[ShrinkPatient]

I can't deal with rejection and everything feels like rejection. I don't think I can balance the highs and lows. I'm way too sensitive. I'm too needy. I felt like I had to cut tonight because there is no other release. I blared Evanescence and did the only thing I know.
I almost emailed T, but it feels like I do it between every session. Always a new drama. I can't maintain. I just want to go back to the time that I avoided rejection instead of sitting here anticipating it. I can't contain these overwhelming feelings.
I'm sitting here with my sons watching a movie and they have no idea of the inner pain and turmoil. That's why I cut. To keep it from spilling over, to keep from extending my pain to them.
I need this to stop. I just need a break!!!!

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I understand... Have felt that way many times. I am really sorry it hurts so much.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. (Hugs)

[Karrebear]

Sorry you're struggling

[Freewilled]

I'm sorry, SP I can relate very much to feelings of overwhelm and not knowing how to contain it all. I'm trying to cope w/o harming myself but....If the pressure gets to be too much, I find I can lash out at others and I'd much rather hurt myself in some way to get a release...wish I understood what the healthy option is besides those two

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I'm sorry, SP I can relate very much to feelings of overwhelm and not knowing how to contain it all. I'm trying to cope w/o harming myself but....If the pressure gets to be too much, I find I can lash out at others and I'd much rather hurt myself in some way to get a release...wish I understood what the healthy option is besides those two

Free... My T says I need to "feel my feelings". I kind of see that as the problem. I don't know how to deal with them. They're too deep and too strong. I'm a passionate person in every respect in my life... My illness is no different. It burns hot and wild.
Thanks for posting. I feel live a damaged freak. It's somewhat a comfort to know I'm not the only one.

Not that you're a damaged freak too. You know what I mean..../:



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[Asiablue]

It doesn't sound like you're coping in between sessions, is it a possibility to up the amount of sessions per week you have? Or can your T give you more solid communication in between each session? Or when you're in therapy maybe for the next wee while focus on coping methods rather than the deep stuff which is maybe overwhelming you?

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

It doesn't sound like you're coping in between sessions, is it a possibility to up the amount of sessions per week you have? Or can your T give you more solid communication in between each session? Or when you're in therapy maybe for the next wee while focus on coping methods rather than the deep stuff which is maybe overwhelming you?

Thanks Asia... I do see my T twice a week and have for over a year. My T has encouraged me to email or call her when I'm feeling this way. However, I feel like a constant burden. I am sick to death of myself and can't imagine her feeling any differently. If I could jut have a break from being me for a little bit, maybe I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed and I could deal with these feelings in a more healthy way. Idk... I'm sick of being me.

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[Asiablue]

Well clearly something is wrong, whether it's being overwhelmed in therapy which is then triggering you or you need more than twice per week or a different kind of therapy maybe?

I know you feel like a burden but if she says it's ok to contact her then do that, it might just take the intensity away from you. Do you journal or do anything creative? What do you do than helps?

sorry things are so hard for you right now ♥

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Well clearly something is wrong, whether it's being overwhelmed in therapy which is then triggering you or you need more than twice per week or a different kind of therapy maybe?

I know you feel like a burden but if she says it's ok to contact her then do that, it might just take the intensity away from you. Do you journal or do anything creative? What do you do than helps?

I would be open to seeing her 3 times a week. My therapy sessions have been making me feel a lot better but it's only temporary because then I start worrying that I've said or done something that might cause my T to reject me, which the rational side of me believes she never would. However, Ts reject patients without warning all the time. I read it on PC everyday.
I do journal. T does help. I also wrote my T an Email that I didn't send, which kind of helped too. Unfortunately nothing helps more then Evanescence and SIB right now and when I'm honest with my T about what I've done she's just going to be more disappointed...
I really do appreciate all the support I get here at PC. I don't feel as alone and it allows me to vent to people who might understand what I'm feeling.
Thank you Asia..


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[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by invisible butterfly

sorry things are so hard for you right now ♥

Thanks for all the support. It's overwhelming in an unexpected way. hug

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[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by ShrinkPatient

Free... My T says I need to "feel my feelings". I kind of see that as the problem. I don't know how to deal with them. They're too deep and too strong. I'm a passionate person in every respect in my life... My illness is no different. It burns hot and wild.
Thanks for posting. I feel live a damaged freak. It's somewhat a comfort to know I'm not the only one.

Not that you're a damaged freak too. You know what I mean..../:



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My T says the same - that I need to make space to feel my feelings....I definitely don't have the answers, but I have to believe there is something to what my T is saying. I also have told my T I feel that I am just damaged, but he told me I'm NOT damaged - but injured. He says I can get better so even though I do not believe him really, I hope to God that he is right. I hold onto that hope and seeing him helps me to maintain to some degree. It keeps me alive anyway.

