[DelusionsDaily]

I'm having a hard time with having sent the letter to x-pdoc. Just all these thought and emotions keep whirling around and I'm getting really afraid I did it out of guilt for the way things ended between us in October. I'm getting really angry at myself for feeling guilty still...what's done is done I can't go back and change it even if I wanted to...which I really wish I could. Then I get all depressed at the thought that he might just blow it off and say to himself there's not been enough time. I'm scared that if we do start patient doctor relationship that I'll fall back into my old ways...and that's really scary for me because I have come so far and don't want it to stop. Then it goes back to feeling obligated to send it to give him a chance to jump on the train that's headed to very good things for me. The only time I get some relief is when I think about all the work I have done, progress I have made, and thinking that I've done all I could in this short to prove I'm determined to get well even if it means hard work not only for him but for MYSELF! I mean I could have just floated by on "doing" DBT and going to therapy but I have made a ton of changes for me, for my benefit, for my well-being...so I couldn't have just been doing this for him. It may have started out that way but it has become more and more about me and what I want/need, what makes me feel good. Do I want him on my team? Yes and for some very healthy reasons not including the guilt...obviously. I think I'm going to copy this and email my T. Good thing I waited till she was off maternity leave to send that crazy letter. I also see her Monday so that'll be good.

Sorry this was so long but I needed to vent.

[sweepy62]

Its normal to have, these confusing feelings, after you sent that letter,did you expect not to have these. The only good thing about it, is that you have come this far where you have coping skills and a good therapist to help you out with this whirlwind.

I dont want you to go back to the emotional mess that you were in, you were in too much pain, do you think going back to your old pdoc if he accepts you, it will happen. (sorry i dont have question marks on this laptop lol) but even if you do , you still have a good pdoc and if she sees a pattern of a setback with him, she can pull you out. Or maybe you just want the acknowledgment of him saying ok I will take you back.

Then, you can just turn him down, maybe all you want is that answer of yes I want you back, and thats it, maybe I am wrong, if it was me, I think I would just want to know if he was willing to have taken me back, and that alone would satisfy me, but I would not go back. again that is just me. Use mindfulness to calm down melissa you can do it.

[DelusionsDaily]

I don't know what I expected. If he does what I ask in the letter...we will meet to discuss the idea of him being pdoc again and then make the decision mutually whether to proceed together or not. I did offer to do a 6 months trial period with him if either of us were unsure about the idea. I have to wait and see what he does, says, etc...then go from there.

It will be easier if he just says no...honestly. I'm not sure why I sent the letter...I go back and forth between want and not wanting him as my pdoc mostly because fears.

[A Red Panda]

You sent the letter because it will have always plagued you with the "What if....". It will be done and over with one way or the other soon enough!

I'm glad that you waited until your T was back though.

It's totally normal to worry about it.