Dr. Neutral-that's my new nickname for T.

I never had a T who was so neutral. He's empathetic, accepting and understanding, but I'm not sure when I'll get used to his objectiveness. He also has a good sense of humor.

Last T had stronger affect and offered more feelings and opinions. There was playfulness too. And a strong bond.

There's also something else that I can't yet put into words. I think it's lack of connection, but I'm not sure yet. I plan on talking to him about this but am not able to think of too many descriptive words right now.

Anyone else have a T who is more on the neutral side? I also wonder how much of it is me. I think I'm going to talk to my former T about this as well as soon as an appropriate opportunity arises.

[Bill3]

My T is close to neutral. I think that a good bit of it is me.

[archipelago]

I had a neutral analyst once. It was partly his approach to things and partly his reserved British personality. We worked hard together and got very close but in the end that blankness that I felt ended up feeling like abandonment or the void I felt inside just relaying like a hall of mirrors with no reflection.

I had an impasse. Brought in two colleagues of his, who were also analysts. We tried to work it out, but when I got a bit familiar with one of the consulting analysts, I just had a gut feeling that we would work together better. So I switched. And I now have a great relationship which is totally respectful and professional but also playful and warm. I just needed more activity on the other side.

This is just my experience. Not advice at all. I think there is a breaking in period that I even had with the new guy. It takes a while to develop trust, real trust. And that time is a good thing because it makes it true and reliable.

[CantExplain]

Neutrality can be off-putting. I find it difficult to respect a person who doesn't seem to have any values.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Autumn Skies

Dr. Neutral-that's my new nickname for T.

I never had a T who was so neutral. He's empathetic, accepting and understanding, but I'm not sure when I'll get used to his objectiveness. He also has a good sense of humor.

Last T had stronger affect and offered more feelings and opinions. There was playfulness too. And a strong bond.

There's also something else that I can't yet put into words. I think it's lack of connection, but I'm not sure yet. I plan on talking to him about this but am not able to think of too many descriptive words right now.

Anyone else have a T who is more on the neutral side? I also wonder how much of it is me. I think I'm going to talk to my former T about this as well as soon as an appropriate opportunity arises.

Empathic, accepting and understanding doesn't sound so neutral to me. Could it be that your style with your past T had been to "hook into" the T's affect? I could see where that might feel like a connection, and without that hook, it might feel like more of a void. But it could be that the lack of a hook could turn your attention inward. Sort of like the way a silence can feel distancing or very close. There were many silences with my T in which I felt very connected despite a lack of demonstrated affect on his part.

[elaygee]

By neutral do you mean he is dialectic? That he values both sides of the same coin, making you still feel stuck?

Example:
Client: My mood is so destructive, I need to stop cutting!!!
T: of course, its so bad you need to stop. Its hurting you in more ways than one.
Client: Yes! But it provides relief, so I dont want to stop.
T: of course you dont, it has worked so far to help you cope. Stopping seems impossible.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by elaygee

By neutral do you mean he is dialectic? That he values both sides of the same coin, making you still feel stuck?

Example:
Client: My mood is so destructive, I need to stop cutting!!!
T: of course, its so bad you need to stop. Its hurting you in more ways than one.
Client: Yes! But it provides relief, so I dont want to stop.
T: of course you dont, it has worked so far to help you cope. Stopping seems impossible.

This is the "mirror" technique. It establishes empathy and rapport, and leaves the patient to make up her own mind.

But it can be very frustrating if you actually want advice!

[feralkittymom]

I think it's a bit more than mirroring, but would still make me nuts. I'd either want a CBT-like approach:
Client: My mood is so destructive, I need to stop cutting!!!
T: What prompted you to cut this time? What happened just before you cut?

or a more psychodynamic approach:
Client: My mood is so destructive, I need to stop cutting!!!
T: Does this mood feel familiar? When else have you felt these feelings?

The dialectic approach would feel neutral, but also stagnant to me. I might feel a connection on a personal level to a T working that way, but I think I'd be endlessly frustrated.

I was going to reply that my T is very neutral, but as a matter of fact he isn't. He doesn't get loud or have strong reactions, and his sense of humour is rather quiet and low-key, but he does react to things, he has become rather upset a couple of times about things I've told him (things that I thought were completely normal), he laughs out loud sometimes when I make jokes that take him by surprise, and he offers his opinions. Not that he tells me How Things Are (I get a lot of that at home and T is trying to get me to see that it doesn't have to be like that), but when he really disagrees with me about something he doesn't beat around the bush about it.

Bottom line is, I think, that he is unequivocally on my side, and not at all neutral in that respect, but he is very respectful of me and my opinions, and so he does avoid giving his version of things so as to impose on my own version. If that makes sense.

[Elektra_]

i think i could say mine is.. she has no reactions towards what i say, unless i swear (she doesnt let me), dont think she has any empathy for me. she just does this blank face and asks questions... she doesnt take one side... guess i should figure things alone? who knows..

Thanks for all the replies. I was hesitant to reply just yet as I am not sure about what's going on. Your replies were very helpful, and I have been thinking about them. I think neutral isn't the only or best descriptor here. He does do lots of interpretations, which I suppose would be viewed as 'opinions'?

FKM, could you explain that more to me? I, too, have felt very connected with last T during silences. It doesn't seem like he expresses very much emotion at all, yet, he does answer all the questions about him that I have asked, even emotional questions. Emotional answers but no emotional responses. Maybe it's like Archipelago said, that it takes time.

What's a little strange is that I don't feel transference with him at all, while I did intensely with last T. At least the first 6 months or year. So, I'm thinking it could be that I shut my needs off, if anyone understands what I mean. Bill, could that be related to what you said? That sort of scares me to think about.

