Every time I walk into T's office I am happy and grateful to be there. I look forward to my appointments - usually, not always - and seeing T standing next to his chair and smiling at me fills me with a sense of security.

And then I lie down on the couch, and I turn into a different person. I may have rehearsed exactly what I want to say beforehand, but when I'm there, it feels as if the words are physically stuck in my throat. I react with fear and sometimes anger to the most innocuous statements from T. It's as if I constantly expect him to attack me - which, in a year and a half, he has never done, at all.

But the worst thing I do, I think, is when I get all coy and prevaricate like mad and almost expect him to draw things out of me, even when I want to talk about them and when I know that my behaviour is probably annoying for him and not at all constructive for me. As often as not, the result is that I don't say whatever it is that I have really planned on saying that day. I don't understand why I do this. I don't know if it would be a fruitful topic to bring up, or if I should just try to stop this behaviour. Not that trying to stop has helped me much, so far. If anything, I think I'm getting worse, despite everything T has said and done to show me that he is trustworthy.

Once or twice I've written down things that I really want T to know, and given him (or read it out loud in session). But I can't keep doing that, and in particular I want to be able to talk about things that come up during the session, without pre-planning them.

Ugh. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this thread, other than just a way to get this out into the open. I guess I'm not the only person who doesn't really like the version of themselves that comes out in therapy. That's the really worrying thing - if I'm trying to be open and honest when I'm in T, does that mean that this despicable being is who I really am, when I don't put on the charming pleasant act?

[someone321]

Thank you for sharing... I can relate to some parts - just before the session, I am happy that I'm almost in T's office and I have so much to tell him and I am a little bit worried that I won't have enough time and then I come in... I sit on the chair, my head is empty and I really don't want to be there anymore... Usually then I tell my T that I immediately forgot what I wanted to say (I think I don't forget I just don't want to say it anymore) but he does not worry about it, he prefers talking about whatever I want to and absolutely not about things which I prepared before the session... Thus, usually before I start talking about some easy not useful topics I calm down, count to 10 and start the first sentence about the first topic from my list... Of course I never manage to say it as nicely as I do in my minds before sessions but usually I can force myself to cover all topics from my list (sometimes I discover that something is not important anymore)...

[Aloneandafraid]

I have done exactly the same thing today and I am so angry with myself. I had so much to tell her and so much has happened since I last saw her but for some reason I just couldn't articulate it. I don't understand? I was so looking forward to seeing her again and counting the days until I could be in her office and feel her presence but it was such a disappointment. I really don't know if I should continue as I feel so bad now and have to wait another two weeks! Thank you for raising this - I relate and at least I know I am not the only one feeling this. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

You might consider showing him this original post to get this out in the open. There is probably a great chance this reaction is completely related to something in your past, and your T might be able to help you find the connection.

I think Chris' suggestion is a good one. In the meantime, while you work on this issue, why do you feel you cannot continue to write things? I understand wanting to be more able to address things in the moment, but while you're working on getting there, it seems that writing things down and using that as a jumping off place would be a good way to avoid feeling so frustrated with yourself. [just a suggestion, obviously]

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

But the worst thing I do, I think, is when I get all coy and prevaricate like mad and almost expect him to draw things out of me, even when I want to talk about them and when I know that my behaviour is probably annoying for him and not at all constructive for me.

I definitely do this too! Inside, I fight with myself to say something, to say what I know I need and truly want to say. But sometimes instead I remain silent or take extremely long pauses and draw out my answers to questions. I am well aware that it doesn't help and that my T is probably frustrated (and she has said that she was frustrated before). But it's like I'm just waiting for a reaction from her. I'm constantly testing her and waiting to see if she will snap and get angry or something.

Originally Posted by Mastodon

That's the really worrying thing - if I'm trying to be open and honest when I'm in T, does that mean that this despicable being is who I really am, when I don't put on the charming pleasant act?

