[growlithing]

I saw T today. She said she wants to act as my "life coach". She thinks that is what I would benefit from most from her. I don't really know what that is. I guess that's just where she helps me be a normal human being and help me manage my life. She did that stuff before when I was residential so it isn't really a huge change beyond not ever sitting down to talk about my feelings. I guess we never really did that anyway because she doesn't do trauma work.

We don't have anything set up for the future yet. She said she has to call my school for some reason, set something up for herself, and write up a contract. I worry she is trying to get rid of me. I'm worried she is hoping I just get over my attachment to her and realize I don't need her and just slip away. I know she won't do that. She said she really wants to keep working with me. And this is the first time she's tried to keep someone past discharging from the program so I kinda believe her.

Before we stopped talking she came over to me and rubbed my back. She told me she's proud of me and that I've done a super good job recently getting everything I wanted. I got back to school with being able to live in my apartment and everything. She then looked at my hair and said "wow it really does look nice. I still wish you'd wear your bangs differently" and rustled my hair. I stuck my tongue out at her and she laughed.

And she's right. I did get everything I wanted. I got registered for school. I'm going to be back where I always wanted. My life is going more in the direction I intended before this mess and I should be happy. But honestly, all I want is to be back at that program for no other reason than to be with T (or whatever she is) all day. I wasn't benefitting from it anymore. I just want to wake up in the morning, run downstairs and bother her while she makes tea, come knocking on her door crying at noon, and playing with her until she has to go but knowing she'll be back tomorrow. Hell, what I really want to get scared in the middle night from a nightmare, run down the hall, and have her be there for me. I just want to cry in her arms all day long while she plays with my hair and tells me she loves me and never be an adult. I want to go to school, come home, and tell her all about it. I felt like I had a mother while I was in the program because she was there every day and she took care of me like my real mother should have. Now I'm dealing with that loss as well as dealing with all of my trauma and I just want her to be there again tomorrow but I don't even know if/when I will see her again. She said to email her with updates regarding my treatment schedule and she'll work the other stuff out. I just have to trust her.

[CantExplain]

Curious. If you are getting everything you want, why do you need a life coach?

[Lauliza]

It sounds like your t feels that you've gotten what you need from therapy emotionally and thinks you're ready to move to the next step. In your case focusing on your executive functioning skills might be crucial. That is an important next step and she may think that you are now ready for it. Almost like a parent who is trying to get their child to go off on their own. They are in the sidelines for support but want you to reach your full potential on your own now. This takes time of course but it's a start. I could be off but that's how I see it.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Curious. If you are getting everything you want, why do you need a life coach?

I didn't mean that literally. I meant that I accomplished around 95% of my goals while in patient. My ADLS are still kinds complete crap, I don't have a job, I'm extremely disorganized, and I don't know even how to take the first step to fix all of this.

Originally Posted by amee200

It sounds like your t feels that you've gotten what you need from therapy emotionally and thinks you're ready to move to the next step. In your case focusing on your executive functioning skills might be crucial. That is an important next step and she may think that you are now ready for it. Almost like a parent who is trying to get their child to go off on their own. They are in the sidelines for support but want you to reach your full potential on your own now. This takes time of course but it's a start. I could be off but that's how I see it.

Well, sorta. You see, she never actually was my T. She was both my T and my case manager. Meaning she would sit down with me to chat but also take me out on walks, make sure I have set up appointments for stuff, take me to the store, etc. She said I already have a lot of therapists to work through my issues needing to be worked through in that setting. A lot of therapists with much more skill and experience in doing that than her. But I don't have anyone to really watch over me or whatever and she wants to take that role up.

My other T worries that her being my life coach would make my maternal transference even worse because she'd essentially be a step in mother and both of us would play that part. But at the same time, it could be good for me to feel like I do have a mom and learn to make this separation work.

Just a question. Is she actually a licensed therapist? It seems odd for a therapist to volunteer to be a "life coach". Many, if not most, life coaches aren't actually licensed therapists. I ask that for that reason and because you say there were other therapists with more skills, etc. working with you in that setting.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Just a question. Is she actually a licensed therapist? It seems odd for a therapist to volunteer to be a "life coach". Many, if not most, life coaches aren't actually licensed therapists. I ask that for that reason and because you say there were other therapists with more skills, etc. working with you in that setting.

At the moment, no. She said she was in the past but isn't currently.

[Lauliza]

I see, that makes sense. Especially if your ADLS are not good as you say. That kind of relationship can be good so long as it is short term and you can handle that. Otherwise your t is right, you may depend too much on her as a step in mom. So it depends on you and how you could handle eventually not having her in that role anymore.

