[DelusionsDaily]

So, I'm not sure I have mentioned this but T officially went on maternity leave last weekend. So right now it's just group DBT. I have managed really well so far.

However, I have noticed I'm extremely hard on myself if I'm not right on top of all the DBT stuff I do. I mean my T says I do more than most and should be proud of myself and I should see great payoffs but all I focus on is when I've messed it up somehow. It utterly ridiculous and I know that but I can't seem to find a way to stop those extremely critical thoughts. Any ideas? I wish I had a shut-off valve for these irrational, untrue thoughts.

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[Petra5ed]

You have to find a way to cut off the negative self talk because it will only hurt you in the long run. I know it's easier said than done. Every time you catch yourself doing it you need to tell yourself it's not true! You might want to try group meditation or like yoga.

[Freewilled]

I don't know, Melissa I have a similar problem. Although I'm not in a DBT group, but any kind of self-help or CBT skills etc. that I try, I end up being super critical about my efforts not being good enough. Or I make a mistake and eventually I give up. Then I feel worse about myself and it's all the more difficult to try again. I think it's shame-related for me. I really want to get to the core issue because I am EXHAUSTED from trying so damn hard at everything in my life and ending up a failure. Sometimes I feel like therapy is my last chance because I'm so filled with despair.

Do you think that you fear messing up? Is there a time in the past where this feeling was prominent for you? How long is your therapist on leave for? I think practicing fighting the negative thoughts is a good suggestion. It's so very hard I know

[unaluna]

Hey if you do any homework at all, its a million times more than most dbt group people, ime. You know you're really doing great.

[Favorite Jeans]

After thinking about how you messed up you can also say to yourself:

"On the other hand, I did really well at X today"

or

"Maybe I could have done better but think how I handled this kind of thing last year. Today was a huge improvent over that."

or

"well, this is hard stuff. No one gets it all right all of the time."

You can reflect on what you wish you had done differently without telling yourself you suck. Being self-critical is important, it's what motivates us to grow and change but it can take the form of a gentle reminder rather than a punitive belittling inner voice. You've done a helluva job Melissa and you listened to your own instincts about the last care team and went and found something that works better for you and you've just put your all into it. That's pretty cool. Think about that next time you find your inner voice saying something mean about you.

[healingme4me]

A sense of perfectionism can come from being an adult child of dysfunction.

This just brought to mind something, and I hope, after I am done writing it out, it relates and pertains, but here goes...(I write this out, because I am truly trying to pinpoint the time in my life, where everything just clicked, connected and I stopped being that super sensitive, can't stand it when other's see me as making mistakes, cry at the drop of a feather type of person...I know it was roughly sometime between son #2 ('05, '06', '07)and son #3, or a little after son #3 was born))

I work with a group of women, and we are spaced out throughout varying locations. We have a business manager that stops in from time to time. I also, work with a woman, who floats between two various locations, and something this woman pointed out to me, and reading your post, has me thinking...

I was informed, that everytime the business manager, stops in, at another location, the manager there, is practically in tears. Now, I know, that the business manager, treats everyone pretty much the same. Myself, included, believe me, I've seen her rave at me and rage at me.

Things can get super critical, where I work. It's been noted by this woman, that floats between two locations, that things roll off my shoulders, they cannot tell, if I've been reprimanded or not. And the other manager, each time, super stressed, reduced to tears, and to see her, occasionally, this other manager, I'd have no idea, that's HER reacting in that way?! Blows, my mind!

Hence, my reflecting on this, as you write, about feeling oh so tough on yourself, for not nailing this DBT homework and therapy, each and every time.

The other manager, she's likeable, most certainly. She's personable, great with the kids. No doubt about it. But something about the way, the business manager approaches her, really, gets to her, on a deeper emotional level. I've seen some of the other managers, affected a little more emotionally, barring the two that trained me and I worked, 'for' at my prior location. I tend to get more flustered by the director and less by the business manager. And lots of these reactions, can be attributed, to how we were all treated in our pasts. The business manager, in some ways, reminds me of my mom, director, haven't quite pinpointed it, but it's there...

So, this not nailing your homework, these changes, take time. It is little by little. At one point, things will start clicking. To recover from what you have, isn't like it's shape shifting or anything, and it's so very intangible, on many levels. And, seeing where this need to have it done right, all the time, comes from somewhere, hence the negative self talk. If there's a critical point, it's a reflection on circumstance, not overall character.

Be gentle on yourself. Mindfulness, isn't a science, it's an art.

[sweepy62]

I agree with the above posters you have come a long way, and your t will be back in no time. You need to fight those negative thoughts.

I'm trying to do the same, it's what you would tell me, and I'm an emotional mess ATM and I don't have support at home but I'm not giving up, so keep fighting Melissa .

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[curious george]

A few people in my t group started using a book that my T recommended, and are having good results with it. I just got the book & am starting to read it. It's a "how to" book that you can use for various thoughts & feelings, especially intrusive thoughts ... and from what I understand, it's easy to do immediately.

You need to practice the 5 tools in order for it to work

Be kind to yourself & do what you can & as my T has said to me,
"Things take time."
"Take your time."

The book:
"THE TOOLS" by Phil Stutz & Barry Michels