This struck a chord with me because I've wondered this about myself as well. I think who we really are is never really definable or certain, so it's a difficult question, but that hasn't stopped me from thinking about it either. In a sense, you are showing an aspect of the real you in therapy because you are revealing what is inside: feelings that you've buried down or kept hidden. However, in no way does that mean that this is equated with being "despicable." Avoiding topics and being unable to fully trust your T is a sign that a part of you is hurting, probably from your past. It does not mean that you are weak, rude, or a lousy person. Your feelings are just reacting to the process, as it's painful, confusing, and even embarrassing to get things out in the open sometimes. You are not despicable for getting angry at your T. It seems to me that you are reacting less toward how awful T is as a person, and more toward how painful the therapy process is. So my answer to your question is that in a sense the way that you are acting does reflect a certain part of yourself because it is showing you that you need some healing. However, it does not define you in the sense that you should at all judge your character. Try not to judge your feelings positively or negatively.

[Elektra_]

well u need to tell him that. and figure out why cant u be open in therapy. tc

Thanks, all.

When I started with this T I found it almost impossible to speak about many subjects, and I have come a long way since then. I think what makes me most frustrated is the fact that I now know that I can talk, I just lose the ability I know I have (whereas previously, I did not think I even had the ability).

I think I probably will bring the first post, or some version of it, with me to T on Tuesday. I think that he already knows most of this, but maybe he doesn't know just how bad I feel about it. He is not (always) a mind reader.

And while I would never wish this state of mind on anybody, it's kind of good to know that others can relate.

[feralkittymom]

It's a familiar feeling. I think for me, a lot of it was a reenactment of past shame connected to the expression of feelings. I don't have any suggestion for getting past it other than continuing through it. But I don't think it has anything to do with a "real" you: it's just some aspects of a you in transition. Like developmental buttons being activated. I think these aspects of personality are transitory and developmental--not fixed traits.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

It's a familiar feeling. I think for me, a lot of it was a reenactment of past shame connected to the expression of feelings. I don't have any suggestion for getting past it other than continuing through it. But I don't think it has anything to do with a "real" you: it's just some aspects of a you in transition. Like developmental buttons being activated. I think these aspects of personality are transitory and developmental--not fixed traits.

Yes, there is a lot of shame about expressing (or having) feelings, for me. I grew up in a family where feelings were never mentioned at all, and the expression lf them always associated with shame. I was also beaten (once or twice) as a very young child for saying the wrong thing. My T knows that. I'm sure that's part of what makes me go into a hyper defensive mode in T's office, but I don't know how to deal with it...

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Every time I walk into T's office I am happy and grateful to be there. I look forward to my appointments - usually, not always - and seeing T standing next to his chair and smiling at me fills me with a sense of security.

And then I lie down on the couch, and I turn into a different person. I may have rehearsed exactly what I want to say beforehand, but when I'm there, it feels as if the words are physically stuck in my throat. I react with fear and sometimes anger to the most innocuous statements from T. It's as if I constantly expect him to attack me - which, in a year and a half, he has never done, at all.

But the worst thing I do, I think, is when I get all coy and prevaricate like mad and almost expect him to draw things out of me, even when I want to talk about them and when I know that my behaviour is probably annoying for him and not at all constructive for me. As often as not, the result is that I don't say whatever it is that I have really planned on saying that day. I don't understand why I do this. I don't know if it would be a fruitful topic to bring up, or if I should just try to stop this behaviour. Not that trying to stop has helped me much, so far. If anything, I think I'm getting worse, despite everything T has said and done to show me that he is trustworthy.

Once or twice I've written down things that I really want T to know, and given him (or read it out loud in session). But I can't keep doing that, and in particular I want to be able to talk about things that come up during the session, without pre-planning them.

Ugh. I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this thread, other than just a way to get this out into the open. I guess I'm not the only person who doesn't really like the version of themselves that comes out in therapy. That's the really worrying thing - if I'm trying to be open and honest when I'm in T, does that mean that this despicable being is who I really am, when I don't put on the charming pleasant act?

