[Abby]

I thought I would write to reach out for some support. I have reached a crisis point yet again where I say 'enough, I can't and won't cope anymore'. This is a really positive point to get to if I can reach out for help and not let it take me down a suicidal path. It never has as I've always reached out to family and we've gone back to the doctors. Often I find no help from this although my doctor is lovely. I want to go on medication because I'm starting to think after years of believing drugs won't work for me as it is my emotions that are the problem and years of therapy focusing on that, that actually I think my brain is oversensitive. I don't know enough about the brain to understand how or why I may have a over-reactive part but I have been dedicated to therapy and I still can't help overreacting it seems.

I'm really attached to my therapist but I'm having to look at alternatives. Even she is thinking I need to learn skills to deescalate stuff. That is hard, knowing that isn't what she can offer and that I may have to leave the one place and person I feel greatly attached to and who has massively helped me over the years. I'm not sure though what will happen as I can't afford the other type of therapy but then I'm not sure where that will leave me. Perhaps the medication will be enough, if I'm offered any!

I have been here before and I hope this time I can find some help. I'm terrified to be in a position where I ask for help and get none as that has happened many times before. I'm told 'go to therapy' but I'm doing weekly therapy for 5 years and yes it's helped but I'm still really struggling. Even my therapist who is very dedicated, I think wonders about it all, at least she suggests alternatives every time I've talked about needing help outside in my real life as that's 'not the therapy she does'.

It's been a real struggle for a long time for me and my family. I understand there isn't an overnight fix but I really hope I find something or someone that can help me manage this. I'm struggling with knowing I may have to leave my therapist, it makes me want her more but I'm already quite overwhelming and I know therapy has limits. It sounds quite extreme (but I know many here will understand), part of me feels there is nothing and no one but her and if she doesn't offer me exactly what I want then I rubbish everything else and everyone else because I'm angry. I'm always so angry! It isn't rational and I hope I stop these feelings from preventing myself from rubbishing alternatives. I hope recognising and naming it helps.

I'm lost, trying to negotiate lots of stuff, not least my self-defeating thoughts and behaviour so I get a different outcome to all the other times I've gotten to this point only to slip back into old patterns. I'm concerned I have pushed my therapist to feel overwhelmed again. She never says but sometimes I feel caught having to push to get anything from her. Or, alternatively, I get lots but I don't let it in.

I'd really appreciate any support or advice from people in a similar position. I'm sorry for the length, it's off-putting to have to read such a lot. There is a lot in my head and heart.

[pbutton]

I am sorry to hear you're struggling. I think meds can be very helpful & are certainly worth a try.

[SallyBrown]

I used to feel the same way you did about drugs (not for OTHER people, of course, just for me). Like this was all something I could fix on my own -- the implication for me being, it's my fault. I'm just not trying hard enough. I'm just not working hard enough. I'm just not good enough.

I did hit a point where therapy was not enough. It helped, but it wasn't enough. So finally, I gave in and decided to try medication.

Is there any reason, by the way, you can't do therapy AND meds? I'm sorry if I misunderstood, but it seemed to me like you felt you needed to choose between the two.

In any case, medication has helped me immensely. I still have to work at plenty of things, like not listening to the irrational part of my brain that thinks I do everything wrong. It's hard to explain how it has helped, but basically, when my meds are working well, I'm generally ok. Like, every day is an ok day mood-wise. I still get upset, I still have my hot-button issues, and so on, and I still see my therapist. But my ability to pull myself out instead of getting mired in is greatly improved. It's not fun to deal with side effects or adjusting the meds, but they CAN help. For some people, they don't help, but it is worth seeing if they can help you. It has really helped me to be able to think a little more clearly without the fog and the weight of depression bearing down on me -- I better absorb the lessons of therapy and of life.

