[tinyrabbit]

My T recently showed up with a big bandage on his finger. He had been doing some DIY, slipped and cut it badly.

This led to discussion about whether he looks after himself properly, how worried I am about his wellbeing, and my feeling that I'm supposed to take care of him. I keep asking if he's okay or in pain eg when he held my hand with that hand and he keeps saying it's not my job to worry about that

It's freaked me out a bit and I keep worrying that he might die. Yesterday he actually ended up texting me to confirm that he was not dead. I think it's brought up some important stuff really - and it's made me curious about how others have reacted to Ts being injured. How did you feel? Did it affect your therapy in any way?

[BlessedRhiannon]

My T hasn't been seriously injured or ill since I've started seeing her, and I don't know how I'd react. It's really not something I want to think about. I know that I would feel an urge to try to take care of her, and I know that she would tell me it's not my job.

My pdoc suffered from a traumatic brain injury last July, but thanks to extensive PT and great medical care, he was back at his practice part time by the end of September. I was very upset and scared when I heard about his injury. When I finally saw him at the end of September, there was a notice at the reception desk stating that he would prefer not to talk about his injury, as appointment times are for patients, not for him. So, I honored that and just asked how he was feeling (same as I would any other time) and commented that he looked well, and then tried to ignore it. I know that I was less forth-coming than I would normally have been. I was very conscious of not taking too much of his time and I know that I was putting on my "everything is fine" mask that I've never worn with him before. He didn't pick up on it, but I don't think he knows me well enough to have done so. Now that I know he's okay, I'm hoping that I can be more myself at our next appointment.

It's scary to think that someone I rely on could be seriously injured or even die. I've dealt with the death of loved ones and friends before, and it's hard, but I've survived. I just don't want to contemplate the possibility for now.

[stopdog]

The therapist I see has seriously injured herself twice in past two years. One time she was out for a few weeks and had a couple of surgeries and the other time she was in a lower leg/ankle/foot cast for over a month. I reacted by telling her I hoped she had decent drugs and was not in undue discomfort. The second time she did comment that other clients were more concerned about her condition than I was. I pointed out I had expressed concern about the injury twice and I thought more than that would have been intrusive.
She appears to have healed from each incident. The woman is old enough to die without it being a complete shock, so I have to accept that about her. I also have two of them in case one unexpectedly goes away (both are old enough for it to be a not unrealistic concern).

[trdleblue]

For me it would depend on the severity of the injury. It would have to be quite serious for me to worry about his well being.

[tooski]

My T hasn't been injured since I've been seeing him, but he has been slightly ill a couple of times. Yes, I worry about his health, but I don't feel I need to take care of him. He already has a wife to do that... But we've talked about it, and it's brought up some interesting stuff about insecure attachment and "object constancy" in his words. My attachment to him is very very insecure and with good reason - I never had secure attachments with my parents. And of course my attachments in RL are also insecure. So I live in fear that he's going to leave me, one way or another. So this is something we're really working on.

I think it's important to discuss feelings & stuff like this, rather than make judgments about it being right or wrong, or too needy, or whatever. If the feelings aren't "normal" (whatever that is!) or if someone is uncomfortable with them, then that means it's something to be worked on. Not a condemnation. I think a lot of us on these forums are way too harsh in our judgments of ourselves and we need to cut ourselves some slack! God knows I'm trying

[scorpiosis37]

Offer to kiss T's boo-boo to make it all better? Offer to draw a pretty picture on T's cast? j/k. It would all depend on the severity of the injury/illness. If it wasn't too serious, I would probably just tell her that I hope she gets better soon. We all get sick or injured sometimes, so it wouldn't worry me too much. However, if it was serious, I would probably be very concerned about her. I'd understand that it wasn't my job to take care of her, but I'd still "feel" like I wanted to be there, if she needed anything. I would probably do something nice for her like make her a get well card or something. Generally, though, while I do care about my T and her well-being, I've never really worried about her health and I wouldn't unless I knew something was wrong. There are enough people in my life that really are sick and do need my care, so I wouldn't worry about T unless there was a reason to do so.

[feralkittymom]

It can be tough. My T was rarely sick, and the occasional cold and such never bothered me; he never cancelled a session for such minor illness.

But in the last year of therapy, he needed unexpected surgery that was very serious. He called me to tell me briefly what was happening and that he wouldn't be able to see me for a couple of months. I was quite worried. When he returned to work to close down his private practice, he encouraged me to talk about it. We talked pretty thoroughly about his mortality and both of our fears at the time. I know it wasn't an easy discussion for him, and I appreciated his insistence that we pursue it because it was in my best interests. I also appreciated his keeping the focus on my feelings while also genuinely accepting my concern for him. I think it was a difficult balance to acheive, and it helped to set the tone of our ending therapy.

Recently, he had a somewhat serious accident. It wasn't life-threatening, but was of the type that can lead to life-threatening consequences in the elderly. He seems to be recovering well, but it has worried me. I don't think my feelings are out of scope with the situation, but because I do care about him, I want the best for him.

