[Daeva]

Tonight my obsession over my T is bad. I often daydream about her (Sometimes sexually most of the time not) just in different scenarios, alot of times with me having to rescue her or her witnessing how bad my family can be to me. Which makes sense since my T and I both acknowledge my rescuer personality type.

Today I'm just so bored that I don't know WHAT to do with myself, I'm bored but I can't bring myself to sit down and focus on something, I've been daydreaming and thinking of my T alot. It has been driving me a bit crazy. The move to the residential facility has sparked this off. Mostly because she use to work there, and she's long-time friends with ALL the staff there, along with me wanting to be closer to her.

However for many months now I have googled her, I haven't told her. I have found her facebook page--on accident, we are mutual friends with someone and we both commented on something. I know not to add her obviously and we're both okay with knowing the other's profile page exist. However I keep googling her, and recently I found her address, and her home number. This has given me such anxiety, cause I feel so angry at myself and ashamed that I'm creeping on her and violating her privacy this way; another part wants to try the number from a number she doesn't know and see if it is really hers. but the other part is frustration because I know this is no good, and nothing good can come from it.

Also I am concerned for her, because I could find her address with some persistence searching online, I mean I knew she lived in county and she has an unusual name so it's not like it can be someone else. And so I'm worried someone who is intending harm can find it too. However can't exactly tell her I know can I?

How do I stop obsessing so much? I mean we've talked about transference to death. I hate this SO MUCH.

[Karrebear]

I think you knowing you KNOW are too involved is all you need. No one will make you sway either way unless you really want to take a step back.

[Daeva]

Should I bring this to my T?

[Karrebear]

No, but I think you really need to develop boundaries with the info that is public about her

[Daeva]

Which is going to be hard to do because I want to know more about her and be closer, even though it's not my place. I hate therapy.

[Karrebear]

I would talk to her about your wanting to know more about her. This is normal. and Im sure she is used to it, but people don't come to therapy originally to find things about the anonymous person they end up taking to. The attachment grows.

[Daeva]

Thank you!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Daeva

Tonight my obsession over my T is bad. I often daydream about her (Sometimes sexually most of the time not) just in different scenarios, alot of times with me having to rescue her or her witnessing how bad my family can be to me. Which makes sense since my T and I both acknowledge my rescuer personality type.

Today I'm just so bored that I don't know WHAT to do with myself, I'm bored but I can't bring myself to sit down and focus on something, I've been daydreaming and thinking of my T alot. It has been driving me a bit crazy. The move to the residential facility has sparked this off. Mostly because she use to work there, and she's long-time friends with ALL the staff there, along with me wanting to be closer to her.

However for many months now I have googled her, I haven't told her. I have found her facebook page--on accident, we are mutual friends with someone and we both commented on something. I know not to add her obviously and we're both okay with knowing the other's profile page exist. However I keep googling her, and recently I found her address, and her home number. This has given me such anxiety, cause I feel so angry at myself and ashamed that I'm creeping on her and violating her privacy this way; another part wants to try the number from a number she doesn't know and see if it is really hers. but the other part is frustration because I know this is no good, and nothing good can come from it.

Also I am concerned for her, because I could find her address with some persistence searching online, I mean I knew she lived in county and she has an unusual name so it's not like it can be someone else. And so I'm worried someone who is intending harm can find it too. However can't exactly tell her I know can I?

How do I stop obsessing so much? I mean we've talked about transference to death. I hate this SO MUCH.

I sure do identify with your post, Daeva. I think you probably know that I would! You know that I obsess about my T, and that I've googled her and her family, and that I've looked at their FB pages, and that I found her address and drove by her house. I did all of those things and I felt guilty about doing them, but I still couldn't stop myself.

You probably know that I told my T about all of it, too. She wasn't angry about anything except my going by her house; she said that crossed her boundaries. The googling and looking on FB didn't bother her, except that she said it wasn't good for me. So, I haven't googled her or gone on her FB since then. I still obsess about her, though.

I wish I had an answer for you, for me, and for others who obsess about their Ts. I'm doing it more now because starting in January I'll only see her twice a month. I emailed her and said that I do things during the week but my mind is always thinking "how many days is it until Tuesday?" It is REALLY very hard to stop thinking about her, and I get very confused about how to accomplish it. Sometimes I think there just IS no way, and I will keep doing it forever, even when I quit therapy.