It's easy to think that emotions are somehow different from other physiological processes, and we're conditioned to think that way... that these are things that can be controlled. And for a lot of people, they can be to a certain extent, but for some people, they can't. It's like blood sugar, or certain muscle movements, or whatever... many healthy people don't have a problem, but a subset of people do. Just "trying harder" at it may or may not actually work... you might as well tell someone with a broken ankle that they can't walk because they're not trying hard enough. Fact is there may be lifestyle changes AND medical changes that could help.

Meds may or may not be the answer for you, but I'd encourage you to try. I'm sorry you find yourself feeling so desperate, but there is hope!

ETA: As a scientist working in the field of therapeutics discovery, I can tell you that there is no strong understanding, period, of how and why most psychiatric medications work. Or most psychiatric illnesses. We'll get there someday, but for now, all we know is that there is something that is being compensated for by the action of the medication that alleviates certain symptoms.

[Abby]

I have been on three different types of antidepressants before but none were very helpful. My GP simply said that if they're not helping but also not doing any harm then to stay on them. And I did for nearly 2 years till I thought that I don't know what the long term effects of being on medication that is not helping me are. What is the point of taking medication that does nothing, just because I don't seem to being harmed by it?!

It was the same again today and I am so demoralised. I took a family member with me and even he said he felt about to cry as nothing was offered, no clear path. The GP said I could go on an antidepressant again (same one as last time) but said it probably wouldn't help me. She said that as she was printing out the prescription. That was really overwhelmingly painful to be given something she knows won't help because she doesn't know what else to do.

She has referred me everywhere there is and I'm always too functional for any help and discharged with 'go to therapy'. That I pay for outright. I'm too well for another type of therapy that would be funded and I can't afford it out of pocket, that's if they'd accept me on anyway. There is only one group in my area, and I think it is fed into by lots of people around the area so places are limited.

She said she could refer me for low level counselling at the GPs but I'm already doing therapy. There is no point doing something worse than what I'm doing and taking medication I already know isnt helpful.

I might try to find my own set of OTC medication to self medicate my emotions with so I'm more able to do the therapy I'm in. I'm not sure I have any other options, and I guess I know myself best. I'm feeling pretty low; I needed expert advise on my mental health and got nothing...again.

[SallyBrown]

Originally Posted by Abby

I have been on three different types of antidepressants before but none were very helpful. My GP simply said that if they're not helping but also not doing any harm then to stay on them. And I did for nearly 2 years till I thought that I don't know what the long term effects of being on medication that is not helping me are. What is the point of taking medication that does nothing, just because I don't seem to being harmed by it?!

It was the same again today and I am so demoralised. I took a family member with me and even he said he felt about to cry as nothing was offered, no clear path. The GP said I could go on an antidepressant again (same one as last time) but said it probably wouldn't help me. She said that as she was printing out the prescription. That was really overwhelmingly painful to be given something she knows won't help because she doesn't know what else to do.

She has referred me everywhere there is and I'm always too functional for any help and discharged with 'go to therapy'. That I pay for outright. I'm too well for another type of therapy that would be funded and I can't afford it out of pocket, that's if they'd accept me on anyway. There is only one group in my area, and I think it is fed into by lots of people around the area so places are limited.

She said she could refer me for low level counselling at the GPs but I'm already doing therapy. There is no point doing something worse than what I'm doing and taking medication I already know isnt helpful.

I might try to find my own set of OTC medication to self medicate my emotions with so I'm more able to do the therapy I'm in. I'm not sure I have any other options, and I guess I know myself best. I'm feeling pretty low; I needed expert advise on my mental health and got nothing...again.

I have a feeling that part of what is making this so hard is the health care system you're working in. I have great insurance that allows me to see anyone I feel like seeing as long as they're in the network, and that really helps a lot. I assume you've seen a psychiatrist? I'm very surprised they were reluctant to help, since at least in the US, medication management is pretty much their bread and butter.

That really, really sucks that you're "too functional" for certain types of therapy. I'm so sorry about that. I think that was what I always feared hearing early on in therapy, that I wasn't really sick enough to get help.

