[Ambra]

Hi, a few days ago it was my birthday and T knew it because I told her last week when talking about birthdays. We text each other between sessions but it's always started by her so far, and only for directions or slight adjustments if I agree. It happens pretty often but the changes are really small and it doesn't bother me as she always gives me my weekly session on that day no matter what.
Now, I wasn't expecting any b-day wishes but she texted me on my birthday, I thought "ah, what nice!", but she just asked if we could move up the next session.
She probably forgot - or maybe didn't think it would be appropriate (I've been seeing her for just 3 months now) and also seems to have strict boundaries. But now I'm curious and was wondering if it would be appropriate for a T to send birthday wishes. And, do you get them from your T? Maybe after a longer period with them? Thank you
(And, by the way: happy Thanksgiving and happy Hanukkah to everyone celebrating them!)

[ThisWayOut]

I've never had a t send b-day wishes (or any holiday our significant date wishes) outside of session. If there was an anniversary that negatively impact me, I was told to contact t, but they never initiated contact without prior arrangement.
I think it's an individual thing, but I think as a rule most t's will not say anything unless it's significant to treatment I'm some way, or you are there very near to that day.

[Wren_]

T's seem to vary a lot; partly because of their own personal preferences as well as their professional ones. My first T used to hand paint birthday cards for her clients and send them to them on their birthdays and did the same for Christmas; another T said Happy Birthday if I mentioned it but it wasn't a big thing for him and with my current T it hasn't come up. Might be worth talking to your T about this and getting her thoughts on birthdays

Happy belated birthday as well

[MusicLover79]

My T said happy birthday the session before my birthday because I wasn't going to see him the next time since it was my bday. so yep

Last year, I mentioned in passing to my then-T that it was my birthday. She did not react or respond in any way. I thought that was slightly odd but it didn't bother me or make me sad. This year, my 40th was on the day between my two weekly sessions. T knew about it, he'd mentioned it the week before and on the day before we talked a little about my disappointment in myself for failing to have any kind of celebration (which I would really have wanted to), and how much I had been looking forward to finally turning 40. But he did not wish me a happy birthday or ask how the day had been, afterwards. And that did make me a little disappointed and sad, especially since the day had basically sucked.

So, in my case, no, it seems to be a completely taboo thing with the Ts I have seen.

[archipelago]

I don't expect this sort of thing, like remembering my birthday or getting holiday greetings. My shrink is way too busy to be able to handle all of that for every single patient. And he has a busy life outside as well so I know his limitations.

However, once when I was recovering from surgery and homebound, he agreed to come to my place to do session on my birthday. He had visited me in the hospital so it just seemed like another step. Plus at the time I was devastated by certain tragic life changes so I think he knew that I needed just a little extra from him. And he was quite willing. We stayed within the time frame of a regular session and besides a few things like playing with a funny balloon, we did have a pretty regular session. He does make exceptions for people who have medical issues. He is an MD so perhaps more aware of these types of things. I know that he helps an elderly lady with her meds and goes to where she lives because she's in a wheelchair and so it's not easy for her to get to his office.

On the flip side, I always remember his birthday and sorta shower him with gifts. Nothing too expensive or he would be uncomfortable, but something thoughtful that I think he would like. He enjoys this and appreciates my kindness.

I have no idea what other patients do. I think some do send or give holiday gifts or cards. But as I said, it would just be virtually impossible for him to do that. He has something like 80 patients. To expect that of him would be unfair.

[Amandasmom]

My Ts birthday is 2 weeks before mine. I always wish her a happy birthday. She will thank me and then say happy birthday to you too!

[Daeva]

My T knows when my bday is and even if I bring it up, never wishes me Happy Birthday

[archipelago]

That's sad. I'm sorry that happens with your therapist. How much effort does it take to verbally wish someone a happy birthday? Jeesh!

[anilam]

Nope, my T'd never send me a Bday wish. IDK, guess some Ts do some Ts don't. I think probably most don't with all the clients they have...

[sweepy62]

My t knows my birthday, back in sept all she said was, I know it was your birthday on monday, and smiled, but that was it. She did wish me a happy thanksgiving.

My birthday is a huge deal for me..as in, the biggest holiday of the year. To celebrate, she brought me a small cake with a card. Of course, the card had a very nice message that infuriated me (because I hate it when she says nice things...) but we were actually able to laugh about it because I told her that I resisted the urge to put it in the shredder. It was so nice to be remembered by her.

[pbutton]

This happened in one of my recent sessions:

T: You have a birthday coming up.
Me: What the hell?
T: 'What the hell?' I'm holding your chart in my hands. Your birthdate is at the top of every page.
Me: Of course.

Not really sure what that was all about, but at least he was able to see my honest reaction.

[stopdog]

The therapists I see have not made mention of it, but I don't tend to mention it either. It would be a bit creepy to me if a therapist said happy birthday to me out of the blue.

[archipelago]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The therapists I see have not made mention of it, but I don't tend to mention it either. It would be a bit creepy to me if a therapist said happy birthday to me out of the blue.