Sent from my BNTV400 using Tapatalk

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by amee200

I see, that makes sense. Especially if your ADLS are not good as you say. That kind of relationship can be good so long as it is short term and you can handle that. Otherwise your t is right, you may depend too much on her as a step in mom. So it depends on you and how you could handle eventually not having her in that role anymore.

Sent from my BNTV400 using Tapatalk

Other T has always seemed to be a little bit nervous about my relationship with this T because of the fact that I do literally see her as my mother in my eyes and that she probably literally does see me as her daughter in hers. I think she worries a little bit that T is accidentally taking me on a joy ride and not really noticing how it makes me cry every night to gain and loose "mommy" over and over. At the same time, she does think it could be beneficial because I do need help in the areas a life coach could help and that I probably need to experience the mother relationship go through a more natural feeling separation than just immediately cutting it off.

T/life coach said she had to evaluate me and my situation to decide whether or not I could handle having her as a life coach or not. She said after talking to me for an hour yesterday that she thinks I can and that she feels comfortable doing this with the amount of extra outside support I have (DBT, a trauma therapist, and another therapist just for me to talk to twice a week). I'm not completely sure why. Part of me wonders if she would actually say no because I know she wants to stay involved. However, she has little qualms with making me extremely upset beyond she said she sometimes feels guilty for making me cry/seeing the pain in my eyes when she lays down boundaries, but said she can't let her guilt interfere with doing what's right for both her and me. She also said that she thinks it's healthy for me to experience having a mother and then mourning the pain of "losing" her because I haven't previously been capable of doing that.

I said that I don't really care if she's my life coach or whatever. I just want her to be there under any other name. She sighed and said she knows that.

I guess we'll see how this goes.

[anilam]

Who'd be paying her? You being in school, no work. Just wondering out loud. I'd be searching for therapy covered by my insurance/free.
Makes sense for her (not being licensed and all) but would it be the best option for you?

[Lauliza]

I would think seriously as to whether this is really the best option for you. It sounds to me that the title "life coach" is being used very loosely here and that relationship seems to serve this woman's needs more than they serve yours. It doesn't seem right to me that she is not concerned with the pain you are in at the end of every day. You have a lot of other qualified people in your life who can help you with your needs, from what you describe. Do you think its possible that this T could be creating problems for you that didn't previously exist?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by anilam

Who'd be paying her? You being in school, no work. Just wondering out loud. I'd be searching for therapy covered by my insurance/free.
Makes sense for her (not being licensed and all) but would it be the best option for you?

My parents would, plus, she said she looked into my insurance and thinks she might be able to get it to cover her as a "life coach" as opposed to any other name.

As complicated as your issues are, it seems that you need to stay in the hands of experienced, trained professionals rather than someone you yourself have described as less experienced and less skilled. She does seem to not really know how to work with you completely to your best interests. I know you've gotten very attached to her, but it doesn't seem like a terribly healthy attachment. I don't understand how she, who really isn't your therapist, can make such important treatment decisions when she really isn't your therapist. Just seems like she is stepping beyond her responsibilities and duties and not exercising good judgement and boundaries in your care. An actual therapist wouldn't assign herself the title of "life coach". She would take you on as an actual therapy client. I'm just not sure what is going on there and I worry that this will turn out badly for you.

[Lauliza]

I agree 100% with Sierra. This situation makes me worried for you (sorry if I'm overstepping here). Are the other, licensed, therapists you see aware of the details and nature of your relationship with the life coach?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by amee200

I would think seriously as to whether this is really the best option for you. It sounds to me that the title "life coach" is being used very loosely here and that relationship seems to serve this woman's needs more than they serve yours. It doesn't seem right to me that she is not concerned with the pain you are in at the end of every day. You have a lot of other qualified people in your life who can help you with your needs, from what you describe. Do you think its possible that this T could be creating problems for you that didn't previously exist?

No, she is concerned with the pain. She's definitely concerned with my pain. What I meant was that she doesn't allow her concern for my pain to interfere with making the right decision for me. She was concerned with my pain throughout the 20 day break and kept in contact with my mother to make sure 1) she wasn't being horribly verbally abusive to me and 2) to make sure I wasn't showing signs of self destructing. I don't think she knows how much heart ache it's causing me and I also don't think she can control that because it was created from seeing her so frequently in a residential setting. She is trying to correct it now.

Is she creating new issues? Yes and no. I think that seeing a T or having any sort of relationship with anyone creates new issues that didn't previously exist. However, I don't think she's creating new issues beyond what is expected. I think the issues that come up with her are issues I've had all along that are coming to light more clearly. I am mourning the loss of the mother I never had which is something I couldn't do before I had an idea of what I was missing.