Any way you can switch GPs? This person sounds really ineffective, and not very familiar with pysch medication. Have you tried three *types* of antidepressants, or three antidepressants? Three antidepressants isn't actually a lot. And sometimes it helps to mix and match -- for a while my magic combo was Wellbutrin plus an SSRI. Lately I've been managing on just an SSRI (Prozac), and when I first started Wellbutrin was just fine by itself. They have all sorts of stuff now meant to be taken in combination... there are so many options, it sounds like your GP is just really defeatist about it.

Be careful with the OTC stuff -- St. John's Wort especially can interfere with a lot of other medications. Just always do your research.

You can also try fish oil. That was something a former pdoc had me try -- it helped a little, but it was hard for me to take as much as I needed to each day, I kept forgetting! But if regular antidepressants don't help, there's been some fairly compelling stuff about omega-3's and fish consumption.

I'm sorry you're not getting the help you need. Do you think a new GP -- one more willing to really exhaust all the options -- could help?

[Abby]

I've seen a few psychiatrists but only a maximum of twice with the same one and generally only for an assessment. Some suggested ADs but I never got a follow up to see if it worked....at one point I was on a high dose medication with no one routinely reviewing me so I came off it on my own. Another pdr said I could take medication if I wanted but it was my choice, I didn't really feel he had much faith in it. A lot of Drs seem fine to give out medication whether it works or not! I guess I'm not really someone that they need to spend a lot of time with trying to find the right combination.

But I always read about people working to find the right combination of medication and think how much I'd love that support. I'm so willing to try if I was given the opportunity and advice. Perhaps there isn't anything though like me GP said if my issues are emotional not mental. It's just so hard because it really does effect my day to day life. It is hard to manage, it is exhausting.

I did say to my GP that hearing I'm too functional for help really makes the self destructive part a lot louder, but there wasn't much she could say to that but that she understands.

I'm not sure any GP would be much better, but I may perhaps think about finding another one. I'm open to any ideas. The one I have now has been really supportive in the past and happily referred me on to psychiatrists but I think she figures my issues aren't something that can be fixed with medication and if she's already referred me on to all that there is then what else can she do?

I'm thinking homeopathy or perhaps other OTC meds in moderation. I've found when I'm very anxious drinking caffeine overloads my system to the point I get spacey which is helpful. Ultimately I'd like to find something that I can take that brings down my extremes after therapy because I've said so many times to my therapist I find that very hard but she doesn't offer skills for that, and so I'm a bit lost with it all. She thinks I need to learn skills to deal with the extremes but there isn't any other therapy options available that offer that.

I really appreciate your replies, it helps to have somewhere to discuss ideas and get advice. Sometimes the more I go to drs the more it reinforces the belief that I don't matter. If I'm in pain, who cares? As long as I'm not causing any fuss.... It hurts.

[Abby]

I apologise for updating this thread but I need somewhere to write and get this out of me.

I'm really struggling. I don't know what it is. I don't know if I have such unimaginable self-hatred that I can't stand to be at work, at home, at studies, with friends, just life generally....or if it's brain chemistry.

This is going to be self-pity......it isn't that I don't try yet I keep coming back to this pain time and time again. I don't want to hate myself or feel worthless around people and I don't want to feel disgust at other people's imperfections and humanness. I don't know why I continually do this to myself; I want to make friends and have relationships but the minute I try and put myself out there to be friends, I either think I'm disgusting or think the other person is. Isn't that horrible - to think another perfectly worthwhile, respectable, valuable human being is tainted and disgusting?! I try and press on through it but it is over-whelming, and I often come away with intrusive thoughts that say "I want to die", "I want to kill myself" "I want to hurt myself"....but I don't really! Why do I have these thoughts?!