You explain this so well! I can really relate to this now that you've said it but hadn't put this whole phenomenon into words even in my own head. I don't like how infantile I feel and how much I hope that t will magically "get" me and I won't have to tell her embarrassing things. Sometimes I wish my T would just ask questions and not make me generate so much discussion on so many topics.

I wish I could walk in and have her say "hi FJ! Today we're going to discuss your relationship with your mother. Now I have a list of questions and you have an hour to get through them. Please put your books and calculator away and place two sharp pencils on the table next to you. There are no wrong answers but some are obviously much better than others so really try to dig below the surface. Are you ready?"

And then I would know what to do and I would find it very reassuring for her to take charge. I've found that some of my really good sessions have been times that I discussed things that I'd already written a lot about. On just a few occasions I've sent emails to my T explaining what I need to talk about and though I always feel a bit mortified when I do that (because the emails don't take the form of "next week I'd like to talk about x" but rather are long tortured tirades about how crazy I feel) it has been a very productive strategy.

So my advice to you is to lean in to your strength, don't fight it. You do well with writing, so write. You don't always have to choose the hardest way to do something or feel that doing what comes more easily to you is somehow cheating or second best. There is no single right way to do this. And you also don't need to be so harsh in your assessment of yourself. If this were really easy, if you could just comfortably explain everything in a well-thought out fully honest way, you probably would not need therapy; you could just put the whole damn thing in power point and be done with it!

[Freewilled]

I relate to this too...for me, it's like I'm watching myself do these things and it feels automatic. I hate putting my T in that position and sometimes I'm even angry with him for not helping me get out of it. But then I won't let him help me either so.....yeah.

I don't think it says anything bad about who you are at all. I think it shows that you have pain and being defensive is there for a reason. I know I don't have all the answers as I do this so often myself and haven't found a way out yet. I've had moments of peeking out during my therapy, but they have been fleeting and sometimes I go back inside and the next time I don't remember how I "did it."

I just wanted to tell you that I get it and know how excruciatingly frustrating and painful it can be. My T told me that there must be some part of me that wants or believes I need help or I wouldn't come back every week....that annoyed me a bit but I think he might have a point

Hope you are able to express this to your T maybe writing would be a good idea.

[coltranefanatic]

I'm so grateful for this thread. I...after 6 months know I become a different person in my T's office. I can't relax, I feel this need to make sure I always look cool to him, always seem in control, and like there's nothing wrong, which of course, is counter to why I go. I've cried a couple of times in front of him, and quickly sucked it up. Worst thing ever for the T to see me cry.

I feel hopeless around my T to be honest. I'm trying to stay with it, despite this horrific transference that feels like a hollow dull ache in my chest all the time when I think about my T or having to go back and face him. Lately all the music I listen to is reallllllllllly dark. I'm getting moody and unhappy. Hopefully this will all be over soon. I go back Thursday. Maybe I'll keep my sunglasses on.

Thanks again for your support. I have written a letter to my T, based on my first post here, and will bring it in to my session tomorrow. I'm slightly terrified, but I have to do it, I think, because this has just grown out of proportion inside my head since Thursday.

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

If this were really easy, if you could just comfortably explain everything in a well-thought out fully honest way, you probably would not need therapy; you could just put the whole damn thing in power point and be done with it!

I've tried to cling to this thought... it's true, I know it intellectually, I just wish I could also believe it.

Apologies for bumping this thread again. I want to process this morning's session a little and I'll do it here instead of starting another thread.

I gave the letter to T, and lay down on the couch while he was reading it, as I didn't want to stare at him as he was reading, much as I would have liked to see whether his facial expression changed at all. I was terrified at this point. I'd brought written stuff to T before, but this was harder than any of the other times - I was more open than I had been before, and I felt that I had a lot to lose, and maybe T would think that I was being too difficult, and yikes I wrote about him and how I feel secure around him and how embarrassing is that and now I want to lie under the couch instead...

