Why dual relationships are hard

I am a nurse at an HIV Clinic, the only one in our community and the only one within a 50 mile radius. Part of my job is to take referrals from the community for new patients. My T called last week to refer another of her clients for services at the my clinic. Of course, I was the one she talked to. After taking all the information and making the appointment I spoke my standard "thank for your referral to our office". Then my T says "I am just so glad that you will be there to help this young man". Well, I immediately went into "oh, my T likes me" mode, "my T thinks highly of me", "oh isn't this wonderful". I would never have thought like this had this statement been made by anyone else making a referral. Now, I am not complaining, and given the situation there is no other way that this patient could receive care other than for this interaction to happen. It's just that it made me see how difficult it is to have a therapeutic relationship with someone and NOT have that spill over into other relationships that you might have with that person. In my case, as I said, this dual relationship is unavoidable. Just food for thought I guess.

It was your lightbulb moment! Your t was grateful for your help, but it became about you. It's like you can SEE the boundary line wiggling around like a squirmy worm! It just fascinates me.

I HATE dual relationships. I know they are sometimes unavoidable, and I'm not criticizing you. I've had a few dual relationships. I'd probably do and feel just what you expressed. I'm not even sure why I hate them, but they make me very very nervous. I'm afraid of them. (but I also like the positive feelings I get from them when they aren't scaring me).

Yep, you are correct. A squirmy worm!!

I'm being dumb, but I don't think I understand how the boundary was wriggling here?

Was it not just you getting a modest glow of enjoyment out of interacting with someone you know and like? I mean, say it had been somebody else, like a college professor you got on very well with- would you not have felt a similar appropriate sense of pleasure if they made a nice remark (the remark your T made was intended as a compliment wasn't it?) in passing?

Maybe you're right. It was a compliment and a sincere one, I believe. But I think that maybe because T means so much to me and I want so much to please her that I set more store in it than I would have otherwise. It wasn't just a modest glow of enjoyment. It was a jump up and down (in my mind) happy dance. I really don't know how to explain it, it was just different. And yes, I could see that line wiggling. Not that there was an issue in crossing it so much as "there's that line they're always talking about. I wondered where it was". Am I dealing with this person as I would anyone else who calls in a referral or is it different? No I didn't. For me, it was just different.

God I had this horrible counselor when I was 18, we had multiple relationships, and it was all a huge conflict of interest. Her name was Lydia, she was a member of a church my family and I had attended since I was 8, so she has known me since I was a little girl. My best friend was her duaghter, only two years younger then me. Often times in the summer I'd spend weeks at her house avoiding my own home. Her husband was the minister of the church and my Gram liked to invite him into family affairs and crises.

Over the years we got close (Lydia and I), I thought of her as a mother figure, we even kissed like mother/daughters do. Well when I was 18 I knew I needed counselling, Lydia was a counselor and I had no health insurance so she offered me free sessions I said yes immediately. Since she knew my entire family since I was little it was very difficult to bring up the abuse I suffered but I did. And she would always question my version of things, asking if it really happened, sometimes outright telling me she didn't believe me. Accused me of being an attention seeker that needed to stop feeling sorry for herself. Other time she would tell me she didn't want to hear it.

She'd come to sessions with things she wanted to discuss, telling me what I should be doing, not taking into consideration my emotional limits or how hard things were for me. At one point in my counselling with her I was thinking about dropping out of high school, I was very depressed and very behind, I was ready to give up. She told me that I was just wasting time and to drop out already, I was just playing around and that if I really wanted to pass I would have andf obviously this was what I wanted.

This all ended disastorously (For me anyway). It was around this time that I was beginning to get comfortable with my sexuality and was coming out to certain family and friends. It was very difficult for a long time because I had been raised in that church and they always taught something was wrong with you if you were that way. In one of the most ignorant things I've heard in my bisexual life was something Don (The minister and Lydia's husband) said, "I have no issues with someone who is gay coming to the church so long as they aren't practicing." Anyway for some reason I wanted to tell Lydia--BIG MISTAKE.

She told me that I was just doing it for attention and to stop acting out, stop trying desperately to get people to care for me. She said it was wrong and that I was an abomination. I walked out of my session halfway through in tears, I was so ashamed and mortified. It was only a few hours later I got a call from her husband saying that Lydia had told him everything and wanted to speak to me about curing me and getting this taken care of. I agreed because I was too upset to argue. He told me the same thing Lydia did.

The next week came and I actually did show up for my appointment, she let me in without a word and we sat in silence for ten minutes before she calmly looked me in the eye and asked if I was going to create drama and be melodramatic this session or if I was going to act my age and be serious. I began crying all over again. She sighed and told me she didn't want me to associate with her daughter (My bffl) anymore. Told me to stay away from her family, take down any pictures I have of me with her family off my facebook. Then she opened the door and told me to get out that she no longer wished to see me.

The following week the entire church knew and sent me hate mail, I was kicked out of the church and verbally abused and harrassed.

So that was a bit messy.

Georgia girl's t said, "I am just so glad YOU will be there to help this young man." I don't know about Georgia girl, but I am all like, "omg, did she mean ME in particular??!" All of a sudden it's personal. Whereas with anyone else who calls into the clinic, it's professional. Now maybe that's a fault or deficiency in ME that I got all excited - like when I jumped up to help my t with his lightbulb because I could hear my mother's voice telling me not to be lazy or else he won't marry me. So anyway, it just made it more clear to me, that that's a line they hold for us. Sorry this post is a little distracted - im expecting a phone call and it will erase it, so I keep saving it in bits!

Hankster (and this is kind of a moot point as GeorgiaGirl has already explained more) I would argue that yes everyone would have a personal reaction in a professional environment when you know the person you're dealing with, but that can be okay and doesn't mean boundaries are threatened? So, in effect I see where it becomes the dual relationship, but not that the boundary line is automatically compromised by there being a dual relationship.

I don't know, I'm muddling myself the more I think of this!

OMG sweetie, how awful!!! This woman should NEVER have offered to counsel you. Not EVER! and then she broke confidentiality. You need to report this woman ASAP so she never hurts anyone else like this again.

Hankster, you and I are right on the same page with this. If the other's can't understand then I guess they have just not ever been there.

Right, the boundary wasn't threatened at all. But I could just see it so clearly and understand why dual relationships, it possible, ought to be avoided. And if they can't be then they need to be handled carefully on everyone's part to avoid spill over of the therapeutic relationship as much as possible.

Daeva, I am really sorry that all of that happened to you.

Are you assuming some action has to be taken because boundaries are compromised? I would say not; that as long as there is awareness and people talk about it, something " touching" the boundary doesnt automatically mean game over.

Also, I'm coming from a background of very weird boundaries. On the one hand, they were non-existent; on the other, they were huge. So trying to figure out normal is a task!

It was over 5 years ago and she's gone to a different state, not to mention she doesn't use her counselling degree, she only used it to "Help" me because she "Cared" for me. If I had known before I might have reported her. She never even mentioned having confidentiality with her. I have never even told my T about her. I think I'll bring her up next session--it explains my abandonment issues (Well my abusive family explains that as well) but I'm super-clingy to my T and I have nightmares of her leaving me, literally nightmares I wake up and can't go back to sleep and have panic attacks.

I honestly forgot all about Lydia until this week when something my T said triggered me.