[misskrome]

If this posted twice, sorry. Load error.

I want to post something I've been going through but it is extremely disturbing. I desperately need some feedback on it but I get a feeling that non-professionals shouldn't read it. It's really really disturbing, I mean like graphic. Should I post it here or is there a private place where only doctors can read this? I would tell my doc in the morning (I'm going to see him), but I am very very sure it will get me locked up again. I have PTSD from being locked up in mental institutions for the duration of 7 years and want to stay as far away from that as possible, but I can't hold this in anymore. How do I tell them and convince them that I mean it when I say that nothing bad will happen? I have a feeling that bad things will happen if I do get locked up for telling them but if they let me go, things will be the same as they have been for the past 4 years/ incident-free. I also have a feeling that, if I get locked up again, it will be permanent. I have people/pets who rely on me. I can't let them down. I have to be here. What if they take me away from her? Sounds an awful lot like hell to me. I can't be away from her. She is the one who has been keeping me in line. She has kept me very strong. Just thinking about never being able to see her again is freaking me out, seriously. I mean pure panic. How can I convince them that, no matter what disturbing words come out of my mouth, that reflection does not necessarily mean intention?

I figured that someone professional could just listen to me here, but couldn't find me. I need to talk to someone about this but, like I said, it's not something I would post in a forum full of vulnerable people. I wouldn't want to disturb anyone. It's a huge, long journal entry, anyway. Do I still have rights as a second class citizen? Are mental institutions still as horrid as they were back in the 90s? I'm so nervous and considering dropping treatment at this new place because the possibility scares me half to death. I have to just remember to put on my 'not me' face. Works every time but means I will still have to keep this thing inside. I'm in so much pain. The appointment is in a few hours and I'm terrified. Last time, I blew it when I had a panic attack. I asked them to turn the lights off so I could feel safe but they wouldn't. I asked them why they had to have lights as bright as the sun and not muted lamps and they said they weren't bright. I'm so scared. If I don't go, then decide to go later, they will make me wait in the walk-in clinic for hours, meaning I will have to be in that building for hours. No, seriously, I'm terrified and it's in a few hours.

[stopdog]

I don't think there is a place on this site where only professionals can read what a poster writes.
It sounds rough. I don't know of any suggestions except maybe trying a hotline or an online therapist sort of site.

[misskrome]

I would but they know where I live so that's not an option but appreciate the notice. Looks like I'll be taking my torment to my grave. Probably as it should be. There are some things that should never be spoken.

[owlpride]

I would but they know where I live so that's not an option but appreciate the notice.

Why could you not call a crisis hotline? You could call one in the US if there's none in your country. (Many crisis lines have caller ID and can identify their callers, but there are some that are completely anonymous. PM me if you'd like an anonymous number.)

[someone321]

I think that you could post it here (with a trigger icon and warning why it's triggering so that vulnerable people won't read it) if you need an emotional support... If you prefer more professional place, you could choose "Clyde's corner" (PC subforum). If you want to write a question only to a therapist, from main PC forum go to "ask" (from the top of the webpage) - there you can ask a question to a therapist...

[rothfan6]

Check out talktala.com That's what I use.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by someone321

I think that you could post it here (with a trigger icon and warning why it's triggering so that vulnerable people won't read it) if you need an emotional support... If you prefer more professional place, you could choose "Clyde's corner" (PC subforum). If you want to write a question only to a therapist, from main PC forum go to "ask" (from the top of the webpage) - there you can ask a question to a therapist...

I agree with this answer. A trigger icon is a good idea, and I normally start a post with ***Trigger Warning for (whatever the issue is)***. So if its CSA, i'd put ***Trigger Warning for CSA*** etc..it helps people avoid that thread if they don't want to read.