[ScarletPimpernel]

I will give a shot writing here.

I am so devastated. My T canceled our appointment today due to a family emergency. I truly care about my T, and I understand her family comes first. But what am I supposed to do with my pain over this for the next 9 days? I can't be selfish and expect her to be there for me. I have to give her space. But I'm falling apart. I want to cut, but that would hurt my T. My "thoughts" are really bad right now, but I can't go to the hospital...it's X-mas tomorrow and I have my own family obligations (i.e. putting on a fake smile).

On top of all that, I suffer from extreme fear of rejection and abandonment. A past mentor actually did abandon me for the same type of emergency my T is having now. If I lose my T, I quit. It will be a sign that I was never meant to be here. I'm tired of fighting this battle and never having a victory. I'm tired of letting people into my life, loving them, and then they hurt me or leave me. What did I do to deserve this perpetual hell on earth?

How do I even go back to therapy? Am I allowed to feel hurt/abandoned? Would that seem insensitive to her problems? Do I admit to how painful this is for me, and let her see what a pathetic person I am? I feel so lost. I feel like no matter what I do I will hurt myself, my T, or my family.

Well, I'm in for a very un-merry X-mas...

[TC1978]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I will give a shot writing here.

I am so devastated. My T canceled our appointment today due to a family emergency. I truly care about my T, and I understand her family comes first. But what am I supposed to do with my pain over this for the next 9 days? I can't be selfish and expect her to be there for me. I have to give her space. But I'm falling apart. I want to cut, but that would hurt my T. My "thoughts" are really bad right now, but I can't go to the hospital...it's X-mas tomorrow and I have my own family obligations (i.e. putting on a fake smile).

On top of all that, I suffer from extreme fear of rejection and abandonment. A past mentor actually did abandon me for the same type of emergency my T is having now. If I lose my T, I quit. It will be a sign that I was never meant to be here. I'm tired of fighting this battle and never having a victory. I'm tired of letting people into my life, loving them, and then they hurt me or leave me. What did I do to deserve this perpetual hell on earth?

How do I even go back to therapy? Am I allowed to feel hurt/abandoned? Would that seem insensitive to her problems? Do I admit to how painful this is for me, and let her see what a pathetic person I am? I feel so lost. I feel like no matter what I do I will hurt myself, my T, or my family.

Well, I'm in for a very un-merry X-mas...

What you are feeling is completely natural, my therapist has had a recording for four months saying"due to circumstances beyond my control, the practise will be closed and will be re opening mid February! Therapist of 10 years... Try to let these small things not get so large that they consume you too much, I am currently in a private hospital and have resided to the fact that I may be seeing the new doctor I have met in here from here on. Harsh reality, but I used to think what you expressed- if you loose this T you will give up. I used to say exactly the same thing, I actually think it's all going to be ok, merry Christmas feel good, your a special person who will deal with things in your own way

[anilam]

IDK, what to say...

Please remember your T didn't abandon you, she had to be somewhere else and would be available for you as soon as she can. 9 days are not that long... If you really struggle you can text/mail your T (if she's OK with that) or call a hotline. Telling her how you feel is always OK, she's not your friend/family while in session your feelings/hurts come first. She should be able to help you with it.
Its Xmas time= tons to do, should be "easier" for you find stg to do to distract yourself from these thoughts

[LoneWolfie]

I'm sorry that you are hurting and I can understand what you are feeling. I'm also borderline so believe me I know where you are coming from. Guess you need to try and say to yourself that, your t is a person who has other obligations and a life away from being a t. Not easy to hear I know.

Can you call a crisis line and talk to someone about this? Nine days seems like an eternity and you may have to find things to distract yourself during this time. Again something that is not easy but at times we are the ones that must take charge of our feelings/thoughts. T's help us but ultimately we are the ones that are in charge of our lives.

I think when you see your t the next time it is something that you should talk about.

You are in my thoughts and wish you the best. Holidays are a tough time.

[Daeva]

I will pass what my T has said to me, whenever I ask if I can feel something, or if it's appropriate or not to feel it. She says Do not tell yourself shuld or shouldn't because that is judging yourself. What's the point? You feel it already and will continue to do so, whether you feel like you should or shouldn't. All that does is add on to the conflict inside of you. Now you have added on guilt and shame and stress. All very heavy emotions. This can be avoided by accepting your feelings and exploring where they came from. No matter what, it's okay to have the feelings you have. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. And it's okay to have them."

