Possible trigger warning

Yogix · 02:27 AM

Please don't read if you feel you may be triggered.

I haven't felt suicidal in a very, VERY long time, but sometimes when I'm driving I have a weird thought about driving into things. For example, I'll get a thought out of nowhere that says drive into the tree, or pole. Not to kill myself, but just to do it. It's so, so weird. I want to tell T about it, and to find out why it comes up for me, but I don't want her to break confidentiality because it, I assume, can be related to suicide - but it doesn't feel that way.

How do you guys think a T would react?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Freewilled · Jan 10, 2014, 08:03 PM

I'm really not sure how a T would react, so can't help there...but I have the same thing where I have an urge to run the car into traffic or a ditch or over the bridge or whatever. When it happens to me though, I do want to die.

Since you are not suicidal though, if you tell your T that and reassure him you have no intention of harming yourself - I would think it should be ok.

Willowleaf · Jan 10, 2014, 08:07 PM

I have exactly the same thoughts, but mine are related to suicide or more just making the pain stop. I do however think these kind of thoughts can be normal as well as I have a friend and we both always have an urge to throw ourselves off ferries, even when we are in great moods. It seems to be just a random thought that comes into our heads the way things do sometimes. I can't believe we're alone with these thoughts.

sweepy62 · Jan 10, 2014, 08:07 PM

I have had feelings like that, but not an actual plan, just a random thing, I have told my t, we just discuss it, she makes sure im safe and there is no plan. Im starting to get those again with th current stress, but since im transitioning into a new t, I dont have alone time with t till the end of the month, I wont mention it to new t, but it depends on your relationship with ur t.

Karrebear · Jan 10, 2014, 10:03 PM

I think the same thing quite often. I can't say for sure but if you explain it just as you did here, T would probably just want to explore your feelings about it. Id be surprised if she hospitalized you..

Jan 10, 2014, 10:25 PM

Maybe it is OCD?

Aside from OCD, the way I am thinking of this is that if you have an unconscious fear of crashing, the compulsion to end the fear would be to actually drive into the tree or pole. Irrational, but still a "solution" to the fear that your mind cannot filter out.

I think the same of my fear of heights. Maybe the fear drives itself in the same way.

Yogix · Jan 10, 2014, 11:43 PM

Wow. Thanks everyone for their responses! I said wow because I didn't know so many people thought the same things.

I don't know where it comes from. Even when I'm in great moods (as mentioned above) sometimes I just have the thought to crash.

It would be interesting to explore where these thoughts are coming from.

I do want to address it with T, but out of fear I don't want to. Meh.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

willowbrook · Jan 10, 2014, 11:57 PM

I get the same thing. I'm not diagnosed with OCD, because my symptoms aren't serious enough to cause significant interference with my life, but my Pdoc does consider that I have OCD tendencies. The type of thoughts you're describing sound like 'intrusive thoughts'. Sometimes I'll be standing on the platform waiting for a train, and out of nowhere my mind will just go 'jump in front of the train' or if I'm waiting to cross the road my mind will suddenly say 'step in front of a truck'. It's not the same as when you are having suicidal ideations & you have the odd fantasy about throwing yourself under a bus, these are thoughts that just spring into your head with no rhyme or reason.

Intrusive thoughts - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Yogix · Jan 11, 2014, 12:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willowbrook

I get the same thing. I'm not diagnosed with OCD, because my symptoms aren't serious enough to cause significant interference with my life, but my Pdoc does consider that I have OCD tendencies. The type of thoughts you're describing sound like 'intrusive thoughts'. Sometimes I'll be standing on the platform waiting for a train, and out of nowhere my mind will just go 'jump in front of the train' or if I'm waiting to cross the road my mind will suddenly say 'step in front of a truck'. It's not the same as when you are having suicidal ideations & you have the odd fantasy about throwing yourself under a bus, these are thoughts that just spring into your head with no rhyme or reason.