[Lauliza]

Oh, ok. She doesn't feel guilty that you're upset because she knows you need these boundaries. That makes sense. I would just pay attention to all the motherly things she does for you.

This reminds me of a style of therapy called attachment therapy. It's pretty controversial even when it is done with a trained and licensed therapist. Since you acknowledge she is not very skilled and is not licensed, I worry that she may do you (unintentional) harm if she is not careful. If your other clinicians are aware of this woman's methods they may be able to help. They may even work with your coach to train her on what is truly in your best interest?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

As complicated as your issues are, it seems that you need to stay in the hands of experienced, trained professionals rather than someone you yourself have described as less experienced and less skilled. She does seem to not really know how to work with you completely to your best interests. I know you've gotten very attached to her, but it doesn't seem like a terribly healthy attachment. I don't understand how she, who really isn't your therapist, can make such important treatment decisions when she really isn't your therapist. Just seems like she is stepping beyond her responsibilities and duties and not exercising good judgement and boundaries in your care. An actual therapist wouldn't assign herself the title of "life coach". She would take you on as an actual therapy client. I'm just not sure what is going on there and I worry that this will turn out badly for you.

Originally Posted by amee200

I agree 100% with Sierra. This situation makes me worried for you (sorry if I'm overstepping here). Are the other, licensed, therapists you see aware of the details and nature of your relationship with the life coach?

The thing is that she is experienced and trained. She just hasn't gone through the licensing process completely yet because her job at the residential place didn't need her to be an officially licensed therapist. It just needed her to be experienced and trained. Technically, she is a psychoanalyst and almost finished with the process of getting licensed for her private practice that she's setting up.

She thinks that I need to experience having someone care for me because how else will I learn how to do it for myself?

Sort of. My trauma therapist is. She is the only one I've been seeing recently and we don't do exclusively trauma work. We also talk about my issues with this other "T".

My DBT therapist does not. I've only met him once and I will be seeing him in a group setting. I'm also very nervous being one on one with him as he is a man. I don't particularly know why he would need to know about that.

My old T (I had to take a few months break from her but I'm back with her next Thursday) is almost completely out of the loop. She has spoken with "T" directly several times so I know she knows "T"'s strategy and opinion. She just hasn't heard from me since October and has no idea how any of it has been affecting me. She's also not a licensed T. She's an intern in the process of getting her PhD and will be leaving in May after working with me for 2 and a half years (3 if you consider that she was still very loosely involved during the break) at that point. When I see her again this Thursday, I will fill her in about this. I don't have any idea what she will think of it but I know she will tell me and probably call "T" if she has a serious concern with it.

I don't know. Something about this whole situation just doesn't feel right. Too many outside of the rules things going on here: not a therapist, not licensed, not experienced, extremely poor boundaries that are causing you more distress, taking you on after residential treatment which usually is not even allowed, other T's expressing some apprehension with what she does with you . . . .

Honestly, you really need to find a licensed, experienced therapist either through your school or privately. If you insist on continuing to see the person, your new therapist needs to closely monitor what is going on with this person to be sure it is truly beneficial for you and to intervene if you regress due to her poor boundaries and inexperience. Those kinds of safeguards really need to be in place for your well-being. Otherwise this feels a bit like a rocket that's about to take off and go completely out of control. It scares me a bit.

[Bill3]

Other T has always seemed to be a little bit nervous about my relationship with this T because of the fact that I do literally see her as my mother in my eyes and that she probably literally does see me as her daughter in hers. I think she worries a little bit that T is accidentally taking me on a joy ride and not really noticing how it makes me cry every night to gain and loose "mommy" over and over. At the same time, she does think it could be beneficial because I do need help in the areas a life coach could help and that I probably need to experience the mother relationship go through a more natural feeling separation than just immediately cutting it off.

You are keeping your trauma T aware of the situation and right now she is on board.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You are keeping your trauma T aware of the situation and right now she is on board.

Yeah. Right now, she's okay with it

[A Red Panda]

Does your actual T know that you refer to this T as "mommy"? Not that you wish she could be your mother as I'm sure that they know that. But are they (any) of them aware that you actually think "mommy!" instead of "T!"?

Like the others... I worry about the effects that this is having and will continue to have on you. I hope that you are being 100% honest with all of your actual Ts about how you think and feel about this T and that you are not downplaying your attachment to her to obtain their approval.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

Does your actual T know that you refer to this T as "mommy"? Not that you wish she could be your mother as I'm sure that they know that. But are they (any) of them aware that you actually think "mommy!" instead of "T!"?