...you get the picture...

When he had read it, he remarked that he was not about to agree with the word "despicable" to describe me, but otherwise he thought it was a good description of what's going on. We discussed it a little. It was a good discussion, and I felt that he had really read the letter and understood what I meant. It's hard to describe what a relief that was, but I think perhaps you can understand. I asked whether I focus too much on what goes on in T's office rather than what goes on outside it, and he replied - for the umpteenth time, I realised when he said it - that no, anything that comes up is a valid topic.

After that it got difficult, though. I can't quite remember what happened or what we were talking about (I think it may have been when he asked whether it's more difficult for me to talk about what goes on in therapy than what goes on outside it - well, duh, yes of course it is harder to talk about things that involve another person with that person!) but at one point I clammed up and could neither speak nor move, and got more and more tense and panicked. T asked quietly whether my reaction was the one I'd described in my text, where I can't communicate and just try to kep in one piece. I nodded "yes" and felt like a huge fraud. Clearly I was able to communicate. Maybe T would think that I was just acting like that because I'd written about it? I think I said something about how much I worried that he would come to the conclusion that I'm not strong enough for therapy because I react like that.

From there we started to talk about disapproval. How I get defensive and scared, and how I always expect disapproval, from him, and from everybody else. He said several things that amounted to "No, Mastodon, I do not disapprove of you as a human being". So I decided to trust him and let him know something that happened recently which I had decided I would not tell him. He did not explode, or tell me I'm a horrible person - I'm a bit surprised at his reaction actually. (I'm not going to go into what it was, here.) He did ask me a lot of questions though, and at this point I tensed up again and felt almost as if I was not quite inside my body any longer, and T just kept on asking me things and I guess I responded in a normal tone of voice although all I wanted to do at that moment was to roll up in a small ball and howl. I did not get back to normal before my time was up, and I was not feeling so great when I left. It's been several hours since then and by now I'm okay. But the last ten minutes were some of the hardest I've spent in therapy, I think, and I really don't think T realised that.

Oh dear. Wall of text. I don't expect anybody to read this far, to be honest, but I guess I needed to write this.

[granite1]

I did read it all mast and it sounds like an incredibly emotional and hard session. it is miserable when you don't have a chance to normalize by the end of your session. good job though sticking it through him reading and talking about what was in your letter .and trusting him enough to tell him what happened. I wish I had more I could say to help you feel better but I don't have the words . but many many hugs

[Aloneandafraid]

Well done Mast. Your session sounds very productive and intense. Thank you so much for sharing. It's really interesting to read and relate to. I much appreciate you taking the time to share. Thank you. Good work! I'm sure you are exhausted now?xx

Yes, exhausted is right. Thank you for reading and responding, aaa and granite. That means a lot to me.

I might try to write something more coherent tomorrow... now it's bedtime.

I had an amazingly good session this morning. It was difficult - it always is - but I felt heard, and I was able to tell T about some of the things that made Tuesday's session so hard, and how I was feeling after I'd left, and even about what I would like from him. I could get used to this "unconditional acceptance" thingy.

I feel physically lighter now.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I had an amazingly good session this morning. It was difficult - it always is - but I felt heard, and I was able to tell T about some of the things that made Tuesday's session so hard, and how I was feeling after I'd left, and even about what I would like from him. I could get used to this "unconditional acceptance" thingy.

I feel physically lighter now.

That's brilliant, Mast! I am so pleased for you - well done. It is really encouraging. I am about to go to my session. I am feeling really down about it and totally unsupported. I hope I can articulate as well as you did and hopefully feel a connection - an unconditional acceptance would be fantastic! Thanks Mast - you have inspired me!

[SeekerOfLife]

One time I had to tell my T. that when I am there in therapy, that is the best I ever am. That is, the rest of my days are extremely difficult. When she sees me it may appear that I am doing well, but I guess what is actually showing up is hope and security.