[tametc]

I have therapy tomorrow with a T who I'm still trying to get used to in some ways. Last week she gave me a handout on coping skills, a lot of which applied to persons who have substance abuse issues. (Not my issue, BTW.) She also recommended a book by Francine Shapiro, "Getting Past Your Past". Shapiro is the one who started EMDR. Just reading the reviews and info online about the book, I'm definitely NOT going to use it. I've already told my T more than once that EMDR is something that I don't want any part of, as it reminds me of some of the abuse I experienced, and it scares the ***** out of me.

*********************TRIGGER WARNING*******************



Part of my abuse was similar to the mind control type that was referred to in Cory Hammond's "Greenbaum" speech. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you can google it. My new T knows this, but she's never worked with someone who experienced this type of trauma, which I think is one reason why she feels I need a co-therapist to work with. My former therapist was extremely sensitive to this, and made sure to be very respectful and careful when dealing with it.

The point is, she has been in practice for over 30 years (I think), and of all the resources on coping skills, she decides to recommend this one? WTF? I am going to talk about this with her tomorrow. I didn't ask for any resources like this, either, and if she and I are supposed to be doing grief work, I don't see how this applies. She knows I've been in therapy for a long time, and that I have a lot of strength and resilience, and coping skills. I feel misunderstood. Thanks for listening. It helps me to write about this so I can be more clear about it when I talk to her. Any replies are appreciated.

[CantExplain]

A lot of Ts can't be "broken in". They're just not flexible enough. If that is the case, all you can do is move on.

[Daeva]

Sounds like she was NOT listening to you at all! I'd confront her about it, if she doesn't change find a new one

[unaluna]

When someone tells you who they are, listen. A Shapiro book would upset me too.

[Bill3]

It is disturbing and disappointing that she would recommend EMDR after you flat out told her no multiple times.

How did she come to your attention such that you decided to give her a try?

[Fuzzybear]

[Onyx999]

I'm going to quote Mad T.V's Bonqui qui here and say, "Saaacurity!!! This lady needs to go! Needs to go!"

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Daeva

Sounds like she was NOT listening to you at all! I'd confront her about it, if she doesn't change find a new one

Exactly so.

[tametc]

Originally Posted by Onyx999

I'm going to quote Mad T.V's Bonqui qui here and say, "Saaacurity!!! This lady needs to go! Needs to go!"

OMG! This was so funny! I thought about this on my drive to therapy yesterday. Thanks!

[tametc]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It is disturbing and disappointing that she would recommend EMDR after you flat out told her no multiple times.

How did she come to your attention such that you decided to give her a try?

She shared an office with my former T, and she is who he recommended. I had brief contact with her in previous years, when my T was unavailable. I am posting more here about how it went yesterday.

[tametc]

Originally Posted by Daeva

Sounds like she was NOT listening to you at all! I'd confront her about it, if she doesn't change find a new one

I appreciate you, Daeva.

[tametc]

I am so thankful for all of you here. It helps so much to be able to check out my perceptions and feelings, and get caring feedback. I did talk to my T about this, and clarified a lot of things. I tape my therapy sessions, which I've been doing for years, with several former Ts also. I'm glad I do this, and I've found it helpful with this new T because I am realizing a lot of things about myself. I think there are parts of me that are quite resistant to her, because she can't ever "replace" my former T. I haven't dissociated this much in therapy for quite a while, and I found after listening to the tape from last week's session, that I missed entire parts of what she was saying and why she was recommending the resources.

She had given me the handout on coping skills while also acknowledging that I had developed a lot of great coping skills, but maybe there might be some more things I'd find helpful. I have decided to work with a co-therapist to deal with the deeper trauma issues, but that isn't going to be until at least after the new year. My T just wanted to "bolster" the resources I have, out of concern for parts of me who might struggle with waiting to deal more with the trauma. I actually appreciate her thinking about that, now that I've listened to the tape.

Also, I told her after reading reviews and info about the Shapiro book, I decided I was NOT going to use it as a resource, and told her that I thought that she would have other useful resources to recommend since she had been in practice for so long. She apologized, and explained that the concept of creating a "safe place" was the main thing she thought might be helpful. However, she hadn't explained that clearly last week, and once we discussed it yesterday, she backed off. She is more direct about suggestions than my old T. He always approached it as more of a "maybe this is a whacky idea, and you're free to tell me I'm full of it", before he offered suggestions. I realize I need to talk to this new T about this some more. I am quite resistant when I feel that I'm being told what I should do, as it resonates with past control and abuse. Even when someone tries to tell me a joke, part of my mind is racing ahead to figure out the punchline before they get to it, because I don't like to feel like I don't know what's coming next.

I think a lot of what I'm doing in therapy right now, other than some intense grief work, is learning to speak my mind without fear, even though I haven't fully developed trust with this T. I did challenge myself when I first started working with her, that I would speak my mind without worrying about whether or not it would make me "likeable". One of the gifts my old T gave me, is that I now like myself, and know that I have a right to my opinions and feelings. I realize that I am actually doing good work right now, because I am trusting myself more than ever, and allowing myself to s-l-o-w-l-y put trust in the new T's skills and professionalism.

