[skysblue]

It was 2 1/2 years before I learned my T's marital status and if she had any children. So, it's not an exaggeration to say that she keeps firm boundaries and is not prone to self-disclosure.

I've been curious about a few things but I also felt it was not that important for me to know the details of her personal life. She is my therapist and I need her to be my therapist, and therapist only, during my time in session.

In August, when I thought I'd be terminating because of moving out of the area, I asked my T a few personal questions. She laughed and said that she would have to ask me the typical therapist's question, "Why would you like to know?"

And I told her so that I could more round her out as a 'real' person if I knew a few more things about her. And so, she DID tell me her marital status and whether she had children.

It made me happy that I knew a bit more about her and that disclosure has not been a problem at all. During the same session it became clear how much she was fond of me and that made me feel very close to her.

Then, it turned out that I would not have to terminate and she then asked how that self-disclosure would affect hers and my relationship. I assured her that it would not change anything and because I worried she thought I might push against any boundaries I also assured her I would not do that.

Last month there was a hint of some big personal challenge my T is going through because of her need to cancel session and last week it was confirmed.

She had decided to self-disclose to all of her clients so that they could understand her need to cancel sessions often. It felt good that she trusted us enough to tell the truth of what she's going through.

I decided that I would honor good therapist/client relationship and not ask for updates on her issue nor allow her issue to impact my own therapy. I know she would feel terrible if her choice to self-disclose would lessen her ability to do her work.

But, now, I'm concerned about how well I can do therapy with her when I know she's facing something really big. My issues seem so unimportant compared to what she's going through.

I imagine myself holding back now. I imagine what she might be thinking if I do continue to be open, "Oh Skysblue, I wish I had your problem instead of my own. You're so lucky you're not facing the big stuff that I am. I don't know how much longer I can listen to this petty emotional worries when you have no idea how much worse it could be."

I know my T would feel horrible if she believed I had these thoughts. Ironic, because after her self-disclosure I offered up scenarios in which clients might have difficulty and this was one of them. I just hadn't believed it would be MY concern also - at that time.

I don't want her to think she's made a mistake by self-disclosing because, to be honest, I love that she did and I feel honored to know that extra bit about her. I know she won't say much more about it and I vow to not pester her with questions as time goes on - but, of course, I WILL be worrying a bit about her.

I'm wondering if anyone else has faced this situation and how did you handle it? I suppose I might be able to forget about her and her situation if I try very hard to do so while in session. Maybe. idk

[Asiablue]

I don't think therapists think like that. I honestly think most of them are able to compartmentalise areas of their life and work, work takes their mind off their own stuff. When they are working they can't allow their mind to wander, they are so busy actively listening, engaging with the client, being careful of what they say and how they say it and taking in all the minute details of each session that there isn't much room to ruminate on their own problems. If she's a good T she will look after herself and get her own therapy if she needs it during this hard time.

[skysblue]

I think I've just realized I have to discuss my feelings with her. I don't want to have the conversation for 2 reasons - I don't want her to think she's made a mistake and more importantly, I fear this will bring to a halt any more self-disclosure on her part. I DO love learning more about her but if I tell her how her disclosure is impacting me now, I believe she will then cut me off with sharing any more about her life.

AND, I guess there's a 3rd reason - I believe that if I tell her that, I am admitting that I'm not a big girl who can handle a simple disclosure by T.

[Asiablue]

you could put it in such a way that it's not the information that bothers you but you need to know that she can look after herself while she goes thru this rocky period in her life, that she has support and that she is willing to get extra support if needed. Cos that is really what you're asking isn't it? That her stuff doesn't come into the therapy room?

[unaluna]

Yes - but you're comparing apples and oranges. Both are fruits/problems, but one (your problem) is her job, and the other is her issue. Your problem/her job helps her feel competent. So does dealing with her issue. It's the difference between being a victim or a survivor. I think this is more about feeling like a burden to your parents - some old feelings coming up?

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I don't think therapists think like that. I honestly think most of them are able to compartmentalise areas of their life and work, work takes their mind off their own stuff. When they are working they can't allow their mind to wander, they are so busy actively listening, engaging with the client, being careful of what they say and how they say it and taking in all the minute details of each session that there isn't much room to ruminate on their own problems. If she's a good T she will look after herself and get her own therapy if she needs it during this hard time.

I agree with you. My T is very professional and she did state that coming back to work was helpful for her.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

you could put it in such a way that it's not the information that bothers you but you need to know that she can look after herself while she goes thru this rocky period in her life, that she has support and that she is willing to get extra support if needed. Cos that is really what you're asking isn't it? That her stuff doesn't come into the therapy room?

