what I go through with the traumas from childhood.

[CrimsonBlues]

I realized that the last part of my post was cut off. I wondered if anyone has experienced this type of thing, feeling haunted by past therapy-and were you able to return to therapy? I struggle with such feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness-I fear this was all my fault. I would be grateful to hear if anyone can relate to this. I am trying to work through all of my issues and I'm doing it completely alone so I would appreciate hearing from anyone. Thank you for reading and I apologize for the length.

[sunrise]

When I first began therapy with my current therapist, I had some feelings surface from a time when I was much younger and had seen a therapist briefly while in college. Something had happened then that made me feel confused and betrayed in the therapy relationship. This came up in the present and we worked on it in therapy and processed it. That was very helpful.

If you can bring yourself to start therapy again, it sounds like processing the past therapy would be an item to work on, and could bring relief. Good luck. I hope you will start therapy again.

[learning1]

Sorry that you had such bad luck with therapists. I'm traumatized by a previous therapist too, though he was just mean, he wasn't sexually inappropriate like yours. I go to another therapist sporadically now but I don't have confidence in therapy's ability to make a difference for me anymore. The current therapist is very nice and passive. My issue is just depression.

[quietfeline]

I'm sorry you had these awful experiences in therapy. I hope you find someone who is worthy of your trust at some point. I am struggling with this too and I can relate to what you're saying.

I recently have been traumatized by the premature end of my therapy relationship with a really good therapist. He asked me to do something I couldn't do and he told me not to come back after we'd been together for so long and he had always been so kind and supportive.

Tomorrow I am going to see another therapist so we'll see how it goes.

[CrimsonBlues]

Hello sunrise-Thank you so much for your response. I am so sorry to hear that you were betrayed. I'm glad that you were able to work through it with another therapist. I do have so much to work on-events in and out of therapy-but it is so hard to build up the trust and courage to try yet again. I'm trying so hard to get to that place.

Hello learning1-I am so sorry that you were traumatized by a therapist. It breaks my heart. Being mean to a client is horrible-it does not have to include a sexual element for it to be traumatic. And, I am so sorry that you your current therapist isn't being helpful to you. Depression can be so debilitating and you deserve to have the right help. Thank you for responding to me.

Hello quietfeline-Thank you for your words of support and for your response. Working on finding the trust to work with a therapist again has been a huge stumbling block for me-it is a daily struggle. I am so sorry that you are dealing with the same thing. It is devastating to not only not receive the help that we pay dearly for, but to also be hurt by the person we are supposed to trust and be vulnerable with is agonizing. I wish you all the best.

Hello roseleigh7-Thank you so much for responding. It really makes my stomach turn to hear that you were abandoned. I am so sorry. I can understand the hurt and pain and confusion that comes from such a hurtful situation. I truly admire you for trying again and I hope that you find someone who is worth your time and trust. I hope that you will return and let us know how things went.

I thank you all for responding to me-I can't tell you how much it means to me. I appreciate that you all took the time to write about your experiences. If anyone needs to talk you can always message me. I wish you all the best.