[SoupDragon]

I have always been so ambivalent about therapy, always wanting to quit, to run, great difficulty in talking with my T about things.

He thinks things have improved over the 3.5 years, I still find myself sitting there squirming at the sessions.

The first year or 2, T actively encouraged me to e-mail. It was the only way I could get the stuff in my head out there. However I have noticed over the last year, that he has always delayed responding to my e-mails and shortened his replies. I assumed that he was trying to discourage me from sending them and trying to get me to talk in sessions, but it felt like a sudden change in the rules without discussion / notification.

This week he said something to me in session that really got to me. It felt like a real smack in the face. I have struggled with the overwhelm all week and have even for the first time, got myself signed off work by my doctor as I just can't focus to be there.

I e-mailed my T, firstly to say that I wanted a break (I know he hates when I do that, which wasn't my motivation for doing it, I just felt so overwhelmed and confused and as he was partly the trigger for that, couldn't face him until I had got my head straightened out). The next day things were calmer and I e-mailed again to say sorry for the previous e-mail and to ignore it. We also had not arranged a date for the next session and I reminded him of that.

He responded, purely offering that dates for the next session - he made no mention of the other things in my e-mail. That hurt, I felt ignored / dismissed / stupid.

I e-mailed back to say that I was due to see my doctor and that there was a possibility of being signed off, so would get back to him re: session time. And later that evening I did confirm which time slot I would prefer.

I have still heard nothing back from him.

Today my anxiety is rather overwhelming, my head is spinning to the point that I am dizzy when walking. My ex has also contacted me to say he wants to come around this evening to talk about the timetable we have for care of the kids. He tends to bully me, so I am also worried about that meeting.

Right now, it would be so useful to see my T and for him to be a certain way with me - supportive, calming etc. But after last session and the e-mails I sent, there is another scenario that plays in my head, of him being stern and critical and that terrifies me. Right now I can't afford to have any further triggers, to overwhelm me further and so my anxiety increases.

I really don't know how to do what I know I should do in therapy. Rationally know that this is all relevant stuff to share with him, but I know I can't sit there and say it face to face with him. And if I e-mail I know he won't respond or acknowledged what I write (based on his most recent responses or lack of, to my e-mails).

I really don't know what to do anymore. What is the point of going to the sessions, if I still can't talk about what is really going on for me.

I want to go on Tuesday and tell him that this time I really do want to quit, but then I worry that that is the wrong thing. And what if he agrees that it is pointless to continue, what then?

[Leah123]

I hope you will let him know how the change in emails has affected you and ask him why the change. It may not be intentional, or even if it is, he may have other unrelated motivations. I think it'd be very helpful also for him to know how afraid you are of a difficult session. I went through something very similar recently with my therapist, the anxiety was terrible, and she promised to be gentle and go slow with me. It didn't go perfectly, but she was very helpful and it led to a good breakthrough in the therapy, with her offering me some DBT training to work on regulating my emotions so the anxiety, fear, anger, etc. I struggle with didn't hit me quite so hard.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, I do hope you can reach out, maybe one last email, or hand him a note about all this in session, and I hope it goes well!

[Karrebear]

I would encourage you to go to the session. I know how it feels when they reply something other than what you are expecting. That is the thing about emails or text..you can't hear the person saying what they typed or the way they said it.

If you don't mind me asking, what did he say that felt like a slap in the face?

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I really don't know what to do anymore. What is the point of going to the sessions, if I still can't talk about what is really going on for me.

Well, you WANT to contact T and you WANT to have a session, right? So, it must offer you something valuable or you would have lost all desire to continue, right?

You're in a time of need at the moment and you're reaching out to your T. Why - if you think there's no point? What does he give you that helps somewhat?

If you can't find anything that helps at all by seeing him, then maybe you're right - there's no point. And, at that time it might be best to look for another T that you're not so scared of.

Or maybe he offers a slight bit but not enough to affect more healing. And, then, again, that might be the sign that it's time to move on.

I'm sorry your T seems to have let you down. And if you can't tell him what you've shared here on PC, I wonder the purpose of your association with him.

Can this possibly be the time to push through your anxiety about his response and really really be honest with him? If you could muster the courage, you might find out once and for all whether this T is right for you or not.

But, I do understand that is not the easiest thing to do. Please hang in there one way or another.

[shelbykay]

I'm sorry you're hurting. Like others recommended, I'd talk to your T about the change in email responses and how it has made you feel.

I was seeing a therapist for awhile and I could not open up. I wanted to and knew I should, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about what needed to be talked about. Now I'm seeing another T and have been surprisingly open with her. From the first session I haven't had a problem talking. If you aren't feeling it with your T, maybe finding a new one would help?

[stopdog]

I would take a break. I have never had a therapist tell me I could not make another appointment after a break, and if they did, I would not want to go back to them because that sort of attitude from a therapist would piss me off. During the breaks, I try out new therapists to see if there is one I might like better.

[SoupDragon]

Thank-you for all your replies. The smack in the face, was when l was saying that l felt sad that my ex husband threw our relationship away. We had been together 17 years and had 2 young children, then aged 2 and 3. He told me he didn't love me or find me attractive and wanted to leave. l wanted to work things out. My T told me we had BOTH thrown it away. So that triggered confusion in me (my ex had been emotionally abusive). led me to think it was my fault, yet l can't figure out what l should have done differently. l have suffered other abuse in my life, Including SA, so l even questioned my role in that, concluding that l have created this life and pain all by myself. Why would l want to create suffering for myself? Or is this an extension of my SI?

l think l will try all suggestions. Try and talk with T, or otherwise seek a break. l think you make a good point Stopdog. If he doesn't agree to take me back after a break, he is not the T for me.

[Canyon]

I could be 100% off base here but while reading your story I sort of got the thought that your T might be trying to prod you a little into opening up in therapy sessions.

He may feel that at this stage of the game that he needs to maybe get you a bit ticked off so that you will talk about your feelings in the sessions more or that it has been long enough to push you in that direction? Maybe he feels that most therapeutic work should done there?

I think it is something to bring up to him before calling it a day.

[SoupDragon]

Thanks Canyon, yes maybe my T has a bigger game plan. It is helpful to hear other perspectives.

[tooski]

It sounds like you're having a rough time right now, bad enough that a doctor has signed you off work. I don't think this is a good time to make any big decisions (like quitting therapy). I agree with Canyon that your T may be trying to help you to open up more during sessions. Email is OK if it's the only way we can get stuff out, but I think eventually we need to move forward and be able to talk freely in session (even with the dreaded eye contact!)

I know I need prodding sometimes because I just can't do something myself. Sometimes I try to prod T into prodding me ... Anyway, I'm sorry that things are so difficult right now. I hope you can hang in there and just talk with your T as best you can. Would it really be better if you didn't have T to talk to right now?

Hugs, if it's OK ... sounds like you could use some right now

[SoupDragon]

Thanks Tooski, that makes a lot of sense. And thanks for the hug. Soup.