It isn't even a conscious process although I try my best to be aware of it and not to play into it. My brain logically tells me there is nothing wrong with the person; that even if I may not understand them, 'click' with them etc., that doesn't mean I can't gain something of value from any type of relationship, even just an acquaintance! But the 'thoughts' in my feelings scream "yuck, don't go near them or you'll become just like them"....but that's exactly what I want - to be accepted, normal, average! I had a whole day today where I planned to meet some new people who would have common interests to me and I thought to myself that it would be a good opportunity to push myself and make friends (which I so desperately need), yet I fell into a pit of depression and cried on and off all day. I still went and did the activities (because I didn't want to give into myself) but I could barely speak because my brain froze. I can see people being pleasant and trying to connect with me but I literally couldn't reach back - I probably seemed really rude!

I'm not sure what to do. I guess I should continue with therapy since there are not many other options. My therapist might have found one possible alternative therapy for me to try, which is a blessing. I feel I'm having a war in my head and body, I barely know who I am. Physically I've been having bad headaches too, I just have so much stuff in me and I need it out but don't know how.

I'm complaining yet again. I've been here so many times before that I'm sick of myself...yet I'm not changing but just creating more and more time spent in pain. Why? Why am I doing this to myself? Sorry, I just need to get this out of me tonight.

[SallyBrown]

How much do you feel your therapist is helping you, Abby? Does she know about your intrusive thoughts, and how little control you feel you have over them? Are you very attached to her -- would you consider seeing someone who took a different approach?

I'm so sorry you're suffering. Also, stop apologizing for posting! It's what this forum is here for.

Have you ever tried antipsychotic medications? I ask because it seems like it's not just your feelings that are working against you, but your thoughts. They're no small deal, but they might help if your GP (or pdoc, if you can find a helpful one) is willing to help you through it.

I also struggle with intrusive thoughts, although mine only seem to surface when I am under immense emotional strain nowadays -- when I really had little control over my depression, they were there almost all the time. It was horrible and scary, and made it so hard to connect with other people.

Anyway, all questions and suggestions aside, I'm sorry you feel so much at your wit's end. From my perspective, although it feels hopeless now, I think you haven't come anywhere near running out of options yet. Keep trying, keep hanging on.

[ultramar]

I don't know if you've tried this before, but could you get into a DBT group, or something similar? Maybe this way you could continue seeing your therapist while getting additional help with what you're struggling with at the same time?

I'm sorry you're in such pain. You've clearly worked very hard and yet there are still issues that don't seem to want to go away.

I'm usually not one to suggest meds, but maybe you could look into the possibility of Lamictal. It's officially a mood stabilizer, but is also prescribed for and my understanding can be quite effective for depression. A lot of people on the bipolar forum take it, including myself, and you seldom hear of side effects. Something to consider anyway, since antidepressants haven't helped you so far.

I hope you're able to find some extra help (whatever form(s) this may take) and still be able to stay with your therapist. There's also the possibility, I guess, of seeing another therapist more trained in your areas of concern for a while and then go back to the current one later on. I think if you do decide to leave, keeping the real possibility of going back might be helpful. Hugs to you.

Abby, I tried huge numbers of medications and combinations of medication. The only thing that really helped me long term has been CBT therapy to help me deal with the intrusive, self destructive thoughts. In the short term, I found acupuncture really helpful. I went to a "real" acupuncturist (who was from China and came highly recommended by Chinese friends of mine). The relief I received was almost immediate and was amazing. He also gave me some Chinese herbs that were really helpful. However, for ME, it was not a long term fix because it was the way I think that causes me so much pain.

I hope you can find a therapist who can really assist you. In the meantime, you might want to look into finding a good acupuncturist who also has a good working knowledge of herbs.

[Abby]

Thank you all for replying. It means a lot to me to have somewhere I can talk and, even more, that people will listen and offer help. Sometimes I get so low I just need a bit of support.

Thank you SallyBrown (once again!!). I'm not sure how much my therapist is helping me - how can I evaluate this? She makes me feel less alone and I'm strongly attached to her and she's kind and calm, which I really need in someone...but in respect to helping me actually deal with day to day things - probably not so much. I'm very willing to try another type of therapy even if it will be painful to lose her. I'll try anything if it'll help! My fear is losing her and not having any other help...she may not be perfect but she's more than I've ever had.