I don't mean out of the blue. Like I said I don't think they should remember when, but if it is mentioned, which is likely, it seems odd to not say something. It doesn't have to be "happy birthday" which can sound corny to some, but well wishing or acknowledge isn't a boundary issue. It's just normal.

[skysblue]

I'm not sure how I'd feel if my T wished me Happy Birthday. I might feel embarrassed or self-conscious. The typical social response would be to be able to reciprocate the greeting when it is her birthday. But I don't know her birthday so I wouldn't be able to.

I guess it would be o.k. if she did but I certainly don't expect it or necessarily want it. I am sure, though, that if I told her it was my birthday today during a session, she would automatically and sincerely wish me a happy birthday.

My t and i have birthdays very close together. We have a birthday party with treats and presents for each other.its fun.

[Ambra]

Thank you all for sharing
I can see it really depends on the therapist - as for me it doesn't bother me at all, but since it's my first significant date in T I was curious and I'm always wondering what is allowed and what is not and what I should expect. She actually asked me what I was going to do for my birthday last week, (and I said, nothing special since this year I'm in a sort of limbo where I can't find anything to celebrate - even though I'd like to, but I'm keeping it for next year hopefully)!
I had my session today and didn't talk about it because I barely had enough time to say all the other things. Anyway, I see someone does get b-day wishes from T (PumpkinEater, wow that's nice from her, and very caring!) so I assume it's not considered inappropriate then, if someone chooses to do it..

[Leah123]

I just have to say that it seems unnecessarily cold of me for a therapist to be told it is a client's birthday and not wish them well! I see it more as a basic requirement of human kindness and decency and etiquette.

My goodness, I feel it's quite a breach of manners. I would not expect a gift or card or party, but I can't understand right now why they would not say a hearty "Happy Birthday!"

I mentioned it was my birthday a couple weeks ago to my therapist. She'd known it was coming up but not the day. I was sad about my hubby not saying Happy Birthday (he sent me on a pre-planned trip the next day, so it wasn't so bad) so I mentioned that to her in passing. She and I are pretty close, so I think this was extra sweet, but instead of saying Happy Birthday, she told me she would sing it to me like she did for her nieces and nephews and sang me the sweetest Happy Birthday song. I was SO touched and told her so.

[Lauliza]

My Pdoc has never acknowledged my bday. But, I only see him once a month and it's never been on my birthday. He has about 100 patients so I don't have the expectation that he'd remember it anyway. However if it was my bday and I told him so, I'm confident he would say happy birthday. If it close to Thanksgiving or Christmas he always says "have a great .." Or asks how the holiday was. Honestly that's just manners. A T not saying something if they know it is your bday or acknowledging a major holiday seems kinda
rude.


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[archipelago]

Yes, I don't have the expectation that mine will remember, but I agree with Leah that it is a question of just plain manners and being decent to wish someone well if they mention their birthday. And I don't believe it has to be reciprocated. I happen to know my shrink's birthday and like to honor it because I like to show my appreciation for all the hard work he does for me. These things are not really about boundaries or even affection or warmth. They are sorts of meta-communication that there is respect for people as human beings. It just basic.

[reesecups]

Actually, I had a T who would send home-made cards for my Birthday, at Christmas and such. I always liked it and cherished that my T would actually think enough of me to do this.

[BonnieJean]

Mine acknowledges my birthday. I've had 3 while seeing her. She doesn't 'wish' happy b'day.

T: Today is your birthday
Me: Yes it is.

[Ambra]

I just have to say that it seems unnecessarily cold of me for a therapist to be told it is a client's birthday and not wish them well! I see it more as a basic requirement of human kindness and decency and etiquette.

These things are not really about boundaries or even affection or warmth. They are sorts of meta-communication that there is respect for people as human beings. It just basic.

I agree with you. It's not what everyone expects, but maybe if I had been there on my b'day saying that (or assuming that T knows/remembers it), not getting a plain wish would have been a bit odd to me as well, also because T seems very caring.
I think that some therapists might just adapt to what they think their clients prefer, if it makes any sense? (but I have no idea).
For instance, I actually stated that I didn't want to celebrate my birthday this year, or I don't like to be touched etc, it came out in previous sessions. And we used to shake hands at the beginning, but I recently noticed I unconsciously stopped giving her my hand, even though I really didn't mean to (and I also changed position for a while, staying more distant and curled up out of embarassment and feeling exposed) after disclosing about uncomfortable things. So I'm not saying mine would have wished me happy b'day if it hadn't been for my current issues/body language/statements, but maybe it might be the case, sometimes.

I don't think it matters how long you're seeing your T if they acknowledge your birthday or not. I think it depends on the T themselves. When my birthday fell on the day of my session, I still kept my appointment. My T didn't remember or realize it was my birthday so there was no acknowledgement of it. Disappointing for me since it was THE day (I wasn't too surprised though). I'm sure it's too burdensome for them to remember but it's nice that some do. Some T's are not the warm & fuzzy type.