Again, thanks to all of you. I especially like being reminded that I'm the one in charge in therapy, and if it's not working for me, I can change it.

Dear Old T: Thank you for the many gifts you gave me. You truly helped me to reclaim parts of myself, and to become the woman I was created to be. And thank you for your wisdom in recommending this new T. I hope you know how loved you are, and how much you will always mean to me. I know your beautiful brain is deteriorating from this cruel disease, but I pray that a piece of you will always have a "safe place" where you can know peace and comfort. I miss you , and I love you.

[Onyx999]

Excellent post! This is a good place to get feedback. It helps to have others examine your experiences and give their take on what might be going on. I think it's very helpful that you were able to listen to the tapes session and actually figure out that you were disassociating through parts of the interaction with your therapist.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

A lot of Ts can't be "broken in". They're just not flexible enough. If that is the case, all you can do is move on.

I guess what I'm saying is that I worked on Madame T for ten years and never managed to break her in.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I guess what I'm saying is that I worked on Madame T for ten years and never managed to break her in.

For me, what people seem to mean by "breaking in" a new relationship is just a shorthand version of getting the other person to do what you want. I don't think that a T or any other person in my life needs to be "trained" into some kind of automatic reaction in how to respond to me exactly as I like. Way too robotic and puppetmaster like for my tastes. I prefer to have authentic relationships with people, where they just don't tell me what I want to hear. A T isn't any different.

I do find that my T, and the ones I have had before her, are very receptive to me communicating clearly about what I need from them. Complaining because they recommended a book that isn't to my tastes-- I probably wouldn't, unless she followed up and asked me about it.

I think relationships take communication and authenticity, not "breaking in." It's not any different with a T. YMMV, of course.

[CantExplain]

You sound a lot like Madame T.

In some ways, the T relationship is not authentic and never can be. For a start, it is grossly asymmetric.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I am sure it can be seen that way. I just disagree. I have authentic relationships with my kids, and I certain have lots more power than they do. I don't see my T as having power over me at all, as I have the final say about whether I come back to her or not.

And when I hear more than one person giving me the same feedback, I stop and consider the possibility that I could benefit from changing.

[CantExplain]

What do you mean by "break in", Tametc?

[tametc]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

Complaining because they recommended a book that isn't to my tastes-- I probably wouldn't, unless she followed up and asked me about it.

I used the term "breaking in" in a flippant way. I tend to do this when I'm feeling stressed. I realize that not everyone thinks it's appropriate or funny, but it's one of my defense mechanisms.

As far as the book, it went beyond not being to my taste. I'd already clearly communicated to her more than once that anything to do with EMDR was very triggering and frightening for me, and I wanted no part of it.

[tametc]

Originally Posted by Onyx999

Excellent post! This is a good place to get feedback. It helps to have others examine your experiences and give their take on what might be going on. I think it's very helpful that you were able to listen to the tapes session and actually figure out that you were disassociating through parts of the interaction with your therapist.

Thank you.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

What do you mean by "break in", Tametc?

Perhaps you meant "reach a basic understanding and working relationship"?

[tametc]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Perhaps you meant "reach a basic understanding and working relationship"?

Yes, that's it. Well said. Thank you.

I could have also said I was struggling with getting used to this new T. Oh, well, the main thing is that I was able to see how my issues were clouding the communication, and I did clarify things with her in the last session. And, I plan to clarify even more when I see her next week.

Thanks again!

[tametc]

I saw my T today, and told her what I've learned from listening to the tapes of sessions and then reflecting on what I've heard. I told her I realized that some days she just isn't going to be right no matter what, because she's not my old T. I was able to acknowledge that some parts of me resent her because she isn't him. I am being brave with her, and with myself, because usually I would try to talk myself out of such an "unreasonable, immature" (my words for it) reaction. But I realize that this is normal, and I'm giving myself permission to feel this without judging or shaming myself. And I realize that grief is unreasonable. Then she pointed out to me that loss is also unreasonable.

Next week we are going to start looking at old therapy notes together. I requested copies of my records because I realize that every time I've ended therapy with someone, I obtain my records and read them over, and it helps me to have closure. That's my goal, here, also. I think it will help more with the grieving process. I find that I need to review where I've been, and how far I've come, so that I can put that to rest and be ready to move forward. In a way, I think it will serve as a sort of private memorial service with me and my new T. I've told her a few stories about our interactions over the years, some poignant, some funny. It helps to have someone who also knows him with whom I can share this. It also helps her to understand the relationship that we had, and why the loss is so difficult.

I find that sharing stories with her is a mixture of laughter and tears. It is a helpful way for me to grieve. It also gives me a tool to help control the pacing of the process. Thanks for all the replies. Being here helps me to get new perspectives on things.