Honestly I'm not entirely sure if she knows about my intrusive thoughts because I tend to try and see them as a bad habit and try to ignore them. She knows how extreme my moods are and that I can be suicidal at times, but I don't think she's fully aware of the drone of intrusive thoughts daily. I've never thought to tell her to be honest! I really appreciate your understanding of how overwhelming these thoughts can be, I try very hard to see them simply as thoughts, nothing more, but they're exhausting.

It was suggested previously that I try an anti-psychotic but I simply didn't have the support I felt I would need to try it at the time. I asked about what my expectations should be about it, how I'd notice effects, how long before I could evaluate progress, how long I'd need to be on it for...and got no answers. It felt like another med shoved at me with no real thought yet it is a lot stronger than an AD (I think!). I don't think my GP would be interested in trying me on it now...do I even have the right to suggest it?!

I really, really appreciate you telling me that from where you stand you see me with lots of other options. I really need some hope. I'm going to keep trying for as long as I can.

Thank you Ultramar. I'm going to try and see if I can do part of a DBT therapy course. The full course isn't feasible with availability and funding issues. I've tried reading some of the stuff online about it but it's very hard to apply on my own (is that an excuse?!). Currently I am thinking along the lines of getting some extra support to supplement my therapy because I think I need something more. I often wonder how other people on here cope with their emotional difficulties and maintaining a professional job because I find it a real struggle. I know I could accomplish a lot more if I wasn't stuck in this.

I've not really heard of Lactimal although I've read about mood stabilisers. I'm not sure of the difference between these and anti-psychotics because I got the impression the anti-psychotic would have been prescribed for my extreme moods. No one has suggested a mood stabiliser for me and I'm not sure whether I should (or could) suggest it or not? I don't want to be stereotypical 'doctor patient', surely they'd have tried it if they thought it would help? Or maybe I'm having too much faith in my GP! It's hard not having the medical/biochemistry knowledge to make informed decisions!

I think keeping the option of going back to my therapist open is extremely important for me. I'm worried if I lose her, I'd lose everything. But I have to admit I need more help. I can't be a hopeless case so I often worry I'm a self-perpetuating drama queen. How long do I stay in therapy before I admit defeat?

Thank you MyKidsareCool. This thread has made me realise that perhaps I should take my intrusive, self-destructive thoughts more seriously. I've talked to my therapist about the horrid voice in my head but most of the time I try to tell myself "don't focus on it, they're just thoughts, they're meaningless"...but they're constant and exhausting and they do hurt me. Perhaps telling myself to deal with it' isn't helpful or realistic...I often wonder how others think since this way is so 'normal' for me. I'm trying to find a CBT/DBT therapist to help me but this is surprisingly difficult. I have some energy to chase lines of enquiry but not a lot.

I shall definitely try and find an acupuncturist because I'm open to any ideas that may help. I'm quite clueless about how these techniques work so will look into it. I'm trying homeopathy atm but not being very strict about it so I shall look into finding someone who has skills in this area. Any relief, however temporary, would be something I'd really value!

I just want to say thanks again for all the hugs and advice. It means a lot to me.

[Abby]

I'm having one of those days, again. Just seems never ending at the moment. I understand that no one can help me and that I need to look after myself, and I try, but it's just awful this life. I told everyone that I won't continue and need help, and they did and are trying to help but I still feel expected to continue. It isn't that I want to stop work or studying or the activities I've found to do, but I want to enjoy them and to feel less alone. It's so painful going through the motions.

I have to wait week after week for therapy. Every time she says "we'lll talk more next week" I want to scream. But what can she do? I'm not patient enough at the moment, it's not worth being patient. We're trying to find alternatives but obviously life is busy for everyone, help isn't imminent and I have to wait to find out if something might be a possible path to try.

I've already emailed my therapist once this week, and it was long (as you'll recognise from here!) and she was kind enough to reply, but it just doesn't satisfy me right now hearing "we can talk about this at your next session" . I know that's just me all over atm so what's the use in emailing her again?! I hate waiting when it is so awful. I can't even smile and chat easily anymore, my brain just wants to yell at everyone "why are we here? This is awful! Why are we all pretending!?!". I hate hearing other people's struggle too because I want to tell them to give up, it's not worth it etc.

I'm in a massive self pity woe be me phase. Recognise it, aware of it, can't move out of it!!

Can you get another appointment this week? Or earlier next week? Telephone consult?

[Abby]

I go early next week anyway, it's the weekend pretty much so not much that can be offered in the interim. Just so fed up of feeling this way but what can be done except for me to keep putting one foot in front of the other? It's not even as though I don't have 'fun' things lined up, I do, as I'm trying to be as proactive as possible with activities and meeting people and hopefully making friends...but I just don't care about any of it. I'd say "what's the point?" but of course, rationally I know the point, but feeling wise there is none to any of this. I'm feeling a mixture of sadness and anger which is a difficult combination to deal with. Thanks

[SallyBrown]

Hi Abby,

Sorry to hear things are still hard. Your struggles resonate with me; that's why I keep replying to you .

A week is a long time to sit with stuff, especially when you're feeling like you're at the end of your rope. It's hard to engage with the world when it feels like your own world is a hopeless mess.

Any luck on bringing up your intrusive thoughts? It's true that they are "just" thoughts, in that they are not reality... but I mean, they're your THOUGHTS. Our thoughts are a huge component of who we are, and how we relate to the world. They make up so much of your private self. If those are acting up, that is a really big deal! It's like a diabetic saying, "It's just sugar." Sure, for healthy people it's just sugar and if you are good about keeping the right portions you're fine, but for someone with diabetes, they have very little control over their blood sugar, and it's a big deal! It doesn't matter whether they were born with diabetes, or developed it due to genetics, or developed it due to weight issues -- those things play a role in how they might go about getting better, but ultimately, when it comes to self-care, they have to accept that simply watching what they eat isn't enough.

You may or may not find a medication that helps you with this, but truly, you are not somehow weak for being so subject to difficult thoughts, and there may be something better out there to help you deal with them.

It reminds me, too, of when I first started Wellbutrin. I don't know if it was my eyes being dilated, or if it was some hallucinating component of my side effects, but I started seeing moving objects in the dark when I was in bed, but they weren't really moving. They'd be in my peripheral vision, and I'd stare straight at them and they'd stop moving. Now, I *know* there was nothing moving. I could confirm that just by looking straight at them. But it still freaked the heck out of me. Because my brain had two separate inputs: "Look, there's something there!" and "OK, I know there isn't". Sometimes just knowing isn't enough to override other things your brain is telling you.

Is it possible to get twice weekly appointments? I know that you'd probably still feel lost even in the shorter breaks in between, but sometimes in times of intense need it can still be helpful.

I know what you mean about going through the motions. It's not that you hate life, it's that you hate not-loving life (or, at least that's often it for me). I'm sorry it all feels pointless. Was there ever a time that it didn't? What was different then from now?

[Abby]

Thank you for replying. It really does mean a lot to me because I don't have many people to talk to properly...even my own family at the moment, it just feels like they've forgotten and I'm not brave enough to keep telling them. In a strange, horrid way I'm glad what I'm saying resonates with you because sometimes I feel so lost because it has been such a long time I've struggled for. But saying that, I'm sorry you understand this pain

I haven't brought up the intrusive thoughts yet as I had to focus on two other issues that happened this week. You have no idea how much your analogy has helped me though because I'm constantly telling myself to shut up or "no, you don't think that" or "why are you saying that?" and I can't understand why they keep popping up constantly. It is the same with anxiety, I'm so scared to go into a shop sometimes if it is small and I may have to talk to someone. I recognise it, try and see the logical explanation, and do it anyway but this is exhausting and doesn't reduce the anxiety the next time around. I often wonder if I'm doing something wrong because I read accepting thoughts and feelings as simply that should reduce their hold on me - but it doesn't. Sometimes I'll end up not eating simply because I don't have the energy to interact and buy food....and I need that energy for other things I have to do, like work.

