Sometimes I wonder how I let myself become so vulnerable with former T.

He had a lot of power over me. Not that I was completely powerless and helpless, it's just that my needs were so strong that he could have easily taken advantage of me or hurt me. Our work has allowed me to be much better with relationships. I've come along way, but still have issues with being content with myself.

It's not the same with current T who I've been seeing for 3-4 months now. It doesn't seem so much like it's my defenses but more like resistance where I don't want to get that attached and go through that level of dependency again. it's been a conscious choice.

If I've worked through all that with last T, but finished prematurely (was 3 years into it)..is it really necessary to have the strong attachment again, or will I just be bringing about my own suffering? Seriously wondering....

[HazelGirl]

I don't know. If the problems weren't resolved, you may have to go through it again until you learn to be securely attached rather than insecurely attached.

autumn,
Maybe it should be done properly this time like hazel girl suggests so you can attach securely and really experience what a safe attachment feels like! That in itself would be healing.

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[rainbow8]

I don't know the answer but I know that I've attached to my Ts in different ways. I felt like I was obsessed with 3 out of 5 of them but never had the chance to experience the attachment fully, and to resolve it.

I think my only secure attachment has been with my current T, and I'm making my way to internalizing her caring about me so that I can let go of her physically, while keeping her "inside of me" emotionally. I believe that if you haven't resolved the attachment, it's going to keep coming up in some way in your life, so it would probably be in your best interest NOT to fight it. Just my opinion, of course.

[PeeJay]

I don't know how you let your guard down, in practice. The thought of doing so makes me physically ill.

Being that vulnerable with a paid professional, or anyone else, feels like a weight I can't lift. Maybe it's impossible for some of us?

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I don't know how you let your guard down, in practice. The thought of doing so makes me physically ill.

Being that vulnerable with a paid professional, or anyone else, feels like a weight I can't lift. Maybe it's impossible for some of us?

I have felt this way, too....like maybe it's too much for me to do it. My T IS a paid professional, after all. It's almost like one has to be able to "forget" that for a minute for the brain to benefit from the attachment but my brain does not forget. Ever.

Personally, I see psychotherapy as an art that is always changing. They don't know everything so that's why theories and techniques and best practices etc. etc. change over the years. So it can't all be the client's fault, IMO. I also think attachment has to happen super slow for some people. So therapists must commit for the long haul. Only in real life, people move, change jobs, burn out, and so on so it's not always possible. Plus, the cost is a lot for therapy. And if insurance is involved, they expect results much faster. I know, for me, I most likely need a lot more time. Time I hope my T truly has and isn't just saying he has in the hopes it will allow me to attach more quickly as part of he process /:

[HazelGirl]

My T has said that no amount of money will control whether she cares about her clients. For her, it has nothing to do with money. I know that's hard for some people to accept (and it may not be true for some therapists), but I do know at least some T's who care do so regardless of the money.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

My T has said that no amount of money will control whether she cares about her clients. For her, it has nothing to do with money. I know that's hard for some people to accept (and it may not be true for some therapists), but I do know at least some T's who care do so regardless of the money.

I get that and I know she is sincere with you. But if the money stopped, so would the therapy.

Now, it's not a way to get rich, being a T, but it's also not family.

I have no idea how one goes about forgetting this truth so that one can attach securely. And maybe it is inadvisable to ever deviate too much from reality.

So to circle back to the OP: Is attachment and vulnerability truly necessary? I guess it depends on your goals. But for me to do so would feel as if I were trying to fool myself. And yet, I long for it, too.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I get that and I know she is sincere with you. But if the money stopped, so would the therapy.

Now, it's not a way to get rich, being a T, but it's also not family.

I have no idea how one goes about forgetting this truth so that one can attach securely. And maybe it is inadvisable to ever deviate too much from reality.

So to circle back to the OP: Is attachment and vulnerability truly necessary? I guess it depends on your goals. But for me to do so would feel as if I were trying to fool myself. And yet, I long for it, too.