He is a very likable guy and he is helping me. I am just sad about the lack of connection. Yes, I think maybe that's what it is. I will talk to him about this. Would also love to hear more thoughts about this if anyone is up for it.

[CantExplain]

For me, lack of connection indicated one of two things:
a) I was holding something back, eg anger at T
b) I felt I wasn't being heard.

[growlithing]

I have two Ts. Well actually three if you consider the one I'm taking an enforced break from. The one that I've been whining about on here a lot recently is extremely not neutral. She is very playful, has a very colorful personality, and is extremely warm. This is great, but admittedly has some downsides. She can accidentally step on me a little bit. We'll get into a back and forth (not necessarily fighting) and she will sometimes get so impassioned with what she is saying that she talks over me. It's okay because 1) I've been with her from 9-5 everyday for the past two months and the times she has done this very infrequently, 2) I don't let her run over me and I will flat up tell her to shut up and listen. It is also difficult because it gives me much more to attach to. You don't love someone for knowing them. You love them for the little things and the larger than life personality she has gives me a lot of things to love/hate/cling to probably too hard. Also, because she is so vibrant, I can pick up on her having a bad day IMMEDIATELY and figure out how to make it my fault.

My other T is much MUCH more neutral. There are benefits to that and negatives to that as well. I like having a very professional and objective outside opinion, but I get absolutely no sense or a very little sense of being cared for while that isn't the case with my other T.

[feralkittymom]

What's a little strange is that I don't feel transference with him at all, while I did intensely with last T. At least the first 6 months or year. So, I'm thinking it could be that I shut my needs off, if anyone understands what I mean.

Could it be that it isn't a lack of emotional bond that you feel, but the lack of a heightened transference bond? That by comparison to that heightened feeling, this interaction feels flat? I don't know if it's because you shut the needs off, or simply don't have them anymore, or that the way of connecting doesn't facilitate them.

I know that there were periods of my therapy that felt "charged" by transference. It was an intensity that wasn't negative, even when painful, that lent an aliveness to the sessions--even extending into silences. The connection I've felt since resolving the transference is not charged, yet the bond is deeper and more poignant.

How long have you been seeing this T?

Originally Posted by growlithing

She is very playful, has a very colorful personality, and is extremely warm.

I've always pictured your T that way, and vibrant and personable.
Thanks for sharing.

[someone321]

Oh, I thought that all Ts are rather neutral... Mine is... Of course he can laugh or say that he feels sick when I talk about something but he's a pro, he would never give me any advice or be "on my side". He would rather focus on reasons of my behavior than on judging anyone...

Thanks, someone321. I misspoke; I actually meant emotionally neutral but was having trouble describing the issue.

He would rather focus on reasons of my behavior than on judging anyone...

Same here. I don't think I ]could be with a T who was judgmental, even if it were those who harmed me. That is mostly because I don't think you can really make balanced judgments only hearing one side of the story.

How long have you been seeing this T?

Almost 3 months now.

Originally Posted by someone321

Oh, I thought that all Ts are rather neutral... Mine is... Of course he can laugh or say that he feels sick when I talk about something but he's a pro, he would never give me any advice or be "on my side". He would rather focus on reasons of my behavior than on judging anyone...

Oh, I'm sorry if I gave the impression that my T is judging anybody else. He certainly is not - he is completely non-judgmental. I would not stay with a T who was judgmental at all.

[someone321]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Oh, I'm sorry if I gave the impression that my T is judging anybody else. He certainly is not - he is completely non-judgmental. I would not stay with a T who was judgmental at all.

Sorry for misunderstanding, I did not mean any T in particular, it was more general...
On one hand, it would be great if my T said that I am the good one not my abusers or that it was their fault but my T would never say so, rather: hmmm so how do you think, why didn't you fight back?

So he's quite neutral I think, I never know what he thinks if he does not tell me because his face does not show any emotion (except of laughing from time to time)...

[critterlady]

Mine can be judgmental of other people in my life and that's fine with me. I don't want him being neutral about the man who abused me. He's totally on my side, which is where I want him. I see nothing wrong with that.

Now, in other cases, if there is something he thinks I could have handled differently, he has no qualms about telling me. But if he thinks someone else is wrong, he's not reticent about that either.

Thanks FKM. I answered your post before but asked a moderator to delete it because I still can't figure out how to edit my posts (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't....I actually did not want the whole thing deleted)

anyway, I think you are correct in that the transference is gone now, and that without that, it seems kind of flat. To my surprise, I did work through all of this with last T, and even noticed it isn't there with other relationships either.

[someone321]

I've already started hating my T for being so neutral... He mentioned today 5 times that he's neutral, he daid that I pay him 230$ per session for being neutral... Many times he said that I pay him that's why he listens etc... I tried to "force him" to say something not neutral to show any emotion but he alway says that it's not his job and that's not the reason why I pay him...

[stopdog]

HAve you tried a different therapist who is not so neutral? Perhaps either another therapist or another type of therapy would be more useful for you. I had to try out a lot of them before I found one who would stay back for the most part (sometimes I must remind her). I don't want the woman's advice or opinion or sharing with me. I don't want her being anything at my parents or the csa guy. It is mine, not hers. I am all for neutral. But it took awhile to find neutral for me. So it might take a few interviews to find non-neutral if that is more one's style.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by someone321

I've already started hating my T for being so neutral... He mentioned today 5 times that he's neutral, he daid that I pay him 230$ per session for being neutral... Many times he said that I pay him that's why he listens etc... I tried to "force him" to say something not neutral to show any emotion but he alway says that it's not his job and that's not the reason why I pay him...

I don't like a T to harp on about the money.