Intrusive thoughts - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Thanks for sharing the intrusive thoughts idea. I think that's really what it is, and I'm going to check out that link. It all just seems so weird to me. Why would I think those things? It feels like they're being placed in my mind from some outside source, and as quick as they come into my mind, as quick as they leave.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

willowbrook · Jan 11, 2014, 12:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yogix

Thanks for sharing the intrusive thoughts idea. I think that's really what it is, and I'm going to check out that link. It all just seems so weird to me. Why would I think those things? It feels like they're being placed in my mind from some outside source, and as quick as they come into my mind, as quick as they leave.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah, it's like they just come out of nowhere, like the thoughts just jump into your brain and you're standing there going 'WTF? where did that come from'

It's a positive sign though that the thoughts leave as quickly as they come. Sometimes when intrusive thoughts are particularly disturbing you can tend to start ruminating about them, and then that can lead to the more classic OCD form of trying to ritualise to make the thoughts go away. If they are just fleeting thoughts then that is far easier to treat, or so I believe anyway. I'd definitely bring them up with your T next session.

growlithing · Jan 11, 2014, 04:36 AM

Meh I think everyone gets these thoughts. Even "healthy" people. I just call these spontaneous stupid ideas out brains just kinda pump out. The difference would be if you were 1) concerned you'd ever actually act out on it or 2) there was some suicidal desire driving it.

Sometimes, I'll be driving and I'll think to myself "man I'm the one controlling this thing. I could just drive off the bridge if I wanted to. What would happen? It'd be so cool! Wait no that's a terrible idea". And it's different than "I feel so terrible I want to drive off this bridge and never feel anything again". I also experience wanting to physically go through the motions of killing myself but not dying. Like I physically want to do some specific graphic plan and die, but not die forever. T thinks it is me wanting to express some extreme self hatred. But all three are very different and are at varying levels of concern. I think a T would handle your thoughts quite well.

Jan 11, 2014, 05:15 AM

I use to visualise walking under a bus. T listened as I talked it out. I've often told of my thoughts. She held them. They're less frequent now.

someone321 · Jan 11, 2014, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willowbrook

I get the same thing. I'm not diagnosed with OCD, because my symptoms aren't serious enough to cause significant interference with my life, but my Pdoc does consider that I have OCD tendencies. The type of thoughts you're describing sound like 'intrusive thoughts'. Sometimes I'll be standing on the platform waiting for a train, and out of nowhere my mind will just go 'jump in front of the train' or if I'm waiting to cross the road my mind will suddenly say 'step in front of a truck'. It's not the same as when you are having suicidal ideations & you have the odd fantasy about throwing yourself under a bus, these are thoughts that just spring into your head with no rhyme or reason.

Intrusive thoughts - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Thanks for sharing, I have exactly the same thoughts waiting for a train and crossing the streets as you described... And I also know that I would never make my thoughts actually happenning... However, I'm still not sure about sharing them with my T because I'm not sure if my assuring him that I'm absolutely not suicidal would convince him that I am really not...

Perna · Jan 11, 2014, 09:33 AM

I use to have those thoughts all the time driving to work when I was in my early 20's and still living with my parents, etc. I think you should discuss it with your/a therapist. Thoughts are not actions and can be "about" many things (kind of like dreams and their symbolism). What your thoughts may be telling you or helping you with (yes, helping, if you are trying to protect yourself from breakthrough thoughts of bad things that have happened to you in the past, etc., getting the sudden thought to drive into "that" tree would certainly take your mind off that, wouldn't it?) should be discussed, all of them. Thinking about death or suicide is not a horrible thing, as scary as it can be, it's the "planning", the "doing" that needs immediate intervention. Remind yourself of little kids and how they can be so angry they wish their mother were dead? It's the same sort of thing, only grownup style.

SoupDragon · Jan 11, 2014, 02:18 PM

When l get worried about some of the thoughts I have, T reminds me of the minds of authors, film producers (think scary horror fiIms), that all sorts of people have all sorts of thoughts. Just because we have a thought, it doesn't mean we want to carry it out in real life.

Yogix · Jan 14, 2014, 02:24 AM

Thanks everyone so much. It definitely helps to see it in perspective of it being so similar to little kids wanting to kill their moms of anger or same thing from movies and real life.

I made a promise to myself that no matter how scary, I will discuss with T on Wednesday about this. Wish me luck!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk