[Leah123]

I'm upset at my therapist. I don't have a reasonable cause. She's been pretty well attuned lately, good availability, helpful, reassuring, and encouraging.

I guess my upset right now is just situational:

1. She's extra busy lately with the holidays, so am I, so we've had less live session time.

2 She *just* started offering phone sessions to other clients, while that was something she only did with me for prior months. (I admitted I felt jealous, I do talk most everything out with her, she just said she was glad I could share my feelings and she hoped I would know that wouldn't diminish our relationship. That was good of her, just.... gave me the 'I'm just a job' feeling.)

3. I've had to start cutting back my therapy expense significantly, from twice weekly double sessions and lots of email sessions to maybe 2 one hour sessions. Last week was the first cut, cut my spending and my therapy time by 50%.

4. I'm actually making good progress in a couple areas: balancing out my days better and keeping my temper. Been working on some new, productive, concrete techniques, DBT and a special book on parenting my kiddo who has ODD. The work is just an uphill battle though: my husband seems to undo a lot of my efforts and I'm reevaluating my marriage now, we've had such a rough last several years and he was only getting worse. He recently got into therapy as I told him it was that or break up, so... it's really really stressful right now, living in the midst of this upheaval. Things look more hopeful now than they did before, but it's very distressing to be at this pivotal point, trying to sit back and let things unfold, realizing my marriage is so unfulfilling in some ways. I find it so hard and I have some related past issues that trigger my PTSD has been acting up like crazy I think.

5. I'm extra stressed. My husband and kiddo have been home on vacation two weeks while I work 60 hours a week from home, amidst the relationship shift we're having right now, extra tense at home all the time. He made a couple commitments to me during the vacation and didn't keep them either.

6. It's the new year. I see I'm not where I want to be in some major areas; financially, relationship-wise, jobwise, even my post-holiday weight is discouraging. Still, I have a good plan for everything and better tools now to make positive changes.

So... I think I worry that I'm managing better and making therapeutic progress, I'm still struggling and feeling out of control. At the same time I'm having to cut way back with my therapist who I really rely on, something I haven't had in 20 years. I'm in this place where all the change I've been making (which is ultimately positive) is stressful and I worry about losing the connection with her, plus... I guess I'm just feeling low, dispirited, just plain old out of sorts.

I would really appreciate any support if you all have some to spare, or if anyone's been in a similar situation.

I'm trying to take good care of myself and be positive, it's been helping some, I bet next week will be better. I have a session tomorrow, on the phone if I'm lucky, am just sad to know I have to clock watch a lot now. I do tell myself that by setting limits, I'll be in a better financial position and also make the sessions more productive/efficient maybe, it's just... losing a lot of time with her is sad, no two ways about it.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
I am experiencing something similar right now. I know I'm improving and it is more beneficial for me to cut my time down with her a bunch then it is to see her twice a week and talk between sessions...it doesn't feel beneficial but I know logically in the long run it will be best.
It is so hard though. Missing her is the worst and I have some good days and some bad.
I know you said you let your T know about the jealousy of opening up phone sessions to other clients, but have you spoke with her about your feelings regarding seeing her less?
Maybe let her know you're struggling and miss that extra time a lot right now.
It may help.

Originally Posted by Leah123

I'm upset at my therapist. I don't have a reasonable cause. She's been pretty well attuned lately, good availability, helpful, reassuring, and encouraging.

I guess my upset right now is just situational:

1. She's extra busy lately with the holidays, so am I, so we've had less live session time.

2 She *just* started offering phone sessions to other clients, while that was something she only did with me for prior months. (I admitted I felt jealous, I do talk most everything out with her, she just said she was glad I could share my feelings and she hoped I would know that wouldn't diminish our relationship. That was good of her, just.... gave me the 'I'm just a job' feeling.)

3. I've had to start cutting back my therapy expense significantly, from twice weekly double sessions and lots of email sessions to maybe 2 one hour sessions. Last week was the first cut, cut my spending and my therapy time by 50%.

4. I'm actually making good progress in a couple areas: balancing out my days better and keeping my temper. Been working on some new, productive, concrete techniques, DBT and a special book on parenting my kiddo who has ODD. The work is just an uphill battle though: my husband seems to undo a lot of my efforts and I'm reevaluating my marriage now, we've had such a rough last several years and he was only getting worse. He recently got into therapy as I told him it was that or break up, so... it's really really stressful right now, living in the midst of this upheaval. Things look more hopeful now than they did before, but it's very distressing to be at this pivotal point, trying to sit back and let things unfold, realizing my marriage is so unfulfilling in some ways. I find it so hard and I have some related past issues that trigger my PTSD has been acting up like crazy I think.

5. I'm extra stressed. My husband and kiddo have been home on vacation two weeks while I work 60 hours a week from home, amidst the relationship shift we're having right now, extra tense at home all the time. He made a couple commitments to me during the vacation and didn't keep them either.

6. It's the new year. I see I'm not where I want to be in some major areas; financially, relationship-wise, jobwise, even my post-holiday weight is discouraging. Still, I have a good plan for everything and better tools now to make positive changes.

So... I think I worry that I'm managing better and making therapeutic progress, I'm still struggling and feeling out of control. At the same time I'm having to cut way back with my therapist who I really rely on, something I haven't had in 20 years. I'm in this place where all the change I've been making (which is ultimately positive) is stressful and I worry about losing the connection with her, plus... I guess I'm just feeling low, dispirited, just plain old out of sorts.

I would really appreciate any support if you all have some to spare, or if anyone's been in a similar situation.

I'm trying to take good care of myself and be positive, it's been helping some, I bet next week will be better. I have a session tomorrow, on the phone if I'm lucky, am just sad to know I have to clock watch a lot now. I do tell myself that by setting limits, I'll be in a better financial position and also make the sessions more productive/efficient maybe, it's just... losing a lot of time with her is sad, no two ways about it.

-Hope

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
I am experiencing something similar right now. I know I'm improving and it is more beneficial for me to cut my time down with her a bunch then it is to see her twice a week and talk between sessions...it doesn't feel beneficial but I know logically in the long run it will be best.
It is so hard though. Missing her is the worst and I have some good days and some bad.
I know you said you let your T know about the jealousy of opening up phone sessions to other clients, but have you spoke with her about your feelings regarding seeing her less?
Maybe let her know you're struggling and miss that extra time a lot right now.
It may help.




-Hope

Thanks, well, it's a good suggestion. I bet she'd understand if I told her that, it being the holidays and me needing to cut back- I did tell her a couple times prior that would be happening for financial reasons, but I *hate* to discuss finances. It would probably help to share it though... maybe I'll try.

I will say- I think she's trying to help me. One time when I told her I was missing her or wanting comforting, something like that, she told me she had a blog that I could read. I thought that was really nice of her to share, and it is kind of comforting- it's about her, and her dog, and just wisdom she's learned, it is nice to know she'd share that with me, it made me feel special, I think she wants me to know I'm special to her, I just always doubt it so much. I feel so insecure lately about therapy - worry so much that I'm whiny, dramatic, insecure, basically unpleasant to be around, ha.

Another time, she told me that she wouldn't mind if I checked in daily via email, and she has been not charging too much for some of those email sessions- I think she's trying to help, maybe, and she didn't charge me for one last week where it was like a progress report- I was telling her some successes so she didn't have to reply much... maybe that's a good sign.

I should know I'm more than "just" a job to her, she's said things about it before, and she did tell me once she'd see me even if I couldn't afford her rates. I can, so I'll never ask her for reduced rates, I was just happy to know that she would, that she was committed.

I guess I should cheer up. I think it's just the money situation, stressful holidays, and marriage trouble probably mostly catching up with me.

Thanks for writing and thanks everyone for the hugs. I really appreciate them right now.

P.S. I was struck by the line from Shake it Out that you posted- it's the first song I ever shared with my therapist, very meaningful to me, seemed coincidental that you posted it.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Well that's great you have a Therapist who is in tune with your needs! She does seem to genuinely care and I'm sure it'll help to talk more about it.
I understand not wanting to discuss finances- I hate it too. I'm not even sure why it's so hard. Maybe it is because it's a service we are paying for and we don't want them to feel obligated to work with us or even being afraid they won't want to work with us.
Shake It Out is a great song. I like the lyric I used in my signature. I also have a "it's always darkest before the dawn" tattoo to remember it gets worse before it gets better. That song has helped me through a lot of tough times!!


-Hope

[Leah123]

She does care. Sometimes I think it's harder because we do long distance therapy. It has advantages, but at the moment, I sure wish one of her virtual hugs was a real one. It's hard to hold onto the sense of her, sometimes, I think it'd be easier if I got to see her in person, but she is so awesome, I wouldn't want to leave her just to see someone in person.

I am in this rut where I'm afraid she won't want to work with me, that she's sick of me, and I *know* discussing that is a no-no in relationships, just makes it worse, but I still bring it up with her, sigh.

[Leah123]

Well, I guess I should have seen an upset coming. She just emailed me about how she didn't like to do long phone sessions, preferred chat first, and was, I think she said, setting a one hour limit.

I bet that doesn't sound like a big deal to anyone but me, but I'm sitting here crying about limits and wanting more from her than just typing, the phone sessions were helping with that, and now it's like... pushback, I feel like it's so unfair (yes, I know I'm being arbitrary, I know it's my own fault I started online) that I can't even see her, and now there are limits on talking to her too, like all I can count on is typing, and it's hard to just type sometimes.

I cancelled our session today, it was supposed to start in an hour and she just emailed me that.

[Leah123]

She's going to raise her rates too she said. I'm in full on triggered abandonment mode. Just spent two hours of therapy like that.

She says it's ok, not wasted time, we'll learn something from it. I feel sunken, broken, but it will get better.

I should trust her, with all her years of experience and credentials, but right now I don't.

[learning1]

ugh, that sucks when you were already cutting back to save money and she raised her rates. I'm kinda surprised a t would prefer chat, but I don't know. will she charge you less for chat? Did she say anything reassuring when you talked to her?

[Leah123]

Thank you for reading and the hugs.

Yeah, I feel like I'm falling apart right now. Have PTSD, got triggered. Not good. Spent a couple hours of session time (chat/phone) trying to work it out with her, work through being in the middle of a reaction, then had an email invoice to pay for after that and lost it again, thinking I'm just a job to her. She says I'm not, but all the invoices make it hard to hold onto that at the moment.

I don't even get to see her in person and that's hurting right now, but she says she never had so much availability/ability to see in-person clients to often as she sees me, so she says it's the upside of our arrangement. I think I'd trade 100 chats for one real hug atm.

Anyhow, um... she doesn't charge less for chat, but she did say reassuring things, she said she was limiting the calls to one hour, but she said I could call her more than once a week if I wanted. She explained it all very well, how it strained her neck and shoulder (she's older) so it wasn't anything personal, just taking care of herself and she wouldn't cut me off.

But that with the rate change, and some issues I'm dealing with right now, it probably sounds like nothing to anyone else, but... I am feeling really really upset. I think once I get triggered it takes time to wear off, maybe I just need more time and rest.