[purplemystery]

Guys, I'm kind of freaking out...

I told my T that I want to be a T yesterday, and I outright asked her if she had an opinion about it. I was interested in seeing what she thought because she knows my internal world better than anyone. Well, she kind of skirted the question and said that she would support me in anything I choose, even if I wanted to become a landscaper (unconditional positive regard). She said she thinks I should pursue what I want.

However, she said that as a T, she obviously does have opinions about who should and shouldn't go into the field. But she said she didn't think it was useful for me to know, just as it's not useful for me to know her opinions about other things. My T does have strong boundaries, and she seemed like she didn't want to talk about this because she said it was getting into more guidance counseling territory, which wasn't what she was there for.

I'm terrified she thinks I wouldn't make a good T, and that's why she's not sharing her opinion. I wish she would have told me what she really thought because I think it would be useful input. I do have some self-doubts about my abilities, and I'd like to know how others perceive both my strengths and weaknesses. It would honestly devastate me to know if her opinion was negative, but I feel so embarrassed seeing her now, not knowing if she secretly thinks I'd be incompetent and is judging me for wanting to be a T.

I feel like this relationship is so fake again...

What do you think I should do, since she doesn't seem to want to share her opinion? Do you think it sounds like her opinion is negative? Wouldn't she share it otherwise?

[rainboots87]

I think my former T would probably answer the same way, regardless of what she thought. I remember one time I was super upset about something and I was assuming things about her actions that I couldn't really know. She helped me explore alternate possiilities, then outright said that she knew why X happened, but that she wouldn't tell me. Because it wouldn't help me. I wouldn't stress about it. I would explore whether YOU think you'd want to pursue this and if you're ready. If you're not ready, what would it take to get there? That's more important than her opinion, honestly.

[anilam]

Yeah, I actually thought about you reading SP's post... I'm sorry she didn't. My mind would immediately go to it's-negative-so-she-doesn't-want-to-tell-me too. However, I think Ts got it different- they should tell clients things that will upset them if they think the clients will benefit from them. It's not about sparing our feelings (as a friend might). Therapy should help us reach our goals. So I truly believe that she meant it when she said (she thinks) it's not important. Though she's entitled to keep it to herself I'd still bring it up again, explain why you'd want to know (specifics) and that it makes you feel she just doesn't want to say no/disappoint you.

[unaluna]

Where are you in school and age? It may be a matter of not wanting to appear to influence you? This is kind of different from shrinkpatient's situation - i dont want you to think we're saying yay her and boo you, because that is not the case. You are wanting your t's opinion, almost as if you need it to finalize your decision? Whereas i got the impression SP had already made the decision, just didnt want to tell her t about it - more of a nice to have. So to me, the emphasis on the other situation was in talking about it; the emphasis in this situation is not in talking about it with t but in choosing a career path, and so i can see where she says thats more guidance counselor territory. Not whether you would be good at it, but what area of psych what you be best at?

[purplemystery]

Thanks rainboots87, I see that you're right that the logic is there not to tell me her opinion. Especially since she knows I would take it to heart either way, and she probably wants me to make my own decisions.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by anilam

Yeah, I actually thought about you reading SP's post... I'm sorry she didn't. My mind would immediately go to it's-negative-so-she-doesn't-want-to-tell-me too. However, I think Ts got it different- they should tell clients things that will upset them if they think the clients will benefit from them. It's not about sparing our feelings (as a friend might). Therapy should help us reach our goals. So I truly believe that she meant it when she said (she thinks) it's not important. Though she's entitled to keep it to herself I'd still bring it up again, explain why you'd want to know (specifics) and that it makes you feel she just doesn't want to say no/disappoint you.

Aw, thanks anilam. I agree that I think Ts should say negative things if the client would benefit. Which is sort of why I wanted her honesty. I think it's important for me to know. Obviously I'm not perfect, and I haven't had formal training yet. So I see what you're saying- she does tell me the hard-to-swallow stuff, so maybe this isn't one of those occasions. I might have to bring it up again though. Thanks for your input!

