[rainbow8]

My T was talking about how important it is to learn how to handle the finances, and where my H puts things on the computer, etc. He has always taken care of most of that stuff and has codes for passwords and things I don't know. I am learning it slowly, and writing it down in a notebook because I don't trust computers 100%.

I was wondering something but it's probably intrusive. I may ask her anyway. When she got divorced, or when anyone does, I know you have to learn to take care of everything yourself. But it's different because you can still contact your ex if you have to. I wonder if my T had to learn everything or does her H still help her. They were married a long time so I think he's still around to help her.

I know some women handle the finances in the family so it's not a problem.
I know T won't answer me if she doesn't want to. I just wonder if she had to go through that part too, when she divorced.

I'm seeing my T more as a person in her own right, not because I want her to be everything to me, but just wondering how she has handled things. Her Mom died of cancer, as did mine. Now I will lose my H like she did, though divorce is of course much different.

Just rambling here, I guess. I'm interested in what people think, but I'll make my own decision if I want to ask her about it, and also if I want to tell her I'm worried about her health.

I do have a lot of support in RL, but I do so poorly with uncertainty about things, and not knowing, whether it's about my family, friends, or my T.

[stopdog]

I don't see a problem asking but I would not put is as does an ex husband still help - more as how did you learn to take care of yourself financially. I think the way you are putting it makes an assumption that does not need to be made. I always handled my own finances even when living with a partner. I never considered letting someone else do it nor would I have ever handled my partner's for them. I do tell people who come to me for probate matters to get the information from their spouse if they don't know it - so I know to remind people to set it or or start learning even where I personally have a different situation.

In my county, they have free classes at the community college for "women in transition"...either from divorce or from death. It teaches lots of financial things and real life things even has some what I call group therapy type things with life coaches ....

Perhaps you should look for a support group for care givers... It might be more helpful than to ask your T who may or may not answer and whose answer may or may not be helpful...

[Petra5ed]

Maybe it's just me, but I don't want to have to rely on anyone for anything. I've handled my own finances since I was 18, and think I'm better than my husband at it. I also conceitedly think I'm better than him at most things, LOL.

I think you should learn to do everything yourself whether or not you actually have to or want to do those things. For me it would be overwhelming to think there was something I couldn't handle, God forbid, needed someone else to do for me. Now sometimes I need someone to lift something for me, or whatever... but I can even accomplish those things without my husband. I could hire a mover or a handy man etc...

I would be far too anxious being that dependent on someone. Handling finances is easy, anyone with a calculator can do it. It helps if you make a lot of money

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I don't see a problem asking but I would not put is as does an ex husband still help - more as how did you learn to take care of yourself financially. I think the way you are putting it makes an assumption that does not need to be made. I always handled my own finances even when living with a partner. I never considered letting someone else do it nor would I have ever handled my partner's for them. I do tell people who come to me for probate matters to get the information from their spouse if they don't know it - so I know to remind people to set it or or start learning even where I personally have a different situation.

Thank you for your advice, stopdog.

Originally Posted by Readytostop

In my county, they have free classes at the community college for "women in transition"...either from divorce or from death. It teaches lots of financial things and real life things even has some what I call group therapy type things with life coaches ....

Perhaps you should look for a support group for care givers... It might be more helpful than to ask your T who may or may not answer and whose answer may or may not be helpful...

Thank you. I'm in some online support groups so I can ask. It's not so much that I want help with it right now. I know what I have to do, which is to write down information in my own words so I can understand it. I think asking my t is more about my connection with her and I accept that I have that need.

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Maybe it's just me, but I don't want to have to rely on anyone for anything. I've handled my own finances since I was 18, and think I'm better than my husband at it. I also conceitedly think I'm better than him at most things, LOL.

I think you should learn to do everything yourself whether or not you actually have to or want to do those things. For me it would be overwhelming to think there was something I couldn't handle, God forbid, needed someone else to do for me. Now sometimes I need someone to lift something for me, or whatever... but I can even accomplish those things without my husband. I could hire a mover or a handy man etc...

I would be far too anxious being that dependent on someone. Handling finances is easy, anyone with a calculator can do it. It helps if you make a lot of money

Everyone is different and times are different now. I never lived on my own before I got married except for college. My H is better with financial things than I am so he did it all. I agree with you that I should have learned to be more independent. It's not about a calculator. It's about what institutions have our money and where information is located on the computer and in the many files of papers in our home. It's overwhelming.

There's also the part about wanting to connect with my T, knowing she understands a little because she's not with her H.

I think stopdog makes a very good point - it is important not to make assumptions about other people, and if you say "did T have to learn everything or does her H still help her", it assumes that your therapist's husband took care of the finances or that he would have to help her instead of the other way around - have you talked about this before so you know that he did that? Maybe she had to help him initially, before he learnt to handle the financial stuff? It might be better to phrase it in terms of how she dealt with having to do everything for herself (I think it's safe to assume that in most relationship there is some kind of division of labour - even if both people cook and clean, it is probable that both of them will cook and clean for two people and not just for themselves.)

My heart goes out to you, rainbow. You have so much to deal with, and having all this overwhelming practical stuff on top of everything else must be really hard.

[Lauliza]

I agree with other posters that a support group may be more helpful. I know you want to connect with your T, but she can only connect so much. I had the same desire to connect with my pdoc who is divorced (though a male). In some ways I did, though indirectly. He didnt offer, and I didn't ask about his personal experience, but I did ask general divorce questions when I was having issues. If I was anxious about approaching my H about something relating to custody or money issues for example, I'd ask my pdoc what to say, and he'd help me. For other things he urged me to connect with support groups to find people outside of therapy that I could form real, deep friendships with. If anything he urged me to decide what direction I wanted my life to take, like getting new career so I could make more money and supportmyself. I think he also didn't want me to become dependent on him, or to get too dependent on therapy. That can sometimes add to isolation if what you get from doesn't translate into the outside world. So basically, anything you can do with people in real life (for lack of a better term), people who have been in the same situation as you, the better off you'll
be. Your at can't really be that person to the extent that you may want her to.

[kororain]

I just want to add... my husband and I are both smart, but he is a Mensa member. I am not.

I handle the finances and always have.

[Alone & confused]

Personally, I don't think is intrusive. It sounds like you're basically asking to be somewhat mentored by her. Years ago I told a T I used to have how long it took her to get through college to be a T because I had thought about becoming one. She was happy to talk about it. We even talked about similarities we had in our family life. But, she could be the exception to the rule. My T almost felt like a friend with a college education in psychology.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I handle all the finances and always have....recently, I have had to start showing h how to manage some things...I don't see anything wrong with asking T for some pointers, but like someone else said, in a less direct way. More along the lines of how did you learn to manage finances or something like that....

[anilam]

Asking is not intrusive, persisting to get an answer is. I'm with those saying maybe not assume that she had to learn it too...with the divorce rate as high as it is I think many partners nowadays share this responsibility...

[feralkittymom]

I think it's generally bad practice to seek advice from people outside their areas of expertise.

[rainbow8]

Thank you for the responses.
This situation wasn't supposed to be so complicated. I realize from the posts that I shouldn't assume my T wasn't knowledgeable about finances. I suspect she wasn't but I could be wrong.

I just want to ask something like "T, did you have to learn how to handle all of this when you got divorced or did you already know?" I'm not looking for specific advice. She already gave me some. I don't think she'll mind the question. It's not such a big deal.

[Aloneandafraid]

Good Luck, Rainbow. Take good care of yourself.

[Wren_]

Like you wrote ... Not such a big deal to ask her

And maybe talking about this with her will help in some way ...