[rainbow8]

Today was my first one hour session. It seemed like 5 minutes, but I have to get used to it, as this is what I will have as long as I continue to see her. I remember how frustrated I always was with other Ts when I had the "normal" time for a session. I have to use my time wisely.

So, my head was spinning with lots of stuff so I couldn't reallly "see" her. I had emailed that I hated when I do that in a session and it's one reason for feeling so bad after a lot of my sessions. She wanted me to slow down, and for us to have a dialogue.

At one point she pointed out that I suddenly stopped to pick up a piece of apple she had brought for us to eat. That movement at that time cut her off in the middle of a sentence and she said I do that a lot. I don't mean eat apple, of course, I mean that I stop people from talking, and it causes me to lose the connection.

I said that I didn't want to hear what she had to say because I wouldn't like it. She wants me to be aware of when I do this with people in my life.

She suggested journaling, not online, instead of emailing her, that I just try it this week. I need to rely on myself, not on her. I can bring in what I journal to talk about. For 4 years she told me I could bring in my emails, but we never had enough time to talk about them.

So I'm going to try journaling and not emailing her.

We also talked about boundaries, and my driving by her house, that I didn't think of her feelings, only mine. I know that's what some of you have been telling me. She asked what DBT skills I could use when I want to do something that part of me knows is wrong, like crossing a boundary. I'm not really sure which skills to use.

Therapy is hard for me now, because I have to start letting go of my T, and I don't want to.

[CantExplain]

Madame T said I pushed people away. I don't know if I'm cured of that or not.

[Wren_]

((((Rain)))) I thought you still had another few 90 min sessions before you began the 60's that would be a very big change I hope your T will help you with adjusting to this .. and I'm glad she has suggested the journaling; have you done any of that before? are you aware of times like with the apple as being a defense mechanism or are you unaware of it?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

((((Rain)))) I thought you still had another few 90 min sessions before you began the 60's that would be a very big change I hope your T will help you with adjusting to this .. and I'm glad she has suggested the journaling; have you done any of that before? are you aware of times like with the apple as being a defense mechanism or are you unaware of it?

T and I realized last week that insurance stopped paying her for the extra half an hour, and we don't know when. I noticed it on my paperwork and told her about it. So I told her that it wasn't fair for me to see her that long if they're not paying her! My next session is December 31st, and she wanted it to be 1 hour anyway. In January I start seeing her twice/month. Yes, it's a big change.

I used to journal all the time; I have many therapy journals from my first years of therapy. Of course there was no internet then so I didn't have a choice! I've journaled sometimes, since then, but my hand gets tired.

I'm not so aware of my interrupting and not listening to other people, but they all tell me I do it, so I know I do. I started a thread about interrupting people last year sometime. With my T, I feel like I want to get to what's important, and I'm afraid I won't. I also get scared when I slow down and listen to her because it means I'm looking at her, and she's looking at me. After almost 4 years I shouldn't be self-conscious like that, but I am. It's probably something like that with other people too. There's more than one reason.

So, to answer your question, I wasn't aware of what I was doing today in the session, when I took the apple. T brought a honey crisp apple because she introduced me to them a couple of weeks ago, and we both like them. It must have been subconscious that I reached for the apple at that moment when she was trying to tell me something important.

CantExplain: thanks for the hug!

[Daeva]

I know it's hard, but it is for the best. T is trying to make you more independent; and I'm sure you know this, but it is also very frightening, I can imagine how you must feel thinking she may be abandoning you, that you can't manage without her. Perhaps? Correct me if I'm wrong, I don't want to assume anything.

But I think this is a sign that your T believes in you and that you're strong--which is a compliment. However when my T does this to me I want to curl up and be like 'no I'm weak I need you!"

[Syra]

I'd have a hard time getting used to a change in my therapy that was imposed by somthing other than what I thought I needed.

It's sounding like you really trust your T, and your T trusts you. Is it like that?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Syra

I'd have a hard time getting used to a change in my therapy that was imposed by somthing other than what I thought I needed.

It's sounding like you really trust your T, and your T trusts you. Is it like that?

The way it is with me is that I'd NEVER want to cut down or terminate therapy, especially with my current T. I'd just want to keep going until one of us moves away or dies. Since I can't afford that, I need to cut down on sessions and quit, or maybe see her once/month in the future. Yes, I trust my T and she trusts me. I am grateful that she still trusts me even though I crossed her boundaries by driving past her house. We have a very good relationship, built on honesty. What I want isn't what I need. I want to see her weekly forever. It is what it is. Not that I like the reality. I hate it!

[Syra]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

The way it is with me is that I'd NEVER want to cut down or terminate therapy, especially with my current T. I'd just want to keep going until one of us moves away or dies. Since I can't afford that, I need to cut down on sessions and quit, or maybe see her once/month in the future. Yes, I trust my T and she trusts me. I am grateful that she still trusts me even though I crossed her boundaries by driving past her house. We have a very good relationship, built on honesty. What I want isn't what I need. I want to see her weekly forever. It is what it is. Not that I like the reality. I hate it!

I could write the same thing. I don't want to go to therapy forever, but I've been through so much with my T I'll hate to have it end. It's a special kind of relationship