[Yogix]

So, I do get on really well with my T, but I never "miss her" so to speak. I do enjoy each session, and the time that I do spend with her during that time. I've never been mad at her either, but yesterday....

After having read a journal entry I had written about a really traumatic experience which she had asked me to read to her, she shortly after asked if I was scared to get better. I replied no, but sometimes I feel like when I get to a happy state, that even though I know it won't last forever, sometimes I can't help but think that. And I said that when I feel happy, I feel like the next "crash" will be worse than the one before it.

We talked a bit about that, and then out popped "I don't want you to think that I will abandon you when you're happy. You can come and tell me all the happy things," etc etc.

That made me SO mad. But I couldn't process it with her, because at the time I didn't even label it as mad. Just as utterly confused.

But now that I think about it, it makes me pissed. I just don't know why she said that and I feel like it's accusing me of wanting to feel this way. I feel like she's accusing me of being "stuck" depressed, or self-hateful, what have you.

And when she said I won't abandon you, that drove me insane. I rarely text/email between sessions, and when I do they are about scheduling or payment questions... So it's not like I show any signs of dependence on her.

I don't know. I feel like I'm overreacting. Sorry for the rant. I just don't know how I feel about it.

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[unaluna]

Were you allowed to miss your mother or father when you were growing up, or was there some problem? Cus "normal" kids and people do miss other people. I feel like i had it trained out of me at a very young age, so my t keeps trying to build it back in. It is okay to be dependent - thats where you learn to trust someone. But it is so hard trying to learn this as an adult.

[Leah123]

I can relate to a lot of this, and wanted to tell you my understanding of a similar experience I've had in therapy.

My therapist believes, in my case, that happiness was pathologized, because of the way abuse was mixed in with caring, trauma was mixed in with attachment. So, I've noticed that sometimes I do get anxious about success or breakthroughs, thinking, like you do, it won't last, that something bad will happen. As we've been working through traumas in my life, for example, I recall one day, having a great breakthrough, and feeling so energized I went for a long walk, but feeling so happy stirred up memories of some very unpleasant things, as if freeing myself up caused good and bad things, intertwined, to come to the surface, which is hard sometimes.

She's told me something similar, that I don't have to worry about losing her if I have happy things to report, and that she likes that too, but she's with me and accepting no matter how I'm feeling or what's happening.

Like you, I definitely am not stuck and am not invested in staying ill. I've made rapid progress in therapy, but even that gives me cause for pessimism, haha, which is a symptom of my PTSD along with other things.

I don't believe your therapist was trying to goad you, I'm thinking she meant something similar to what mine did, that it's hard for you to have faith that good things will last or that good things can happen without bad ones following. I personally did not get the sense that she was at all accusing you of being overly dependent on her, but when they hit sore spots like that, which make us angry, I think there's excellent insights to be gained.

I do encourage you to tell her how you feel and I hope she can explain herself in a way that helps you feel better.

[HazelGirl]

I think that anger points to something inside of you that's either afraid or threatened by the idea that you would miss your T. It's a good idea to explore why you reacted to such a kind comment so angrily.

[Yogix]

Originally Posted by hankster

Were you allowed to miss your mother or father when you were growing up, or was there some problem? Cus "normal" kids and people do miss other people. I feel like i had it trained out of me at a very young age, so my t keeps trying to build it back in. It is okay to be dependent - thats where you learn to trust someone. But it is so hard trying to learn this as an adult.

It is really hard to learn as an adult. I'm not sure I remember whether I was or wasn't allowed to miss them. This does seem like something I should explore though.

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[Yogix]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I can relate to a lot of this, and wanted to tell you my understanding of a similar experience I've had in therapy.

My therapist believes, in my case, that happiness was pathologized, because of the way abuse was mixed in with caring, trauma was mixed in with attachment. So, I've noticed that sometimes I do get anxious about success or breakthroughs, thinking, like you do, it won't last, that something bad will happen. As we've been working through traumas in my life, for example, I recall one day, having a great breakthrough, and feeling so energized I went for a long walk, but feeling so happy stirred up memories of some very unpleasant things, as if freeing myself up caused good and bad things, intertwined, to come to the surface, which is hard sometimes.

She's told me something similar, that I don't have to worry about losing her if I have happy things to report, and that she likes that too, but she's with me and accepting no matter how I'm feeling or what's happening.

Like you, I definitely am not stuck and am not invested in staying ill. I've made rapid progress in therapy, but even that gives me cause for pessimism, haha, which is a symptom of my PTSD along with other things.

I don't believe your therapist was trying to goad you, I'm thinking she meant something similar to what mine did, that it's hard for you to have faith that good things will last or that good things can happen without bad ones following. I personally did not get the sense that she was at all accusing you of being overly dependent on her, but when they hit sore spots like that, which make us angry, I think there's excellent insights to be gained.

I do encourage you to tell her how you feel and I hope she can explain herself in a way that helps you feel better.

Thank you. This post have me a lot to think about. Maybe I do need to explore these areas, as now that I look back on my own post, it really seems like something must be behind the anger, because rationally I know what she said was in the kindest and sincere way.

Thank you for writing this.

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[Yogix]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I think that anger points to something inside of you that's either afraid or threatened by the idea that you would miss your T. It's a good idea to explore why you reacted to such a kind comment so angrily.

Yeah, as much as I don't want to explore it, because I almost feel embarrassed of what may come of it, I know I should.

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[Gabbage]

My therapist has told me I don't know it yet but unconsciously I am scared he is going to abandon me. Such a sweeping statement. I felt quite offended and this is from the same therapist who told me I need to make him an significant person in my life for it to work. Honestly I think he needs more reassurance then me!

[Topiarysurvivor]

My mom taught me that people who seemed completely happy were faking it. So I never saw happiness as a goal.

It is so scary to think that I might I have tried to teach my kids things, and that they might have turned what I was trying to teach them completely around like I did this.