I think, for me anyway, that I have a hard time holding the middle of two extremes. That I am either a horrible, awful no-good piece of **** when I **** up or I'm all good, meaning I made a good choice so I'm ok. Only I can't always stay "ok", right? I mean, I'm NOT perfect and will never be. So I'm wondering if I can accept it when I screw up (no matter how bad I feel it is) then maybe that will bring some matter of relief. Any bit of relief is good, no?

So you ended up harming yourself and now you feel badly. Instead of going down into a worse spiral of shame by shaming yourself for what you've done, what if you were able to be kind to yourself about it? Like tell yourself you did the best you could with what you had in that exact moment and then talk kindly to yourself. It's ok, SP. Is there anything positive you have done, no matter how small you think it may be, that you can hold onto? I see that you reached out to us here and that is a good thing

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

My T says the same - that I need to make space to feel my feelings....I definitely don't have the answers, but I have to believe there is something to what my T is saying. I also have told my T I feel that I am just damaged, but he told me I'm NOT damaged - but injured. He says I can get better so even though I do not believe him really, I hope to God that he is right. I hold onto that hope and seeing him helps me to maintain to some degree. It keeps me alive anyway.

I think, for me anyway, that I have a hard time holding the middle of two extremes. That I am either a horrible, awful no-good piece of **** when I **** up or I'm all good, meaning I made a good choice so I'm ok. Only I can't always stay "ok", right? I mean, I'm NOT perfect and will never be. So I'm wondering if I can accept it when I screw up (no matter how bad I feel it is) then maybe that will bring some matter of relief. Any bit of relief is good, no?

So you ended up harming yourself and now you feel badly. Instead of going down into a worse spiral of shame by shaming yourself for what you've done, what if you were able to be kind to yourself about it? Like tell yourself you did the best you could with what you had in that exact moment and then talk kindly to yourself. It's ok, SP. Is there anything positive you have done, no matter how small you think it may be, that you can hold onto? I see that you reached out to us here and that is a good thing

Free... I feel like I'm damaged beyond repair too and whatever's left isn't worth saving. I had not cut in almost two months. I guess that's a positive thing in a twisted way. The one thing I am proud of myself for is that I'm going to FINALLY finish my bachelors degree. I got my associates in '07. I'm going back to school next semester and I only have one semester left. Also, I preparing and hoping to get into Grad school next fall. These things make me feel better about myself. However I'm afraid I'll fail. I've always done well in college so it's irrational in some ways but I am older now.

I really relate to how you feel about your illness too. You could have taken those words right out of my thoughts. When it's good, it's great. When it's not, it's HELL. I'm always either inspired or hopeless. I'm never in the middle where it appears most people live. I don't know how to "just be".
I hope things get better for you. The funny thing is I never see anyone else as totally broken. At this moment I'm thinking, "Freewilled can make it." Like there's hope for you and everyone but me because I'm a worthless piece of ****. Not like I'm special or unique, but like I was a mistake. I keep trying to remind myself that a weed is only a misplaced flower and even dandelions are beautiful.
Thank you so much for all your posts and support. You just can't know how much I appreciate you. I feel less lonely...

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seems we have such a hard time seeing the good in ourselves but not in others. you are no way damaged or broken beyond repair,no way! ♥

[ShrinkPatient]

You guys rock!!!

[Asiablue]

[QUOTE=ShrinkPatient;3417597]I would be open to seeing her 3 times a week. My therapy sessions have been making me feel a lot better but it's only temporary because then I start worrying that I've said or done something that might cause my T to reject me, which the rational side of me believes she never would. However, Ts reject patients without warning all the time. I read it on PC everyday.
I do journal. T does help. I also wrote my T an Email that I didn't send, which kind of helped too. Unfortunately nothing helps more then Evanescence and SIB right now and when I'm honest with my T about what I've done she's just going to be more disappointed...
I really do appreciate all the support I get here at PC. I don't feel as alone and it allows me to vent to people who might understand what I'm feeling.
Thank you Asia..

Believe me, i know that too well. There is nothing worse than the constant itch of wanting to self-harm. I can go for maybe 3-4 months S.I free and then give in. But honestly, is listening to Evanescence the best choice to make? Angry angst ridden music is not going to inspire you to healthy choices!!
Why not try listening to disney songs up really loud or any other silly songs. Challenge yourself to listen to or dance to 20 mins minimum of happy silly songs and see if that helps. The S.H urges do pass if you allow them to.

Also i think it would really benefit you to have an open discussion with your T about expectations. What hers are and what yours are.Under what circumstances would she terminate you. What you need to help you, exactly how she can help you outside of session, when you can expect to hear from her, what she will/will not respond to, rules for contact essentially. Once you're totally comfortable with what to expect from her i think it will take the pressure off of you.