[Mactastic]

I have been in therapy with my opposite-sexed T for 7 months. I like him overall, but that's just the problem. I have romantic feelings, feelings of attachment, fears of abandonment, and generalized anxiety that my feelings for him are getting me nowhere. My T knows all of this but no matter how honest I try to be nothing is being resolved. Last week I told him I had consulted other T's by phone and he didn't love that. As I put it to him - I feel like I need a therapist to talk about my relationship with my therapist.

The pressure got to be too much. After consulting 3 T's I found a female I really liked. I meet with her today. I made it really clear that I DO want to see my therapy with my male T all the way through to a positive termination but that I was needing to vent in a safe place. She has disclosed to me that she understands what these feelings are like because she experienced them first-hand with her first therapist. She supports me when I say that I want to take things one session at a time, even if that means I only see her once.

Tonight's session feels like "cheating" or a betrayal - one more reason to add to my list that I fear my current therapy might be unhealthy. No one would bat an eye to consult another tutor, plumber, dentist, etc., but another therapist? Sounds like people don't often do that. Why the double standard? I'm scared to tell my current T about my visit today but I know I will have to. I owe him that much. What's so difficult is that I feel like I'm seeing another therapist so that I can really make the effort to finish things with him, and I don't know that he sees it that way. I fear that if I don't have a "corrective emotional experience" with him then I will really be wrapping wet blankets around all my future relationships with men.

Any words of wisdom or encouragement?

[CantExplain]

I think you are doing the right thing.
Good luck!

[Freewilled]

I think you are so brave and that this is a really good step to take because it will give you perspective. I'm proud of you

[Mactastic]

I just thought of something. My T has peer supervision (once a week for 2 hours inside his practice, I asked) to help him if he gets "stuck" with a client. Why don't I have every right to consult someone when I get "stuck" with him? Hmmm, I wonder if I'll sound like a smart-a-- if I explain it to him that way.

[someone321]

Actually you made a very good point - your T can consult his concerns about clients with another T, so why a client should not consult with another T? Exactly like you said, if you had an important, dangerous surgery, probably everyone would find it okay to consult your health with other doctors and I think that mental health is not less important than physical health...
I did exactly the same, for 2 weeks I had two Ts... I had my "normal" therapy with my T and as I was not sure if it was going in a right direction, I consulted another T (and with this another T I made it clear that I already have a T and am not looking for a new one, just need a new T to talk about my current T ) but I didn't say anything about consulting new T to my current T - I guess I was too afraid that he would get defensive and really not like the idea... Of course, I also felt really guilty that I somehow betrayed my T but I had to do what was best for me not for my T...
All in all I am very happy that I did it, at the end I switched from the old T to this another "consulting" T and it was a very good choice...
I cross my fingers for you, I think you do the right thing...

I, too, think you are doing the right thing. I'll ride along in your pocket if you wish.

Look at it this way: You could have chosen to deal with the difficulties by leaving your current T. You don't want to do that, because the therapy has been working well for you and you think he's a good T. Right? So you are taking proactive steps to deal with what makes it harder for you to do the therapy work with your regular T. I can't see how that can be anything other than a positive thing for you and for your therapy.

Don't feel scared or guilty! For what it's worth I would do the exact same thing! And on a good note, if you like this T you have a back up if T goes on vacation . This is business, first and foremost. We employ the Ts, regardless of any type of feelings that end up developing. Focus on you!!!

[feralkittymom]

I think it's fine to seek a consultation because in that case, most Ts will see their role as helping you to clarify your thoughts/feelings, and perhaps brainstorm some possible ways that you can respond to the situation. I think where it can get sticky is if the consulting becomes an on-going relationship. That kind of triangulation can effect your primary therapy. As long as your reactions about what you discuss are brought back to the primary relationship, I think it can be really helpful.

I think there's a difference between seeking a consultation because of concerns about a T's competence, and seeking a consultation because of feelings you're having in the therapy. It's good that you've revealed those feelings to your T, but I guess I don't know what resolving them would look like to you. Is there something you're expecting from him that he's not doing to help you? Are you hoping to change his behavior in some way? What would that "corrective emotional experience" with him look like? Can you explore that with him?

[granite1]

good luck today. I hope you the best. be open and honest and all will be ok

[coltranefanatic]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I have been in therapy with my opposite-sexed T for 7 months. I like him overall, but that's just the problem. I have romantic feelings, feelings of attachment, fears of abandonment, and generalized anxiety that my feelings for him are getting me nowhere. My T knows all of this but no matter how honest I try to be nothing is being resolved. Last week I told him I had consulted other T's by phone and he didn't love that. As I put it to him - I feel like I need a therapist to talk about my relationship with my therapist.

The pressure got to be too much. After consulting 3 T's I found a female I really liked. I meet with her today. I made it really clear that I DO want to see my therapy with my male T all the way through to a positive termination but that I was needing to vent in a safe place. She has disclosed to me that she understands what these feelings are like because she experienced them first-hand with her first therapist. She supports me when I say that I want to take things one session at a time, even if that means I only see her once.

Tonight's session feels like "cheating" or a betrayal - one more reason to add to my list that I fear my current therapy might be unhealthy. No one would bat an eye to consult another tutor, plumber, dentist, etc., but another therapist? Sounds like people don't often do that. Why the double standard? I'm scared to tell my current T about my visit today but I know I will have to. I owe him that much. What's so difficult is that I feel like I'm seeing another therapist so that I can really make the effort to finish things with him, and I don't know that he sees it that way. I fear that if I don't have a "corrective emotional experience" with him then I will really be wrapping wet blankets around all my future relationships with men.

Any words of wisdom or encouragement?

Well considering I just terminated my last male T, (no need to repeat my situation, you know it very well and it's mirrors your experiences), and went and saw a female and much more...discourse driven T last week, who I'll be resuming with next Wed...

First of all please remember something. It's not "cheating." You are not in a personal relationship with these people, they are trained professionals doing a job. There is no cheating. You are doing WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU. Ultimately in the therapy game, there is really no position better than that one in the long run.

However, I WOULD suggest, you terminate one relationship before starting another. Seeing two T's at the same time, because you just can't let go of one without personal feelings clouding your judgement is unwise. It's one thing to T shop while you're still under therapy with another, but if you are going to resume therapy, pick one doctor with which to do so. Otherwise you run the risk of cross hairs, and perhaps even conflicting response to your problems. If you feel massively uncomfortable, as I did with transference issues getting so horrible that you can no longer focus on therapy, then switch doctors. Transference, if you CAN work through it, apparently is enlightening, but my experience is that if it becomes crippling, you are no longer focused on therapy, or yourself, you're focused on the transference. It's a block.

I got off the ride and made a switch, and as of recently (thread should still be here), decided against a Closure Session with the former. Clean break. Move on.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think all you owe your T is their hourly fee and the basic courtesy of showing up or giving them notice if you cannot. Seriously. Don't tell him about the new T because you "owe it to him," tell him if you think it would help you to have that discussion with him.

[Mactastic]

Meh. Session was just ok.

It made me realize I have built a rapport with current T (in terms of comfort level) and I'm not ready to move on. I'm glad I went, it helped. I do still plan to tell him I went, I think it's really important.