I did have twice weekly appointment in the past but then I got really overwhelmed with it so somehow it got adjusted to weekly. We never really talked about this, I didn't ask for it, she suggested we go slowly but then that was it, no more discussion. I feel a lot about this topic because of the way it felt done to me rather than with me...but I guess she was right about needing to take it slower at that point. I'd have to agree with her that was wise. But now, I'm too scared to ask her for it back, even if only for the short-term, because I don't want her to say no and because I want to move forward and do less therapy not more

You're right; I hate not enjoying life, however temporary that feeling comes and goes. I can recognise times when I could enjoy stuff more, there is a difference in quality to life as though the sun shines brighter - even if it's raining outside! I'm finding it hard to think of a specific time, but I know it is there because otherwise I wouldn't want it back so much.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Hi Abby,

I hope you're doing okay today. I just wanted to respond to say that I can relate to how you're feeling and how you've been treated. I too have been told my case "isn't serious enough" to warrant extra help or contact with a care coordinator or something similar and it drives me crazy to hear that. It is so belittling and trivializing of what you're going through. I am seen to be too high functioning. I have also felt crushed when I have asked for help and then not received it.

The only thing I can say is that taking an anti-psychotic as someone else suggested might be worth a try? Once I started taking this kind of drug, it made things a whole lot better litterally overnight, whereas numerous SSRI's had not made a difference. I think you have every right to ask for what you think might help you. Do your research on these drugs and then put it to your GP. I have found them to be quite open to my suggestions once they realise I have some idea what I am talking about.

Hang in there. Things will get better. And keep posting here if it helps

[Abby]

I'm really sorry that you are going through many of the same frustrations as I am. I really don't mind that care is prioritised to those more in need than me. I believe I'm really fortunate to receive the care that I do, and that I have the ability to pay for my current therapy (I'm very aware of how many can't do this). The difficulty I have are with these terms of functioning vs. quality of life. I understand the vital importance of giving the upmost support to those who are finding it hard to function and to undertake their basic needs on a daily basis, or are actively suicidal etc., but it upsets me that, because I'm able to do this seemingly well (and am not overtly suicidal), despite how exhausted it makes me daily, I don't get any real support. It doesn't seem to matter that I was unable to continue full time work because that was the only way I could reduce some of my self harm, anxiety and general exhaustion. And that this has resulted in reduced finances, and general restrictions all round at a time in my life when I really should be doing more. I want relationships/friendships and I understand these are partly due to my issues that I need to figure out in therapy, but I also believe that if I wasn't so exhausted getting through work/normal daily interactions, I'd have more energy for them. I really don't want to take support from those that need it the most, but would appreciate someone other than my therapist (e.g. GP etc.) sitting down and appreciating fully how my quality of life is diminished. Does this sound narcissistic? I am grateful for all I have been given and do have...just been going on for a long time now.

With the anti-psychotics - how did you research the info? With basic google searches it is difficult to gain a full understanding of these drugs but with a more extensive literature search I get confused by the medical language. How did you figure out the correct drug, dose, length of prescription, defined outcomes to know it is being beneficial?

I have therapy early next week. I want to go because we have a lot to discuss and figure out but I also don't want to because the end of the session will start another count down till the next time.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Abby

I'm concerned I have pushed my therapist to feel overwhelmed again.

I do not know if it will help or comfort you but often our therapists reflect what they are getting from us; you feel overwhelmed so. . . Unlike us though, our therapists are often better able to deal with their feelings and use them to help better understand themselves and others (like us :-)

It sounded to me like you are taking too much responsibility on for the rest of the world and how it thinks and feels. Your T giving you ideas and suggestions of things you can do when you are not in T, that is what you appear to be asking for but is not wholly about you asking for it; you are not pushing your therapist, your therapist is responding on her own.