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by hankster

Where are you in school and age? It may be a matter of not wanting to appear to influence you? This is kind of different from shrinkpatient's situation - i dont want you to think we're saying yay her and boo you, because that is not the case. You are wanting your t's opinion, almost as if you need it to finalize your decision? Whereas i got the impression SP had already made the decision, just didnt want to tell her t about it - more of a nice to have. So to me, the emphasis on the other situation was in talking about it; the emphasis in this situation is not in talking about it with t but in choosing a career path, and so i can see where she says thats more guidance counselor territory. Not whether you would be good at it, but what area of psych what you be best at?

I'm a Senior undergrad, age 21. Hmm, you're on track there. I am fairly sure this is what I want, but I'm not super sure like ShrinkPatient. Part of it is that I feel too young? I was looking for her approval or disapproval, but not to actually help me decide. I think I've decided, but it's one of those cases where I say to myself "I think I can" and not "I am confident that I am meant for this." Thanks for your comment hankster!

[CantExplain]

I think a T could be more helpful even if she doesn't offer an opinion. For example, she could ask you what qualities a T should have, and then ask you if you think you have those qualities. She could even go so far as to say what she thinks a good T should be like, and leave it to you to decide whether you have what it takes.

[growlycat]

Here's another possibility…

She may think that in this moment you have issues that would hinder your ability as a T BUT she believes that with work, you could be just fine as a T at some point.

OR she is concerned that your wanting to be a T is a temporary phase but wants to withhold her opinion to see how you develop this on your own.

She may have doubts, but maybe feels they can be overcome with work?

Follow your bliss!

[skysblue]

I think a therapist would be very cautious about saying anything that could influence a person's decision about a career. My T doesn't give advice so I'd say an opinion like what you'd like probably would seem like advice.

She was very wise not to say too much one way or the other. You will have plenty of time to decide for yourself if this career choice is right for you. Your professors will be giving you the most helpful feedback. I don't think it's necessarily appropriate for our T's to be doing that.

Try to relax. Focus on your therapy. Focus on your studies. You'll see clearly soon enough. And, also, I'd say anyone in their right mind should have self-doubts. That is honesty and honesty is refreshing.

Sometimes too much self-confidence could be translated into a bit of arrogance and I sure would never want to work with a therapist who had never doubted themselves.

Good luck.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I think a T could be more helpful even if she doesn't offer an opinion. For example, she could ask you what qualities a T should have, and then ask you if you think you have those qualities. She could even go so far as to say what she thinks a good T should be like, and leave it to you to decide whether you have what it takes.

Thanks CantExplain, I think you're right. She kind of just dismissed the conversation and could have taken it other places. I'm pretty much thinking that it's because she doesn't think I have the right qualities now...

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Here's another possibility…

She may think that in this moment you have issues that would hinder your ability as a T BUT she believes that with work, you could be just fine as a T at some point.

OR she is concerned that your wanting to be a T is a temporary phase but wants to withhold her opinion to see how you develop this on your own.

She may have doubts, but maybe feels they can be overcome with work?

Follow your bliss!

Thanks growlycat, I think either of those are good guesses. It hurts a lot to think that she doesn't feel I have it. I feel very uncomfortable now and like I just want to cancel my next appointment. I suddenly feel like this means she might care about me less, like she'll be judging me as one of those future Ts that she looks down on and is annoyed with in her profession.

I think she might feel this way not because I'm unstable, I'm confident about that. It's more because I am not very assertive at all, and people walk all over me. I'm not totally sure I could handle telling clients what they don't want to hear, which I know is an important part of the job. But at the same time I think I would be able to step up to the plate in a professional setting. I am young, and I hope to be able to learn these skills in the program that I go to.

But now I'm wondering if it's possible for me to develop these skills. And where does that leave me? This is what I want to do.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I think a therapist would be very cautious about saying anything that could influence a person's decision about a career. My T doesn't give advice so I'd say an opinion like what you'd like probably would seem like advice.

She was very wise not to say too much one way or the other. You will have plenty of time to decide for yourself if this career choice is right for you. Your professors will be giving you the most helpful feedback. I don't think it's necessarily appropriate for our T's to be doing that.

Try to relax. Focus on your therapy. Focus on your studies. You'll see clearly soon enough. And, also, I'd say anyone in their right mind should have self-doubts. That is honesty and honesty is refreshing.

Sometimes too much self-confidence could be translated into a bit of arrogance and I sure would never want to work with a therapist who had never doubted themselves.

Good luck.

