I was in therapy for several years (7) and I asked my therapist A LOT if he thought I was too damaged to ever heal and he always kindly reassured me that as long as I had hope and didn't give up he wouldn't either. Well, he gave up. So if someone who had hope for you and thought you could heal changes their mind how do you EVER find hope for yourself again? I truly believe I am beyond help and hope. I am doomed to live my life broken and damaged. I am very sad about this and so lost. And SO SO alone.

[jadedbutterfly]

your T gave up... did he tell you that you were "too damaged to ever heal" ?

I asked him if he thought that and he wouldn't answer me. So I just assumed that he meant I'm too far gone.

[jadedbutterfly]

How awful for a T to do that. Have you considered trying out a new T.... it might be help

Maybe I have the wrong person mixed up with the wrong story...but I thought he told you that you had to bring your H into your next session or not to come back?

I think people have different definitions of "healed"... if you mean can you turn back the clock and have it like all the bad things never happened to you.. well if that is what you are looking for then no one can be "healed".... but you can accept what has happened...mourn the things you didn't get in past and learn how to have a life that you find satisifying... that's what healed would look like to me? What does it look like to you?

Yes, he did tell me he wouldn't see me anymore if I didn't bring my husband in and he knew I wouldn't do that ever so essentially he forced me to stop coming.

I'm not sure what healed would be? That is a good question. Maybe if I could figure that out then I could work to get there on my own. I'm terrified of therapy now.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

Yes, he did tell me he wouldn't see me anymore if I didn't bring my husband in and he knew I wouldn't do that ever so essentially he forced me to stop coming.

I'm not sure that was your therapist's motive in that. Do you really think that?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I'm not sure that was your therapist's motive in that. Do you really think that?

Yeah - i hate to see you leave this whole situation in such a clouded state. But maybe you think that clearing things up would be too painful? IME, it was more painful before, wishing things were different, than it is now, accepting things as they are. And honestly i am the last person i expected ever to admit that.

I do think that he wanted rid of me.

I do think clearing things up would hurt too much.

[Karrebear]

How did your last session end? Did he say something along the lines of not scheduling and appt?

The last session I had with him was fine. It was the day before the next session that he called and decided he wasn't going to see me anymore unless I brought my husband in. So we never had a closing session or anything like that. It was a HUGE shock to me.

[PurplePajamas]

I just wanted to comment on this because I have said the exact same thing to my therapist as well as to the people closest to me- that I feel like I am too damaged, too broken, too screwed to be fixed. I look at other people and want so badly to have more out of my life- to experience love, to have kids, to be close to people, but that despite all the effort I put into healing myself I am still all screwed up.
I'm not sure what the answer is. I think in my case sometimes I get really down on myself and feel sorry for myself and saying that I am "too damaged to be fixed" offers me some kind of comfort.
But really, I think there is hope for us as long as we have hope for ourselves. I think there is hope for everyone. Keep on trying and doing whatever you need to do to heal yourself. I am so sorry for all of the heartache that you've experienced, and I hope that you can hang on to that little bit of hope you have left and keep on trying.

[Lauliza]

I don't think anyone is too damaged to heal. But healing is subjective so I think it depends on what your definition is. Sometimes a T will suggest terminating if they feel that all progress has stopped or that a client doesnt appear to want to put in the work the T thinks is needed. Many years ago I had a T end therapy with me when she felt I wasn't doing the "work" in therapy. Some get frustrated if they feel like you're going in circles. For him to end without at least a closing session seems harsh to me though. Do you know your T's motivation for wanting your husband there?

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[Freewilled]

I don't think I really grasp the concept of doing the work. I don't understand how a T can just decide that a client isn't doing enough so should be terminated. Unless they spell it out point blank "Freewilled, this is what you MUST do or there is nothing I can do to help you. AND this is why I've come to my conclusion...", then I think its B.S. Is it possible that the T just doesn't know what to do? Because if I understood what the work really is, I would do my very best to do it.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I don't think I really grasp the concept of doing the work. I don't understand how a T can just decide that a client isn't doing enough so should be terminated. Unless they spell it out point blank "Freewilled, this is what you MUST do or there is nothing I can do to help you. AND this is why I've come to my conclusion...", then I think its B.S. Is it possible that the T just doesn't know what to do? Because if I understood what the work really is, I would do my very best to do it.

I think the issue with "work" is seen in CBT more than other therapy. There is often some kind of "homework" with each session and if you don't do them the therapy won't do much. It's the same with DBT. But I think it's pretty common for Ts to see patients repeat the same self defeating behaviors over and over. I can imagine it being being very frustrating as a T, but I always thought that was part of the job.