Like the others... I worry about the effects that this is having and will continue to have on you. I hope that you are being 100% honest with all of your actual Ts about how you think and feel about this T and that you are not downplaying your attachment to her to obtain their approval.

Which one do you consider to be my "actual T"? The one that I feel this way about does know that and I've asked her straight out if she thinks it's a problem. She said she doesn't think it's a huge issue. She thinks the issue is more of what I want from her because no one can actually be there for me 24/7. I also don't call her that to her face.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Which one do you consider to be my "actual T"? The one that I feel this way about does know that and I've asked her straight out if she thinks it's a problem. She said she doesn't think it's a huge issue. She thinks the issue is more of what I want from her because no one can actually be there for me 24/7. I also don't call her that to her face.

I must say, I'm getting a bit confused about all of these Ts. If I have this right: there's "mommy" case worker T; trauma T; DBT T for group; and your former school T?

So who's in charge? Do you really need to see your school T? Especially since she's leaving in May, and is pretty inexperienced, wouldn't it make more sense to just see her through a termination process? As long as the "life coach mommy" is willing to work closely with the Trauma T and follow her lead, rather than work independently, I don't see a problem. My concern would be how your involvement with LCM T will be contained psychologically, and not impede your forming an attachment with the trauma T.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I must say, I'm getting a bit confused about all of these Ts. If I have this right: there's "mommy" case worker T; trauma T; DBT T for group; and your former school T?

So who's in charge? Do you really need to see your school T? Especially since she's leaving in May, and is pretty inexperienced, wouldn't it make more sense to just see her through a termination process? As long as the "life coach mommy" is willing to work closely with the Trauma T and follow her lead, rather than work independently, I don't see a problem. My concern would be how your involvement with LCM T will be contained psychologically, and not impede your forming an attachment with the trauma T.

Yes, you got it right.

LCM T has been in charge in the past. I think now my school T's supervisor (whom I dislike/do not trust) is technically now in charge as LCM T said she needs to call her to talk about us continuing to work together before proceeding.

Here's the problem with me: I either attach really strongly to people or not at all. I've been working with trauma T since mid October and I feel nothing for her. I worked with my T from school for probably a year and a half before forming any sort of attachment and even then it was weak. I didn't have any other T's throughout that time to compete with her either.

Trauma T and LCM haven't spoken directly. LCM said she wants to be completely separate and not talk about trauma at all. She wants to exclusively do life management so she won't interfere with the other stuff. I don't really care as long as she's still there.

To be totally honest, I really don't care about anything. Like I know that me going back to former T when she is so inexperienced and is leaving soon is probably dumb, but at the same time, I don't actually care. I miss her, I want to talk to her, and I just don't care about later repercussions.

You see, I'm supposed to be doing so much better now. I did everything my school wanted so I can come back. Things are supposed to be better. And as far as they need to know, everything is great. I'm not hurting myself anymore, I'm not bothering anyone anymore, I'm just splendid. But the truth is, I've completely lost my ability to feel joy and the tiny amount of value I had in myself. I just don't care what happens anymore. I can't get myself to care or do anything when no one is there to hold me accountable for it. I didn't see anyone today so I literally did nothing to take care of myself. I didn't do anything explicitly harmful, but I didn't even feed myself beyond just the junk food in my nightstand. I just don't give a crap about anything anymore because every time I look in the mirror, the only thing I see is what my father probably saw: just a warm body. So my T situation is a mess and I just don't care. I still want LCM to be there, but I don't care what it does to me emotionally.

[shezbut]

Your perspective towards life doesn't sound real healthy to me. Sounds as though you're just going through the motions, hoping that other's "buy it". How does that help you? How do you know that you can make it through the next semester ~ or do you not care about that?

I think that this is what troubles me about you having several different mental health professionals (or soon to be pro's) working with you at one time. Each one is only seeing certain sides of you, and what you're going through. IMO, you really need one experienced T (in issues that affect you) as well as a pDoc. The two should be able to speak with one another openly about your case...in order to be certain that you're being treated properly and can rest assured that your health is improving.

I know that you don't like the idea of switching T's, but I highly encourage you to look into attending a clinic that has both pDocs and T's with the experience that you need. Other than that, a PCA (personal care attendant) that helps you out with life in general would also help you live healthily & support you like a friend...sort of. They have limits as to how much they can do for a client.

Please be honest with one of your T's ~ you need structured assistance...not this hodgepodge that's currently happening!

[growlithing]

Ugh things screwed up