Because you do not feel in control of yourself, does not mean the world is out of control. I had a similar problem when I thought the sky was falling because I was so anxious all the time. I finally noticed that my T was usually calm and quiet and, if the sky were falling like I felt it to be, then my T had to be crazy not to be running around like a chicken with her head cut off? I decided that how I felt may not be all there was to reality and was then better able to discount my extreme feelings, keep moving forward despite them, use my good head to help me too/better. Eventually I had more "successes" with things going well despite my feeling anxious so I gained more confidence and became less anxious.

[Favorite Jeans]

Abby, I'm so sorry that you have had such difficult experiences with medications and prescribers! I can't believe your GP just prescribed something that didn't work last time telling you it probably wouldn't work this time either! That's terrible.

A couple of years ago there was a pretty cool trial called STAR-D in which they took a group of depressed people and offered everyone a first line antidepressant, then they offered second line options to the people who weren't helped by the initial choice, third line options to those who remained depressed despite the second line treatment etc. Eventually, all buts very small minority experienced either total remission or significant improvement. The take home message is that many people can be helped by meds but that sometimes it takes many tries before you hit the right drug or combination of drugs.

See if you can find a physician who is knowledgeable and willing to stay the course with you until you feel better. It's hard to advocate for yourself when you're depressed, maybe someone close to you can help you navigate the system. In the meantime, I have found omega 3s to be very helpful (minimal side effects, none dangerous) while every other OTC or "natural" product I've tried has been useless. Also 30-60 minutes of sweaty exercise every single day really helps. A brisk walk is good but something that gets your heart pounding is ideal. Good luck!

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Perna

I decided that how I felt may not be all there was to reality and was then better able to discount my extreme feelings, keep moving forward despite them, use my good head to help me too/better. Eventually I had more "successes" with things going well despite my feeling anxious so I gained more confidence and became less anxious.

I'm not sure I understand what you are saying Perna. I know how I feel isn't reality for anyone else but me. I constantly try and discount my extreme feelings, see them for what they are and move past them. Some days I want to scream but I don't.

Thanks Favourite Jeans for understanding. I don't have the energy to go back to my GP or transfer my care to another doctor at the moment. I'm not an expert so perhaps she's right that no meds will help me because my issues are emotional ones not mental health. I'm getting to the point where I wonder if this isn't just how I'm supposed to feel. I do find exercise really helpful though and try to keep a routine with it. It is probably one of the only things I've found that makes an immediate difference. I'll try Omega 3's because that is easy to obtain without too much energy. I'm going to try acupuncture too when I get the chance.

I have no one to talk to this week. I could email my therapist but what is the point, there is nothing she can do or say to help. Stupid sporadic crying, so difficult to focus on anything. In some ways I feel I need a period of pure self-destruction to lift some of these feelings; phoenix out of the ashes style. But I'm trying to change my behaviour and not do that...seems to me that all it means is that I become silent again. May be that is the point, I expect too much from others and need to carry my own burden. Who knows.

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Abby

I thought I would write to reach out for some support. I have reached a crisis point yet again where I say 'enough, I can't and won't cope anymore'. This is a really positive point to get to if I can reach out for help and not let it take me down a suicidal path.

I'm tired. Will this ever end?

I can't tell if this pain is part of the process of healing or a continuation of the past.

I reached out to people, they responded. I'm still really struggling and nothing has changed since a month ago. Except my therapist, most have forgotten it all. I must seem fine to them.

My therapist can only do so much. I feel as though I'm a burden to her because I am constantly crying in some form or another.

Obviously suicide isn't the answer......I just don't know what is.

...........And I haven't tried any suggestions yet I received on here because I've been so tired just trying to keep going with what I have to do. I'm probably bring this on myself; I hate complaining when I've done nothing to help myself.