I do think I frustrated him. I do blame myself a lot. I do think a lot of times I did the best I could, but it wasn't enough and I know that. I failed a lot. I can understand his point of view as well. I was so suicidal too I think he saw me as a liability if something happened to me. I don't know. It's so confusing. I let him down and me down as well.

[Onward2wards]

The first things in therapy are to define what's wrong and where you want to be. You need goals for the therapy. If one T can't quite get you there, it's time for another T and/or a different kind of therapy. Console yourself with this thought - you're attempting what many people never do. You are trying your best to apply self-improvement on a level most people never dare to try. Of course it's going to be hard at times, but it's worth it.

[Asiablue]

Your T reached HIS limit. He handled it very very badly and that whole situation is about HIS limitations not yours. Sometimes you need to go round and round in circles and repeat the same old pattern until you get tired of it or decide to try something different. That's just human behaviour, not specifically Roseleigh behaviour.
Every single one of us repeats actions/thoughts/behaviours that aren't good for us and that's why a lot of people end up in therapy. The good thing is, if you're in therapy then it's because you've realised you have unhealthy patterns or need help with things and that makes you a step ahead of a lot of the population who blindly repeat the same misery all their lives.

My suggestion is getting yourself into therapy with someone who will have fresh perspective, a clean slate, and is willing to respect your wishes of who gets involved with your therapy sessions.

2014, new year, new start.

[rainbow8]

[DelusionsDaily]

Roseleigh...

What is your definition of healed? I only ask this because sometimes we set unrealistic expectations for ourselves.

But I too understand the feeling of being too broken to be helped. I'm not sure healed was ever the word that came to mind for me. However, I believe we can all get to a place where life and "being in our skin" is at the very least bearable, if not enjoyable.

I truly believe you could find another T willing to work with you. Before you do that I would make your list of expectations for the new T and when you "interview" each one ask them if they can meet those expectations. Make sure you determine which are non-negotiable. So if they can't for whatever reason meet them all, you at least know which ones you are willing to negotiate even a little on. Also, set forth your goals for therapy in as much detail as possible. For example if you use the word healed: what does that look like to you? as I believe healed would look different to each person. This is the kinda stuff I have been working on in terms of finding a new pdoc and worked on when considering a new T. It just clarifies the relationship expectations and the goals help the T determine if it is something they can help with. Leaves less chance for being let down but doesn't by any means eliminate the chance.

I wish you the very best. I hope u find a way to reach out for help again.

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Find a more skilled therapist. Other people's actions do not define us.

[Nightlight]

I understand what it is like to let one person hold onto all the hope when I have none myself. I think quite a few other people who post here do as well. Sometimes when there is no one else, we need that one person, but I think that there's such a danger that comes with only letting one person in. As much as that person can help us to hold onto hope when there seems so little, they are just one person. Even if we let our therapist be that person for a while, they are still just one person in the whole big wide world. They are fallible and they do not ultimately get to determine our worth or potential.

I think that if we can let a therapist hold onto that hope for us, it is because in some small way, somehow we have some tiny bit of hope for ourselves as well, or at the very least we know that life is only worth living if we hold onto the tiny bit of hope that things can be better. So many things can trick us into thinking that there isn’t any hope for us (even though we can see that there’s hope for others, no matter how little hope they have for themselves).

I really do think that things can be better than the way they are. If the most difficult thing happens, and that one person who is holding onto the hope for us falters, that hope is still not lost. I know that it can feel like it isn’t there anymore, but it doesn’t go away, even when we lose the valuable support of a therapist. So much is invested in being helped by that one therapist, and it can be so ridiculously difficult to begin to look towards other avenues and sources of hope, but that hope hasn’t gone. And given how difficult life is without that hope, however impossible the process of find it again seems, I really do think it’s worth it.

And most of all, I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through this and I'm sorry that your therapist handled this in the way he did. I’m still with my therapist, but she has actually hurt me quite badly. I know they aren’t perfect, but they carry a lot of responsibility…and sometimes…I wish they were more careful, particularly with us long term clients.

Oh, it hurts so much. I think I'm over it and then it hits me again. I'm not sure what healing is for me. What does it mean? Do you all have an idea of what it means for you?

I am trying to find a new therapist, but we live in a very rural area and the closest ones are over an hour away. It's a lot of time and effort and money to find someone.

[stopdog]

I don't think of therapy as healing or therapists as healers.
Sometimes I think language like that puts a bit too much pressure on the client and gives way too much power to the therapist.

Perhaps something like this as an idea:
http://www.jung-at-heart.com/jung_at_heart/healing.html

I also think everyone is worth the time and money it might take to seek out someone who might be able to assist or be useful.