I'm beginning to think something is wrong with my brain! I know I haven't been too helpful, but I know how you feel. To me, it's like therapy and my T are a magnet, and the pull/attraction I have is incredibly strong. Being very busy in my life helps, but not totally. If you find an answer, please let me know.

[Daeva]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I sure do identify with your post, Daeva. I think you probably know that I would! You know that I obsess about my T, and that I've googled her and her family, and that I've looked at their FB pages, and that I found her address and drove by her house. I did all of those things and I felt guilty about doing them, but I still couldn't stop myself.

You probably know that I told my T about all of it, too. She wasn't angry about anything except my going by her house; she said that crossed her boundaries. The googling and looking on FB didn't bother her, except that she said it wasn't good for me. So, I haven't googled her or gone on her FB since then. I still obsess about her, though.

I wish I had an answer for you, for me, and for others who obsess about their Ts. I'm doing it more now because starting in January I'll only see her twice a month. I emailed her and said that I do things during the week but my mind is always thinking "how many days is it until Tuesday?" It is REALLY very hard to stop thinking about her, and I get very confused about how to accomplish it. Sometimes I think there just IS no way, and I will keep doing it forever, even when I quit therapy.

I'm beginning to think something is wrong with my brain! I know I haven't been too helpful, but I know how you feel. To me, it's like therapy and my T are a magnet, and the pull/attraction I have is incredibly strong. Being very busy in my life helps, but not totally. If you find an answer, please let me know.

Thanks! Actually it's a relief knowing you can relate to it. It's so painful, it's like a drive inside of me. And when i don't do it, like searhc, it's worse. UGH. I am afraid of telling T incase she leaves me

[Lauliza]

I can also identify with you about this since I've obsessed about my psychiatrist for a couple of years. I've googled too and know his address (I was surprised also that his info was actually limited). I take my kids for riding at a barn that is on the same street as his house. I could drive the opposite way but choose to go his way and I feel so guilty! It's weird that the place we go is on his street as we don't live in the same town, but that part is really a very odd coincidence. Either way it tears me up inside and want it to stop too. I do find boredom makes it worse. I tend to obsess while at work since I haven't been busy and can be online for hours if I want to...when I'm with my kids or engaged in other things it much less intense but he still pops in my head...it never completely goes away. I thought talking to him about it might help, but now I don't think so. I don't really have any useful advice but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I hate this about therapy too!

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[Daeva]

Ugh! I'm glad I can't drive, or I'd want to drive by her place just to see what it looks like and imagine what it's like on the inside, and what not.

[Lauliza]

Yes I find myself imagining what it looks like inside his house too. He's written quite a few articles online and published a lot of papers and I imagine what his home office looks like. So nerdy but it drives me crazy. Thank god this is the only time I am near his town. I couldn't deal living near him!

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Oh my god welcome to my world. It is so nice knowing there are other people who feel the same. I know you suffer so i am not saying i am glad you have this too...but at least we are not alone.

What kind of therapy are you having?

I reckon you could talk to your T more about this...there is obviously stuff that is not being looked into. Maybe talking about it would help. Having said that though how do you talk about the sexual stuff...so hard. I'm in my 20's and he is in his 50's...makes me feel awful.

The shame for me can be crushing, almost sickening. I think we just have to keep telling ourselves that it is normal and loads of people get obsessed. There is a way to work through this i just don't know what it is and i can google transference until the cows come home. It. Does. Not. Help.

[anilam]

I would tell my T about that. How can she help you if she doesn't know?
From reading up on here, I can safely say it's pretty common for clients do feel/do so. A T shouldn't be surprised...

[Mactastic]

I also feel your frustration. I wanted to know if my (attractive, same-aged, opposite sex) T was married so I tried finding out on FB. I never figured it out. From time to time, I still look him up even though his profile is private just because I want to see his face. I like that his expression is so different than what I see in session...hard to explain...

I do feel shame, and I would NEVER tell him I looked him on FB. I did figure out what street he lives on but I will never drive by. It's in an affluent area and it will just make me feel worse.

Over time, I have come to realize that nothing good will come out of knowing anything about him. This doesn't mean I don't still wonder! I did talk to my T about that part - me wanting to know if he was married. I told him I had checked for a wedding ring and felt silly for doing it. He explained that everyone looks for a ring. I told him how I used to want to know more about him but then came to terms with understanding that it won't help matters at all. If I knew he was married I'd be sad for having feelings for a married man. If I knew he wasn't married, it might make me feel like it's ok to be flirty, which it's not!