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

... it's made me curious about how others have reacted to Ts being injured. How did you feel? Did it affect your therapy in any way?

I've been with my T through illness and recovery from an injury. Both times, I had the urge to care for or help him in some way. That is just my nature. He rebuffed my offers of assistance but that was o.k. It gave me the opportunity to let him know I cared about him as a person. He means more to me than someone I just do business with. I never thought any less of him and his incapacitation and/or compromised health never affected my therapy. We worked through it all (just as he would do for me if the situation were reversed).

[learning1]

With my current t I think I would feel the way I would feel about a coworker who I did not work very closely with who got injured. I would feel bad about it and probably think about it from time to time (if it was an injury that was going to cause some difficulty in their life or their future health) but I would expect that I probably would not be a person from whom they would want much help or support, since they all have other people to do that. If I sensed that they would accept any help or support from me, I would appreciate the chance to offer it, but that would be unlikely to happen.

If it was just injuring a finger, I wouldn't worry about it much. If it was going to cause them problems with using their hand for a little while, I'd feel some sympathy about that, but it probably wouldn't cross my mind much at all when I wasn't with them.

If it was more serious, like traumatic brain injury, I'd think about it a lot more, but I still expect they wouldn't accept or want support from me.

[growlycat]

Main T has been injured before and it IS unnerving!

Given his age, late 60's, I worry about him dying all the time. I'm just not ready to lose him in my life.

[RTerroni]

Never happened with my Therapist before but happened with my Disability Lawyer and former Job Coach before. Both had a slight impact on me, with my Disability Lawyer she needed to use a cane to get into the hearing room and with my Job Coach she was unable to show up for a meeting with the placement agency as was with at the time, so she had to participate over the phone instead.

Probably wouldn't affect me much unless it was a life-threatening issue. Dealing with very serious illness in people close to me seems to be an all-to-common state of life for me unfortunately, but it means that it takes A LOT to frazzle me much. A hurt finger wouldn't cause me to bat an eye honestly.

[anilam]

TR I so get it. I worry about my Ts well-being even without any injury. Like does he spent enough time with his family? Isn't he working too hard? ...
I think two things come in play here- firstly, most ppl like their Ts and its natural to care about ppl we like, and secondly we try to ensure that we would have our Ts in life as long as needed.

[tinyrabbit]

It also taps into elements of my upbringing - feeling that I can't expect things from T when he has his own needs. It has been really helpful, I think, to have this come into my therapy, as my T has been able to show me that it's not my job to look after him and it's okay to still expect things from him.

[Perna]

My T sprained an ankle; she did not get up and come to the waiting room to get me, called me to come there instead and it did not occur to me she could have a problem so I was rather sarcastic about her not "bothering" to come get me. She had to call attention to her bandaged foot and then I felt like a. . . wait for it. . . heel

I put myself in the picture too often and did not consider the other person but I can see the other side too, where someone would consider the other person and their problems too much in relation to one's self.

Totally get it, TR. I would be completely freaked if my therapist came in visibly injured. Being a nurse probably makes it worse and I would demand to inspect the injury and know the details of the occurrence and subsequent treatment. Ha!

I often fear that she will die, now that I'm pretty much over the fear that she will dump me. We had a conversation about it just yesterday (which is why your post is, as always, very timely for me) and together we made a contingency plan about how and under what circumstances I would be contacted if something happened. We discussed how quickly she would disclose a terminal diagnosis, what would happen if she was incapacitated but didn't die (like if she had a massive stroke that left her aphasic or something), whether I could go to her funeral, and I even have the name of another therapist that I know she trusts, that I could transfer to. Weird, huh?

Given the kind of work I do, there is absolutely no way to reassure me that something weird and sudden most likely won't happen. So to have her make plans with me tells me that it's OKAY to have these concerns. It doesn't make me crazy, it doesn't make our attachment too strong, it doesn't make me paranoid. It just IS. It will be a long time (if ever) that I trust that something random won't steal her from my life, but in the meantime, I am at least partially comforted by our "plan."

Interestingly enough, I did not think about this from a caretaking perspective...as in, having a need to take care of the therapist. That's good food for thought for me so thank you for that, as usual!

[unaluna]

I have been all over the place with ts on this one, mostly dissociated I think. Always cheerful. Now with both t and I being over 60 and our respective family histories and current health states, it's a crapshoot every morning. So to speak.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by PumpkinEater

I often fear that she will die, now that I'm pretty much over the fear that she will dump me. We had a conversation about it just yesterday (which is why your post is, as always, very timely for me) and together we made a contingency plan about how and under what circumstances I would be contacted if something happened. We discussed how quickly she would disclose a terminal diagnosis, what would happen if she was incapacitated but didn't die (like if she had a massive stroke that left her aphasic or something), whether I could go to her funeral, and I even have the name of another therapist that I know she trusts, that I could transfer to. Weird, huh?

Not at all. Pretty normal for therapy clients to worry about this stuff, I believe. When I saw an interim T while mine was on the summer vacation, I spent a lot of the time talking about my fears that my T would die. I would really like to ask my T about some of the stuff you covered here, in fact.