Thank you so much, skysblue. I do see what you mean about it not being appropriate to have a T evaluating your abilities. Maybe I'm getting carried away in worrying about what she thinks. I think I need to do some serious soul-searching to figure things out.

[ready2makenice]

Honestly I've also expressed in the past,that I wanted to be a child psychologist. My T basically told me,that where I was right now in my life,that maybe it wasn't best. (not the exact words) (she tried not giving advice) I thought she was right,how could I care and be there for other people,when I could barely take care of myself at the moment. She didn't discourage me,just made me think for a moment (I'm going to be some kind of doctor regardless)

How do you believe it would have benefited you by knowing what she thought? At the end of the day,its your decision whether you want or not,not trying to be mean here,just trying to let you see,that regardless,whether you liked her answer or not,it shouldn't really matter.

Not necessarily that she would share her thoughts if they were positive (not saying they are negative) but T don't want to be the ones making those types of decisions for you,they want us to be more assertive in our own lives

I think she was trying to spare your feelings,maybe even thought that she would've been caught in a "damned if you do,damned if you don't situation" my T tends to be pretty vague at times and it def. becomes frustrating

Good Luck

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I think I need to do some serious soul-searching to figure things out.

If you're thinking you need to figure out your career right now, I'd say you're jumping the gun. Why not continue with your studies and learn all you can? It takes time to gain skills and knowledge. If we knew things before we even began studying, what would be the point of the study?

If you're interested in this career, give the studies a chance. You'll not be wasting your time whatever you end up deciding. Education is useful with whatever we end up doing with our lives.

Go forth and don't worry so much about it. As time goes on, you'll gain the self-confidence simply by having more experience. And that self-confidence will guide you in your future decision-making.

[Lauliza]

I think Ts in general won't give direct advice to influence a major life decision. And given that you're so young she really doesn't know if you'll be good or not and it isn't her place to say. She only is there to help you reach your full potential.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[learning1]

I think it really could be difficult for your t to have a strong opinion because it's a complicated decision. For example, she's probably not the best one to evaluate your academic qualifications. Ability to write papers and do well enough academically might not be the most important thing for a practicing therapist but it does matter for getting a graduate degree and for expressing that you understand the concepts you learn. Also, there are many kinds of therapists that need different skills. If you became a social worker, you'd need to have an interest and ability to learn about social issues on a larger scale than the individual. Since you didn't express concern about your academic abilities, maybe you have good reason to be confident in your academic abilities. If you get at least okay grades (maybe a B average?) as an undergraduate, I'm sure you could find a program that you can handle academically to become some type of therapist, but your career guidance counselor would probably know a lot more about how to help you figure that out. When I wrote B average there it occurred to me I don't know what country you live in. I'm in the US and so the specifics of my post might be irrelevant if you're in another country, since the types of degrees and grades and licensing for therapists are probably all different if you're in another country.

Anyway, the last reason I thought your therapist might really not know is the reason you said, that you're young and still developing assertiveness skills. I think the fact that you're aware of it at your age and that it is the kind of skill I think people commonly improve on suggests that there's a good chance you'll be able to improve on it so that you could become a therapist. But do you think it's best to go directly to graduate school to become some type of therapist, or would you feel more confident if you got some work experience under your belt first? Maybe some type of social service job that would be relevant to being a social worker or therapist? Maybe do some volunteer counseling on a hotline? I think the training for those hotline jobs and the practice can be confidence building. Anyway, these all seem like complexities that the career counselor could help sort out, and they might not be appropriate for your t, or she might feel that she just doesn't have the knowledge that a career counselor would have about all of the many options.

[purplemystery]

ready2makenice- Sorry your T said she didn't think you were ready. It's tough to hear that sort of thing, but like you, I'm starting to think that this was good and it made me think. I was always a little worried about my abilities, and this made me acknowledge that there are things I will need to work on. I think that with training and hard work, I can do this. But I will start trying to work on those everyday skills such as assertiveness with people in my own life. You're right that it's not her decision, and honestly if she were to give me advice it would heavily affect me because I care about her opinion so much. So it was probably best that she didn't share her opinion either way so that I can be sure this is what I want.

skysblue- Thanks, you made me feel a little more confident. I'm not yet in grad school and haven't had the training, so of course I don't have all the skills I need yet. And going to school will help me no matter what. *If* I decide I don't want to be a therapist, I can still find a career in Psychology helping others in some other way.