No, actually it wouldn't. I pay her what I can. Sometimes it's her full price and sometimes it's nothing. I also have a lot of out of appointment contact that I don't pay anything for. I am so grateful, and I know she's worth more than what I pay her, but I am not afraid that if something were to happen, she would go away. She wouldn't.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

No, actually it wouldn't. I pay her what I can. Sometimes it's her full price and sometimes it's nothing. I also have a lot of out of appointment contact that I don't pay anything for. I am so grateful, and I know she's worth more than what I pay her, but I am not afraid that if something were to happen, she would go away. She wouldn't.

Oh wow, well that changes things. I do not have that. Not even close.

In case anyone was wondering, I did shorten my name from Autumn Skies to skies.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't know. If the problems weren't resolved, you may have to go through it again until you learn to be securely attached rather than insecurely attached.

I thought I was securely attached to him at the end. Maybe I wasn't-how would one know for sure? I can say for sure that I trusted him fully. He was the only male person I let get really close to me who did not abuse me.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

autumn,
Maybe it should be done properly this time like hazel girl suggests so you can attach securely and really experience what a safe attachment feels like! That in itself would be healing.

Yes, I thought I did experience that. But i'm not so sure...

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I don't know the answer but I know that I've attached to my Ts in different ways. I felt like I was obsessed with 3 out of 5 of them but never had the chance to experience the attachment fully, and to resolve it.

I think my only secure attachment has been with my current T, and I'm making my way to internalizing her caring about me so that I can let go of her physically, while keeping her "inside of me" emotionally. I believe that if you haven't resolved the attachment, it's going to keep coming up in some way in your life, so it would probably be in your best interest NOT to fight it. Just my opinion, of course.

That is lovely, I am happy for you Rainbow. Thanks for the advice.

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I don't know how you let your guard down, in practice. The thought of doing so makes me physically ill.

Being that vulnerable with a paid professional, or anyone else, feels like a weight I can't lift. Maybe it's impossible for some of us?

(((Peejay))) I don't think impossible. Sorry it makes you ill.

My T had 100% of my trust. It awes me now to think of how vulnerable I let myself be. Almost as if I was naïve or something...

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I have felt this way, too....like maybe it's too much for me to do it. My T IS a paid professional, after all. It's almost like one has to be able to "forget" that for a minute for the brain to benefit from the attachment but my brain does not forget. Ever.

Personally, I see psychotherapy as an art that is always changing. They don't know everything so that's why theories and techniques and best practices etc. etc. change over the years. So it can't all be the client's fault, IMO. I also think attachment has to happen super slow for some people. So therapists must commit for the long haul. Only in real life, people move, change jobs, burn out, and so on so it's not always possible. Plus, the cost is a lot for therapy. And if insurance is involved, they expect results much faster. I know, for me, I most likely need a lot more time. Time I hope my T truly has and isn't just saying he has in the hopes it will allow me to attach more quickly as part of he process /:

All good points....

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

My T has said that no amount of money will control whether she cares about her clients. For her, it has nothing to do with money. I know that's hard for some people to accept (and it may not be true for some therapists), but I do know at least some T's who care do so regardless of the money.

Originally Posted by PeeJay

I get that and I know she is sincere with you. But if the money stopped, so would the therapy.

Now, it's not a way to get rich, being a T, but it's also not family.

I have no idea how one goes about forgetting this truth so that one can attach securely. And maybe it is inadvisable to ever deviate too much from reality.

So to circle back to the OP: Is attachment and vulnerability truly necessary? I guess it depends on your goals. But for me to do so would feel as if I were trying to fool myself. And yet, I long for it, too.

Longing for it is healthy, I think. Maybe best if you can get that need met outside of therapy? As for me right now, I don't think I could do a relationship at this point in my life....

It must be difficult for Ts too to separate if a client can't pay. My T didn't charge me for a whole summer when things got really bad for me. I think other Ts would too.

Thank you all for helping me sort this out. I don't really know what the answer is for me, but i'm tired. I'm feeling depressed today. I think i'll crawl back in bed soon.