Hmmmm, I'm pretty sure she can take care of herself. She absolutely does not need my assistance to go through this challenge.

Originally Posted by hankster

Yes - but you're comparing apples and oranges. Both are fruits/problems, but one (your problem) is her job, and the other is her issue. Your problem/her job helps her feel competent. So does dealing with her issue. It's the difference between being a victim or a survivor. I think this is more about feeling like a burden to your parents - some old feelings coming up?

You may have a point. She's good at her job and I know her clients are important to her. And that's the reason why I want to be a 'good' client and allow her to continue to do her job.

Yeah, feeling like a burden. I guess that IS an issue. I am so skittish about imposing on anyone, it's almost a dysfunctional behavior. So, if I see that my T has issues and I bring MY issues, it feels selfish and unsympathetic to her situation.

In real life, relationships between people are give and take. But with our therapists, it seems that all we do is take.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I know my T would feel horrible if she believed I had these thoughts.

That's all you; you cannot know how your T feels unless you tell her your thoughts and how her self-disclosure is affecting you and discuss it. But, I do not think it is her self-disclosure that is the "problem" but your own head/thoughts/feelings that are affecting you. What is happening to your T is just happening to your T and your perception of what is happening to your T is just your perception, not hers.

I got an eye opener when I was in the hospital for the first time, very ill. I realized once I got well again that all our thoughts about the elderly/sick/dying are based on how we think we would feel in their places, or how we think they feel, etc. not what they are actually dealing with themselves. In many ways it is worse to be a healthy person than a sick or dying person because the "viewer" has more personal energy/imagination/time to think than the struggling do. I think it goes along with why it seems easier to see/comment on other people's problems than on one's own situation, there's a distance from the problem that helps (but can hurt if we take the problem to heart and make it our own).

When I started therapy I had no "range" of emotions, no words to describe how I felt or what my experience was like and had almost no experience interacting with others so everything I thought and felt was coming out of that limited head space and my own imagination. Not a good combination. Now I feel like I can "see" more and have had more emotional experiences with which to compare what is going on with me now so I get more choices of possibilities.

I think your T would want to help you not feel the need to feel bad about yourself based on how you feel about her situation but I do not think she would feel she should not have self-disclosed the information. She cannot control how her clients take/perceive the information but not having the information at all can lead to errors of thought/action much worse than one's personal view the information, especially if you discuss your perception of it and how that perception is affecting you. You cannot do anything with information you do not have and I think it is a better situation to have to deal with information that may/may not hurt you but which is "shared" so the discussion of the information and multiple possible effects it might have can be shared too and the importance of the information to one adjusted so it "fits".

[rainbow8]

I can relate to your situation because of my knowing that my T is going through a divorce. She wasn't going to keep it from me but she didn't volunteer the information either. I guessed it.

She told me that she is fine and that she was not going to let her issue affect her work. She's done a great job in that respect. I'm the one who has sometimes brought it up, or has said "I hope it's okay to talk about this due to your situation". She doesn't seem bothered at all.

So it may be YOUR need to talk about T's self-disclosure, and that's an aspect of your therapy. Trying to forget about it during your session is not going to work. I think you know that. The fact that your T has told her clients about her situation means that she is willing to discuss the feelings that her disclosure has brought up. You will feel a lot better talking about it with her. Good luck.

Talk to her about it. Maybe print off your post as a good place to start? My therapist tells me a lot of stuff...recently it led to a humongous breakthrough. Nothing is wasted in therapy.

[unaluna]

I was talking about this with my t today. I related it back to how I felt in the hospital last September. T said I was good at helping people to help me. I don't know if that's just a nice way of saying I'm bossy. But this situation has reminded me of when Freud said, we let them (the patients) love us, what else can we do? I think he was projecting! It is probably more difficult and more meaningful for the client to let the t love them. We are not taking; we are giving in the sense of letting them do their job, not fighting them every step of the way. It's a big leap we take.

[looking4polaris]

I think it is ok to bring up and certainly totally understandable to be something that is on your mind. Based on your T's response to your original inquiry, I wonder if her response might be similar to what my T might do?
I worry about specific words/facts/figures or even how he will react if I bring up those things and, in the end, he always wants to know what my feelings are about that or what other thoughts or experiences they bring up in my mind. I don't think he's ever questioned a topic itself...only my feelings and associations. But then, he is an analyst
I guess I'm saying that I don't think it would change your relationship or how you work together if you bring it up... especially if you tell her how you feel (looking for a gagging smilie to insert here- I can't stand talking about feelings.)
Best of luck to you and to your T with whatever her personal challenge may be.