amee200- This is how my T sees it, I believe. It's probably how she would have phrased it if she said it differently. Thanks, this made me remember what she's here for.

learning1- In terms of grades, I do very well and am kind of a nerd in that respect, which my T knows. So she wouldn't be worried about that, but that was a good point nevertheless. I agree that my T probably can't be sure since I'm fairly young. I hope this is what she's thinking at least, and that she hasn't completely written me off the career. I don't know that she has a negative opinion, but I do wish that my T would believe I could do it, even if she doesn't think I'm ready yet. Thank you so much for the helpful suggestions. I am thinking about getting a job first for awhile. It's possible that it would help build my confidence. I have already tried to volunteer at a suicide hotline, and it did help a bit too. I might go back to that as well.

[elliemay]

I think you have a great therapist there. She might now how much you value her opinion and might even let it sway your career choices.

She's staying out of it so you can shape your own life. Awesome.

He statement that she would support you in anything is, to me, worth far more than any endorsement either way of you becoming a therapist. Far far more.

I understand that you may have doubts (who doesn't!) but I think your therapist is really doing right by you here.

Good luck in your pursuits.

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Guys, I'm kind of freaking out...

I'm terrified she thinks I wouldn't make a good T, and that's why she's not sharing her opinion.

PM
I feel really badly that I'm gushing everywhere and you are freaking out. I actually wish I hadn't posted.
Rest assured, from what I've read, our situations are pretty different. I am completely sure being a t is what I'm supposed to do. I actually spent months not telling anyone (including my H) that psychology was my direction. I kept it to myself because I was heavily influenced the last time I chose a career path. I became a dental hygienist because everyone seem to think I should. My H's mother and sister both spent their careers in the dental field. I was convinced that I could be "happy enough" following their footsteps. I was tremendously wrong. Looking back, I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. This time, I wanted to make sure that I chose what was right for me based on my thoughts and feelings, not anyone else's. Also, my T is aware of my academic record and accomplishments. If that's not enough, I'm 38 years old (I can't believe I just admitted that in a public post. I'm not in the least young and impressionable anymore. If my T had had negative feedback for me, it wouldn't have changed my mind. I was worried that her opinion might change our relationship, not my career path. If she had questioned my decision, I would have thought that she and I aren't as attuned as I thought.the fact that she knew just shows me how attuned we are. Maybe more then I thought. I haven't asked her how she knew yet. I was too stunned that she knew to wonder how. I'm going to ask though.
From my perspective, it looks like your T has several reasons not to give her opinion. I'm sure she will support you if you decide this is the right path for you. Speaking from experience, you'll probably gain a lot of confidence in yourself and your decisions without her or anyone's input. You know yourself better then anyone else does. No matter what you decide to become, go after it with everything you have. Believe in yourself and know that when you get where you're going, you'll be ready to be there. I don't know you but I tend to have faith in people who have faith in themselves and if you believe this is the right thing for you, I'm sure you'll be a great T.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by ShrinkPatient

PM
I feel really badly that I'm gushing everywhere and you are freaking out. I actually wish I hadn't posted.
Rest assured, from what I've read, our situations are pretty different. I am completely sure being a t is what I'm supposed to do. I actually spent months not telling anyone (including my H) that psychology was my direction. I kept it to myself because I was heavily influenced the last time I chose a career path. I became a dental hygienist because everyone seem to think I should. My H's mother and sister both spent their careers in the dental field. I was convinced that I could be "happy enough" following their footsteps. I was tremendously wrong. Looking back, I knew it wasn't what I wanted to do. This time, I wanted to make sure that I chose what was right for me based on my thoughts and feelings, not anyone else's. Also, my T is aware of my academic record and accomplishments. If that's not enough, I'm 38 years old (I can't believe I just admitted that in a public post. I'm not in the least young and impressionable anymore. If my T had had negative feedback for me, it wouldn't have changed my mind. I was worried that her opinion might change our relationship, not my career path. If she had questioned my decision, I would have thought that she and I aren't as attuned as I thought.the fact that she knew just shows me how attuned we are. Maybe more then I thought. I haven't asked her how she knew yet. I was too stunned that she knew to wonder how. I'm going to ask though.
From my perspective, it looks like your T has several reasons not to give her opinion. I'm sure she will support you if you decide this is the right path for you. Speaking from experience, you'll probably gain a lot of confidence in yourself and your decisions without her or anyone's input. You know yourself better then anyone else does. No matter what you decide to become, go after it with everything you have. Believe in yourself and know that when you get where you're going, you'll be ready to be there. I don't know you but I tend to have faith in people who have faith in themselves and if you believe this is the right thing for you, I'm sure you'll be a great T.

