Therapeutic Relationship

I have been in therapy with my current T for a few years now, we have been through a lot together and she has helped me so much. I have borderline personality disorder. Over the past few months our relationship has changed a bit. We have gotten closer. We started going out to the park and having sessions and other places. She started sharing things about her personal life. We go shopping together from time to time. Sometimes during our sessions we go out to eat. I am very attached to her and since we started doing these things outside of the office it has helped me a great deal and I have made so much improvements, but also become even more attached to her. Lately I have been seeing her 4-5 times a week. I cry when I know it will be a bit before I see her again and she is aware of this. When I have a really rough session she will hug me or play with my hair or pull me towards her and hold me. It is so healing. But part of it really scares me.

I try not to think about it and just embrace it, but again it all scares me a little.

Any thoughts on this?

sorry to say this but ur therapist prob never had experience with borderline. soooo many mistakes.. its already wrong having that kind of relationship with a client even worse with a borderline. mine (ex-T) made the mistake of giving me attention over email and things went south... ur T should keep it professional. tc

When I hear of a T who is seeing a client 4-5 times a week, I worry the client is being taken advantage of financially. That is a lot of money for a T to be getting from just one person. Has the frequency of your therapy always been 4-5 times a week or has it increased over the years? Often, the frequency goes down with time.

Were you diagnosed by a psychiatrist? And what kind of a therapy are you getting from your current therapist? I've heard of therapists who spend time with clients but usually when it's related to some issue, like somebody who has social phobia and wants to get exposure, etc.

My copay isn't very much and my therapist doesn't get paid per session, she gets a flat salary.

I wasn't diagnosed by a psychiatrist but have consulted with several others who agree that I have BPD. My T and I just kind of talk things out and sometimes we do a bit of DBT therapy.

This is not a healthy T/client relationship, your T is doing so many things that are unethical and she could be reported. She's really not helping you, cause it feels good now, but it can go sour fast. If you want my opinion: Run.

I can't stop going. I cannot leave her, I am so attached to her. I really don't think she would ever do anything to intentionally hurt me and I am very untrusting and skeptical of people. How do I just stop going?

Oh I see. I mean as long as your T is licensed and was recommended by a good doctor, then I guess she knows what she's doing. Or sometimes it's a cultural thing, people being closer together, even in professional relationships, depending on the therapist and client.

But still it does bother me to hear that you guys go shopping or your T playing with your hair....I mean going out to eat once or twice may be fine in certain kinds of therapy but this other stuff just seems little too close and as you admit yourself, it can be both healing and also kind of scary. Why don't you talk about it with your therapist or your doctor or whoever else who is close to you and cares about you. Sometimes about it just doesn't seem quite right to me.

I have talked to her about my attachment for her and how I hate it when I am away from her. She says its normal because she has given me a motherly type of relationship that no one else has before. That I feel safe and accepted with her so I want to be around her all the time.

That is the iunhealthy part. It is normal to be attached to a T to an extent, but what she is doing is breeding over-dependence, a T is not suppose to make you dependent on her to the point where you can not leave her. A T is not suppose to meet with a client frequently outside the office. They are especially not suppose to go shopping with you. Some T's touch but the kind of touching she does, like playing with your hair is not normal. What's a 'normal' touch in therapy is holding of a hand or a hug. Rarely holding.

The fact that you are seeing her 4-5 times a week and still crying when you are apart, also shows the unhealthy part of this relationship. It's one thing to miss your T between week apart sessions, but not this. She is harming you doing all of this, I know it's hard to see when you enjoy it (Just like eating ice cream so much until you keel over with a heart attack, it tastes good but it's really killing you). She could lose her license for this.

And she knows what she is doing is wrong. She obviously has her own issues and she's projecting them onto you, countertransference out of control. She does know it's wrong, she is trained on ethics, and boundaries and what she should and shouldn't do and what is appropriate and what is not.

Hell, I'm in school to be a T, and i'm only in my second year and we've been taught ethics, boundaries, etc a million times. Find yourself another T--trust me this can only end up with pain. Think of it though she can't be your T forever. I had a T like this and I was ruined. To this day it's hard for me to trust my current T, and I was completely traumatized by it. So much so that I disassociate when having to talk about it with T.

But she promised. She promised she would never leave me. She has said before she knows what it would do to me if she left me.

She should never have made that promise, eventually you will terminate with this T, it's the process of therapy. The fact that she promised that makes my hair stand on end. She is not healthy and she needs to seek her own counselling. That T is no good for you. She isn't suppose to make you dependent, and she has. Your T is suppose to teach you coping mechanisms and how to stand on your own two feet basically, she isn't suppose to be there forever and ever. She isn't supposed to be your friend, or anything.

It's like a normal doctor, you have cancer, let's say. You go in and form a relationship with this doctor, as a client to get better. You go through the process knowing one day you'll get better and not see the doctor anymore. So you get better, thank the doctor and go, cause you no longer need him. Maybe you pass him in the grocery store etc, but you know what I mean. That's what therapy is supposed to be like. Not to say that maybe a few years pass and something sends you back to therapy, that happens sometimes but therapy isn't suppose to last for your life.

I can totally see why this is healing for you Sweetsurrender, she is reparenting you and if she continues to do this for you until you essentially "grow up in therapy" then that is awesome for you. You being tearful in between sessions is essentially just a phase that you will grow out of. What she is doing is likely to be unethical and maybe even unlawful depending on your state law. The part that is potentially damaging to you is if she were to end it before you're ready. There's lots of people on this board who have been hurt by boundary breaking therapists so your therapist is going to be slayed on here!
There's a million reasons why a therapist shouldn't do what yours is doing, but maybe if she is doing " limited reparenting" or something similar rather than just filling her own needs or having bad boundaries then it might not be unethical.

I really don't think she would ever do anything to intentionally hurt me. I think she is doing this because we both trust each other and have developed a strong bond over the past few years. I just wanted others opinions, because I have been told before to get away, but I feel in my heart that she is totally 100% real with me and god sent.

I think she is amazing and would do anything for her and recommend her to anyone. I don't want anyone to think bad of her. I could see how this all seems really unethical, but you don't understand the things we have been through. I have opened up to her about things I have never ever told anyone before. We have a very open line of communication.

I know therapy has boundaries, but they can be more like guidelines. I mean its not like I go have sleepovers at her house. And if its helping and she trusts me enough to give these things to me, then why not?

Your attachment is normal, her boundaries are not. This sounds really concerning to me: the frequency with which you see each other, shopping, eating out together, significant physical affection... This definitely crosses the line of appropriate client-therapist interaction.

Whatever your diagnosis or your issues, you need a therapist who is your therapist not your friend. She is using you to feel loved, to handle her loneliness, to feel popular, to feel like a good T or to fulfil some other need that is not a client's job to fulfil. It's increasing your dependence on an unhealthy, unstable person who isn't strong enough to hold you and who isn't helping you learn to form healthy relationships with others. I don't think she's intentionally trying to hurt you, she probably likes you a great deal but her lack of skill will end up hurting you.

If you need to verify this with someone authoritative, you can (anonymously) call her professional association/licensing body and describe to them what you have described here and ask them whether this behaviour falls within their code of professional conduct.

What kind of therapy does she offer to you sweetsurrender? Like is she psychodynamic or humanistic or CBT etc

psychotherapy

do you mean psychodynamic?

I really don't know

At the beginning, did she ever talk to you about how she does therapy?