[Daeva]

So I go in and sit down and she already is looking worried and concerned there's a specific tone of her voice she uses when she is super worried. She's very soft when she is truly overly worried. Anyway she goes, "Tell me what's been going on." She saw me at St Mary's that night, just in passing. So I told her what happened, how I was having flashbacks (She didn't ask for details just what sent me into the flashbacks). So then I told her about how I was drinking and popping my meds, and how I SI'd again. And I told her everything, even what I had been lying by omission about. Since early november I've been basically overdosing on my sleeping meds to knock myself out for a day or two.

She leaned forward and her eyes had a look of compassion in them I have only seen once before. She asked what she could do for me, where we should proceed, what could we do. I offered pitiful responses because I really do not know at all. I could tell she wanted to reach out to me. She then leaned back and goes, "I feel like you need more support than I can give you. You need someone who can be more available to you. Especially over break. How would you feel if I transferred you out to someone else in the counselling center in your town?"

MY HEART FROZE. My anxiety sky rocketed, I froze. She didn't want me anymore, I had no fear that she meant it to be supportive, she truly meant she felt someone else could help me better but it still was a kick in the heart. I didn't speak for a while then she told me I needed to consider it as a possibility. And I said No. I didn't want to see anyone else, I wanted to see her and that's it. But she's worried about transportation and stuff. And is still thinking of it. Even though I said, "How do I feel about that? Well step on some rusty nails barefoot then walk on coals and drink napalm, and that's almost equivalent to how I feel about a new Therapist."

So we had to explore different avenues, and she asked about my living arrangements since I have no place to go in January (And I live in a cold winter state it's already below freezing!), so I told her my mom had recinded her offer. And I would be homeless. So she goes "I may be able to help you." And she took out a SPOA application, and asked how I'd feel about a residential setting. She explained it to me, and said that they'd give me transportation to see me. So I said yes and we filled out the application together, I signed. Then she made a few phone calls for me, and is using her connections cause she use to work at this residential home that she wants me to go to because the staff hasn't changed and apparently it's really good. So she's really going to bat for me and I appreciate that no one has done that for me before.

She was so concerned that she even set up another appointment with me this week on Thursday at 12:30-1:30. Where we will get into DBT, and hopefully talk about my CSA. Tough session, however the whole transfer to another therapist is still a possibility and my heart is not thawed yet. UGH.

At least she's being very compassionate and caring and she IS doing this for what she thinks is best for me.

[unaluna]

This sounds comforting. Im looking for warmth today.