Oh no, please don't feel bad at all!! I'm really sorry my post made you feel that way, it wasn't my intent. You should celebrate and gush and share this with your friends on PC because this is amazing that you are taking such a huge step and starting a completely new career. I admire your courage for giving up dentistry and enthusiasm for being a T, and I'm so happy you've found the right path! You have modeled for me how excited I want to allow myself to get instead of feeling full of doubt. And I'm glad your T was supportive and happy for you, especially since it was so difficult for you to bring up. It sounds like you're ready to "set the world on fire" so to speak, and your T's support only amplified this. She confirmed for you just how attuned the two of you are, and that is something to celebrate in your life, so again, I'm sorry!

I'm feeling a lot better about the whole situation after processing it last night. And you're right that our situations are different, and we're at different stages. I need to decide for myself if it's what I want to do, and I'm responsible for believing in me. Thanks for inspiring me ShrinkPatient! I will spend my winter break imagining myself in the T role and start to increase my belief in myself.

Best of luck in your schooling.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I think you have a great therapist there. She might now how much you value her opinion and might even let it sway your career choices.

She's staying out of it so you can shape your own life. Awesome.

He statement that she would support you in anything is, to me, worth far more than any endorsement either way of you becoming a therapist. Far far more.

I understand that you may have doubts (who doesn't!) but I think your therapist is really doing right by you here.

Good luck in your pursuits.

Thanks elliemay, I'm starting to see more clearly why she made this decision. It is true that I care about her opinion too much, and I'm sure she knows this. I will try to see the positive side of what she did say.

Thank you so much!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

But she said she didn't think it was useful for me to know, just as it's not useful for me to know her opinions about other things. My T does have strong boundaries, and she seemed like she didn't want to talk about this because she said it was getting into more guidance counseling territory, which wasn't what she was there for.

I'm terrified she thinks I wouldn't make a good T, and that's why she's not sharing her opinion.

I would try not to let my desire to know T thinks well of me to get in the way of what I am in therapy to learn? T cannot have any better/worse idea of whether you will make a good T than you have since you have not tried it yet? All that is there is a personal opinion based on how you are now, when now you are not a T?

[purplemystery]

Perna- Yeah, sometimes I care so much about our relationship that I forget that that is not the only part of therapy. I am there to learn important skills too. And thanks, that's true- she can't know for sure and neither can I.

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Oh no, please don't feel bad at all!! I'm really sorry my post made you feel that way, it wasn't my intent. You should celebrate and gush and share this with your friends on PC because this is amazing that you are taking such a huge step and starting a completely new career. I admire your courage for giving up dentistry and enthusiasm for being a T, and I'm so happy you've found the right path! You have modeled for me how excited I want to allow myself to get instead of feeling full of doubt. And I'm glad your T was supportive and happy for you, especially since it was so difficult for you to bring up. It sounds like you're ready to "set the world on fire" so to speak, and your T's support only amplified this. She confirmed for you just how attuned the two of you are, and that is something to celebrate in your life, so again, I'm sorry!


I'm feeling a lot better about the whole situation after processing it last night. And you're right that our situations are different, and we're at different stages. I need to decide for myself if it's what I want to do, and I'm responsible for believing in me. Thanks for inspiring me ShrinkPatient! I will spend my winter break imagining myself in the T role and start to increase my belief in myself.


Best of luck in your schooling.

I like to think of myself as someone who is sensitive to the feelings of others. I wasn't thinking when I posted at that is what I regret.
I'm really glad you are feeling better about the situation. Sometimes I wonder if Ts think about just how much what they say and what they don't say affects us. I get upset about things my T says sometimes too. I have a tendency to put everything she says in the worse possible light. I am so analytical it not funny.
Thank you for all the kind words you wrote about me. you are very kind. If my words truly made you feel better, I can't express how happy that makes me. I just know you're going to figure this out.
Thank you so much!!!