[Raging Quiet]

(((((Hugs you))))))
Your T will come back to you, try to hold on xxx

i am so sorry. i understand. my t had a family emergency 2 years ago and had to leave the country to go help out her family for a crisis and hasnt been able to return home yet,& i miss her so terribly,& have felt so abandoned and afraid for so long. the time is dragging by. it is ok to feel what you feel. it is ok to talk to your t about your feelings and be honest. its ol to say how this has affected you. i hope the days go by quickly for you n

[brillskep]

This is a tough situation. Sorry you and your therapist are going through this.

First thing I want to say is: if you feel you are about to hurt yourself, go to the hospital. If it's an emergency, your health comes first. It will do your family no good if you put yourself at risk to fulfill a holiday obligation. Take care of them by taking care of you.

About your fear of abandonment, it's understandable to fear that history might repeat itself. That doesn't mean that it's actually going to happen. It's just a normal emotion to experience when you've been hurt before. A family emergency doesn't necessarily mean you will be abandoned, she may have just had an urgent issue to address. My recommendation is to tell her what you've experienced when she comes back. Assuming you trust her, you can share your pain and fear of abandonment as well as your concern for her and not wanting to impose. That way you're giving her the whole picture and you can open discussion and work through what's going on inside you. Difficult experiences like this can open up areas of growth so that you will cope better in the future.

But before then, please do go to the hospital if you need to.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Thank you all.

I know 9 (now 8) days isn't that long, but to me it feels like an eternity. I know feelings aren't wrong, they just are, but then again my feelings make me feel bad. Yes, I'm judging myself and causing added conflict...I just don't know how to stop right now.

The only thing keeping me holding on, is I care so much about my T. She needs to focus on her family right now, not on her over-attached client. She has done nothing wrong. She had to cancel. She contacted me multiple times apologizing and requsting a response from me. She's even going to call me tomorrow. I'm so torn up emotionally. Part of me wants to stay "strong" for her, to show her I respect her, to show her I care. My feelings tell me I'm hurting really badly and want my T to help me. And my "irrational" thoughts tell me she's going to abadon me and I need to run away. Only good thing: I'm stubborn when it comes to people I care about and I don't give up on them until they give up on me. So I must fight myself; fight my thoughts, and somehow survive the next 8 days intact. I have to: for myself, for my T, and for my family. I just am not sure how to...

Off topic: I really wish someone would invent a light switch for the brain so you dimm or shut off part of your brain when you need it to shut up.

[growlithing]

If this happened to me, I would be a) worried about her b) sad we missed our appointment c) angry with myself for being upset that she had an emergency because I should be understanding and d) upset because that would remind me again that I'm not in her family. So I think your response is natural.

The thing is that you manage your emotions in between sessions. Looking forward to seeing T sometimes really only gives me the illusion of having someone fix all of my problems when she really can't.

I also think that if you are having an emergency, Xmas and all other obligations can wait. You need to take care of titled and go to the hospital if you are in crisis.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Well, my T was supposed to call btwn 4 and 5. It's now 5:30. I guess once again my fears of abandonment have come true. And people think it's all in my head...psh.

We can speculate about why she didn't call: she was in an accident, she needed to be at the hospital for her family, she forgot... Well, if she were in an accident, she has another T on call to inform her patients. If she had to be at the hospital, she could have sent a text. If she forgot...well that sucks...makes me feel even smaller than I already am. And it can't be a time zone issue...we're in the same time zone. She knows about my extreme fear of abandonment. She knows I don't trust people and/or let them into my life. I can understand if she can't make a phone call, but to completely forget about me?!?!?! And the phone call was her idea, not mine. I didn't ask for it. In fact, I told her she didn't have to, but she insisted.

I completely hate my life...

[doyoutrustme]

Considering that she contacted you multiple times prior to check on you, you know that she cares. Have faith that she has a good reason. Hang in there.

Even though I'm sure there is an explanation, if it were me, I would be upset right now too.


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