[Daeva]

Thanks guys!

I've already told her about the sexual stuff, she knows where we stand in the transference ring, which is why I don't bother bringing this up--perhaps I should, maybe it'll help lessen this behavior.

I have looked for a ring on her too!!! It's hard being lesbian and your same-sex T is straight. UGH. I feel so much shame for this behavior, even though it's normal for clients, if I tell her it won't be until the future, far future. Because lately she's been saying how I'm becoming too dependent and talking about transferring

[Mactastic]

What has your therapist been saying about your dependence and transference? My T doesn't know my *real* feelings for him because I'm scared he'll terminate me

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[Daeva]

That she doesn't want me becoming too dependent, that isn't the goal of therapy. She accepts my trasnference and says she understands it, but makes sure I know what we really are T/client

[Mactastic]

How do you think you're doing? For awhile I was driving myself crazy with my feelings for my T, but for the past few days my feelings have felt a little subdued. Maybe knowing I'm going home for Christmas to see my family has helped.

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[wheeler]

I too have obsessed about my T. It's a long story, but in fact one of the reasons I am in therapy with my current T is to help with obsessive feelings about my 1st T.

It's taken me along time to get to where I'm at right now, but my current T has been amazing. I think for me one of the biggest things that has helped me is her acceptance of my feelings about her, and my curiosity about her life. She tells me all these feelings are normal, and it's ok to talk about anything.

She knows I've googled her and have looked her up (many times) on Facebook. And once again, she hasn't had any issues with it. I'm the one who does. I'm the one with the shame.

She tells me I can ask her anything I want, which is much easier said than done.

I do sometimes get frustrated with myself, and that I sometimes have to revisit (and revisit again) feelings I have about our relationship, but for me, talking about it as help tremendously.

Best of luck, I understand the pain, but there is hope

[Daeva]

I'm going a bit insane over it!!!

Thank you! I might someday build up the courage to tell her, I'm glad your T handled it so well. Maybe mine will too

[wheeler]

What also helped was texting. I can text as much as I want and it has really helped get things out of my head. However, we have certainly had our share of 'misunderstandings' over text, but for me the good has far out weighed the bad.

[Lauliza]

I'm afraid that I had more contact like texting I would get even more obsessed. But that is just me, I'm glad it helps u.

I brought it up with my doctor without telling him who it was. But I told him an affair was not an option, that it's not allowed. I told him I've felt obsessed lately, thinking about this "man" constantly and I was worried it wasn't ok. He encouraged me to enjoy it and try to have fun, even flirt a little. He said there's no need to talk about it further unless I didn't want to talk to this person anymore.

This has actually helped, strangely since he normalized my feelings and even took it out of the context of therapy. Even the obsession part he said was ok so long as it's not interfering with my functioning. He said to not be negative and call it fantasizing, not obsessing.

[Mactastic]

Originally Posted by wheeler

I do sometimes get frustrated with myself, and that I sometimes have to revisit (and revisit again) feelings I have about our relationship, but for me, talking about it as help tremendously.

This is where I get stuck. I feel the need to talk about my feelings for my T time and time again but it still doesn't feel like enough. I reality, we've only spoken about it for a few minutes at a time over the course of about 3 or 4 sessions.

I'm toying with the idea of bringing this up at my upcoming session. He's never said or done anything to make me feel like it's not okay to talk about my feelings but I'm still terrified to bring it up for fear he'll terminate me. He only knows I have "feelings," he doesn't know how much they matter to me and how much they affect our dynamic. During our last session we didn't talk about my feelings for him at all - I left feeling like there was a hole that needed filling. I don't know how to get the conversation started

[archipelago]

I had a time when I thought about my therapist a lot. It was something that was a sign to me that I wanted more from the relationship. I thought it was one thing, but it turned out to be another. Both had to do with intimacy. Once I realized that all my extra thoughts were about wanting intimacy, then I could let them go once true intimacy became a part of our work together. This happened gradually through talking about it here and there. Eventually the thoughts I had dropped away because I had real intimacy and realized those thoughts were getting in the way. I still think about my therapist a lot but it is not like before at all. I can't explain it very well, but there was a real shift that happened.