The last 2 weeks have been a painful hell.
I verbally attacked T and sabotaged a lot of growth.
I could see all this happening, but felt powerless to stop it.
Or as I told T today when I finally admitted to hurting, that I refuse to give up this secret pain. It's what holds me together and also tears me apart.
The session felt disconnected, I wasn't sure what I was saying was linear. Infact it was jagged.
T said therapy is the place to show this confusion.
Lots was said today, but eventually toward the end, T had gathered all my pieces and said - "I think the hurt at loosing your birth mother was never allowed, never seen, you've not been allowed to intergrate that hurt"
BINGO! Yes! I turned to T and said "that's it!"

At last, the struggle of the last couple of weeks was worked through.
We got there. I had no simple explaination for what I was experiencing, but being willing to show up, expose myself allowed T to help me discover what my subconscious was trying to release.
Relief!

[Freewilled]

That's great, mouse! How do you integrate it? I am experiencing possibly something similar right now. The pain of holding out hope of love and caring from a parent who can't or couldn't or wouldn't provide it. I can't believe how deep this wound is - it affects every aspect of my life. I see that - yet the anger and hurt persist. I also do that thing with T where I'm so mad and its like I'm watching myself be this way towards him but powerless to stop it. I am desperate for resolution. I feel like ill do anything to get it - that relief. How to get there?

T said we have to keep on talking about it. But at the moment when I become aware of the hurt it disintegrates again.

[gayleggg]

Glad you made such a great break through, Mouse.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

T said we have to keep on talking about it. But at the moment when I become aware of the hurt it disintegrates again.

Yes - I can relate. I wonder how long this takes? It sure is painful though...my T says pain in my situation is inevitable. That, in itself, infuriates me. I'm glad you were able to get closer to it and that your T sounds so supportive. How long have you been with this T?

I've been with her over 10yrs. Just shows how long this type of deep work takes.
But when I also getting these results it feels so worth while

I chose to do the deep work in less than two years. It was ruff, yet the results are holding. I guess the work can be done with different variables and hopefully the same results: healing for the client.

Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

You chose? I'm afraid we don't have a choice over length of time. The unconscious has it's own time table.
If you had truly 'done the work', you'd know that.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

You chose? I'm afraid we don't have a choice over length of time. The unconscious has it's own time table.
If you had truly 'done the work', you'd know that.

Having done 500-600 hours of therapy in eighteen months, my subconscious worked for me to do the work. "The Work is Done," and the suffering is gone. I used the word 'chose' for the amount of hours I did per week.

Something occurred to me tonight. In my old life I was a mathematician. If I've done 600 hours of therapy (there are more, I could only account for these at the moment) in 18 months that is equal to 12.5 years of therapy. And like you, I had phone calls, too many to count, and emails galore, ~1600 emails. With all this my unconscious was molested continuously and able to respond — the break throughs came and came with too much pain. Yet with a caring therapist, she got me/ us through the pain. I was never alone with it unless I wanted to be. When pain comes now I have the tools to get through it.

I wish you good luck on your journey, and please take that in.

GTGT

Huh? LoL

[minneymouse]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Huh? LoL

It was interesting to read that the cause of the rupture was you verbally attacking your therapist. I find your responses to people on PC very hard to read, because I feel that they consistently come across as superior, dismissive and rude. In this thread, for example, somebody thanked you for sharing your experience, and shared hers with you in return. You invalidated and dismissed her experience (telling her she 'hadn't really done the work'), yet she still replied to you with grace and wished you well. You respond by pretending that you don't understand what she's saying (Huh?) and laughing in her face (LoL). This is a repeated pattern when kind and generous posters respond in your threads, trying to acknowledge your experiences or sharing their own.

You often talk about the insights you unveil in your therapy. Insight is great, but it's not sufficient. Sooner or later, we have to actually do the hard work and change- insight or no insight.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I have to agree with minneymouse on this one.

Ninny mouse,
Some responses are just too funny.
I'm sorry I have changed as you would classify change.
When a I get genuine replys I reply genuinely.
When I get fantastical replys it tends to make me laugh.
I hope that's ok with you. :-)

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I also agree with minniemouse, and have observed this myself with other postings by Mouse. But it also seems to me that Mouse is extremely uninterested in feedback about how she comes across to other people, and reflexively dismisses other people's opinions if they differ from hers. That by itself is evidence of a significant lack of healing, or a lack of understanding about what it means to "do the work." I sense the GTGT has compassion for Mouse because of her delusions that she is so much further along than she really is, and that speaks well for GTGT.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Ninny mouse,

I don't really think that insulting someone's user name is proof of having "done the work" nor is it a genuine response. Something to "think" about.

[CrimsonBlues]

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

Something occurred to me tonight. In my old life I was a mathematician. If I've done 600 hours of therapy (there are more, I could only account for these at the moment) in 18 months that is equal to 12.5 years of therapy. And like you, I had phone calls, too many to count, and emails galore, ~1600 emails. With all this my unconscious was molested continuously and able to respond — the break throughs came and came with too much pain. Yet with a caring therapist, she got me/ us through the pain. I was never alone with it unless I wanted to be. When pain comes now I have the tools to get through it.

I wish you good luck on your journey, and please take that in.

GTGT

I think it is wonderful that you found a therapist who truly helped you with your healing journey. How awesome that must be to know that you have the tools to help you when you need them!

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I don't really think that insulting someone's user name is proof of having "done the work" nor is it a genuine response. Something to "think" about.

Lol. Auto correct im afraid. This did make me laugh. Sorry.

Seriously. Have some of you checked your own delusions.

So anyway, for those interested in the process, rather than what knickers I'm wearing, touching on this hurt with T has really freed up room.
I notice I'd been walking around with this nagging weight, I feel as if another block has been removed. But as soon as one block is removed, another begins to take its place.
That onion, huh!