[Canyon]

It is 1:30 AM; I'm supposed to go to therapy this afternoon and even at this late time I'm still up debating going to therapy, going on period.

I think I'm ambivalent about pretty much everything right now. On one hand I want to never go to therapy again because I just can't seem to connect with anyone on any level. On the other hand I really want to go and try to work out what is making me so miserable.

I feel like the old Shakespeare question: "to be or not to be, that is the question". Things have just come down to whether I want to even go on anymore. I feel like going to therapy would be my way of saying that I plan to go on. I feel like going to therapy with the idea in my head that I'm just going to choose to not go on would not be genuine.

I am so torn about everything right now. I wish I didn't leave therapy every time so disappointed. I don't know what exactly I expect. I have seen this T for almost 3 years now... still every time I go it feels like a first visit.

I think that my former t/pdoc really sort of screwed me up by getting waaaaay too close and personally invested in my life and issues.

[Victoria'smom]

How often do you go to therapy? You may want to go 2x a week. Have you thought about writing daily like you had therapy imagining what s/he would say? When I don't want to go is when I really need to go.

[Canyon]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

How often do you go to therapy? You may want to go 2x a week. Have you thought about writing daily like you had therapy imagining what s/he would say? When I don't want to go is when I really need to go.

I go once a week right now. When I first starting seeing him he said that it would be impossible to see him more than one time a week. He did mention a few months ago that I might have to start seeing him more than once a week but nothing ever come of it. I think mostly because I would not be able to afford the other time. Right now it is hard to swing the one time a week that I am scheduled.

I have been doing some writing. I have also written him some emails when things get really bad. He is really good about responding most of the times.

[CantExplain]

Are you on any medication?

[Canyon]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Are you on any medication?

At this time I'm not really on any psych meds. When I overdosed a few months ago they took me off of everything while inpatient. Since I got out of the hospital, I have pretty much stayed in my apartment except for the times that I make it out to go to therapy. I have not been back to my Pdoc since the overdose and hospitalization.

BTW, thank you very much for responding. I appreciate when someone takes the time to do that, I don't get a lot of responses.

[jacq10]

How did it go?

[Canyon]

Originally Posted by jacq10

How did it go?

I'm a bit embarrassed to admit that I didn't make it to therapy yesterday (although with good reason). I also have a physical handicap due to a brain injury that leaves me with some movement issues. Since we have had a lot of snow recently, my car was pretty much piled with snow all around it from plowing and others shoveling their parking spot into mine. I was unable to get to my car due to this. We have rescheduled to later this week when I hope that some incoming rain will have washed away most of the snow and make it possible for me to get to it.

I have come to the realization that I really do want to make the new appt later this week. I want to try to get out of this house and hear a human's voice in person, rather than on TV.

Thank you too for taking the time to respond. I really do appreciate it.

[jacq10]

Well that certainly sounds like a valid reason - though, it would have been ok even if you didn't have one

I'm happy to hear that you're looking forward to your appointment later this week. I hope it goes well for you, and that you're able to get there ok.

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by Canyon

It is 1:30 AM; I'm supposed to go to therapy this afternoon and even at this late time I'm still up debating going to therapy, going on period.

I think I'm ambivalent about pretty much everything right now. On one hand I want to never go to therapy again because I just can't seem to connect with anyone on any level. On the other hand I really want to go and try to work out what is making me so miserable.

I feel like the old Shakespeare question: "to be or not to be, that is the question". Things have just come down to whether I want to even go on anymore. I feel like going to therapy would be my way of saying that I plan to go on. I feel like going to therapy with the idea in my head that I'm just going to choose to not go on would not be genuine.

I am so torn about everything right now. I wish I didn't leave therapy every time so disappointed. I don't know what exactly I expect. I have seen this T for almost 3 years now... still every time I go it feels like a first visit.

I think that my former t/pdoc really sort of screwed me up by getting waaaaay too close and personally invested in my life and issues.

Hello Canyon-

I can really relate to your ambivalence. I can also relate to the reasons you have for your ambivalence. I'm in a particularly bad place right now-feeling that there isn't any hope for me-so that part of your post was especially powerful and struck me very emotionally. I have not been in therapy for a few years now because of the damaging experiences that transpired. I have been trying to go through the healing process alone which is difficult as well. I wish I had some kind of helpful advice for you. I can only say that I do understand and I'm here if you ever want to message me and talk about all of this. I wish you the peace and happiness that you so deserve.

[Canyon]

Originally Posted by CrimsonBlues

Hello Canyon-

I can really relate to your ambivalence. I can also relate to the reasons you have for your ambivalence. I'm in a particularly bad place right now-feeling that there isn't any hope for me-so that part of your post was especially powerful and struck me very emotionally. I have not been in therapy for a few years now because of the damaging experiences that transpired. I have been trying to go through the healing process alone which is difficult as well. I wish I had some kind of helpful advice for you. I can only say that I do understand and I'm here if you ever want to message me and talk about all of this. I wish you the peace and happiness that you so deserve.

I'm sorry to hear that you also feel the things that I have expressed here. I'm really sorry that you are in a bad place at this time.

I can understand why you have been trying to go it alone for a few years. Sometimes if such an intimate trust, such as the trust given to a therapist is broken, it can take a great while to even consider trying to trust on that level again. I left therapy for 12 years after I had my bad experience.

I did eventually go back. I can honestly say that I think my T is a really trustworthy guy. After seeing him for 3 years I can say that I don't have the feeling that he would betray my trust. It is just when you have been hurt in such a way, it can be nearly impossible to become really connected to a T again.

I'm still trying really hard. I don't want to allow my former T/Pdoc pigeonhole every therapist or the entire mental health profession because of their inability to respect professional boundaries. I hope that if you continue to feel this way, you will be able to give it a try as well. It is so very hard though and understandable if you don't feel that you are there yet.

[CrimsonBlues]

Thank you for your thoughtful words, Canyon. I'm glad to hear that your current therapist is trustworthy. I don't know if I will ever feel safe enough to return to therapy. And, if I did-as you said-I don't know if I would be able to really connect with the therapist. Do you talk about your prior therapy experiences with your current therapist? By the way, I meant to write this in my last post-the dog on your posts is SO cute!!

[Canyon]

We haven't really discussed it (the incident with the T/Pdoc) in any detail. He knows that what they did from my records.

I think it would probably be good to really explain the affect that it has had on me.