[Yearning0723]

This is the story of all of my therapy sessions and pretty much every stupid decision I ever make. Sometimes I know it comes from wanting to solve a problem immediately so I don't have to cope with other people being upset at me or simply because I feel like resolving the problem sooner will lead to a better result (like if you pay your credit card bill right away, you don't have to worry about a) forgetting to pay it or b) accumulating interest). But sometimes I get into a state of anxiety where things feel like an emergency and actually aren't, and when I'm in the state of, "I need to solve this right now!" it's impossible for me to solve anything because my brain is going too fast to think clearly.

This was the situation with T yesterday when I was like, "I need to solve this mother problem immediately!" There was a very good reason for me to feel that way, but I was so worked up about it that even when T was like, "Okay, so what are you needing from her? What are your options?" I couldn't see anything. All I could see was the disaster that lay ahead if I didn't solve the problem right this very second.

So I left her office with no solution and feeling incredibly distressed. As my day went on, the distress began to diminish, as it usually does, and by the afternoon, I figured I could just call my mother, leave her a message telling her I loved her and we'd talk later, and that would solve my problem for the moment; I would get to keep my word of calling her; I wouldn't have to talk to her and get into another fight when I was in a state of heightened anxiety; and she would be happy to hear that I loved her and wasn't upset at her.

So I did this, and as soon as I did this little tiny thing, I felt so relieved and the anxiety went away. It suddenly didn't seem like a big deal anymore; it was not an insurmountable obstacle; it was something I could handle and life would go on. And my mother called me in the evening and I didn't get caught up in an argument with her; we talked just like nothing had ever happened between us, just like she was my mom and I was her daughter and everything was lovely and perfect and felt really good. Yes, there is more work to be done, but it doesn't need to be done right this very second.

Why is it so difficult for me to see that sometimes? I mean, I put off dealing with the situation for ten days to give myself some time to calm down, but I was really anxious for those ten days, and it wasn't until after having the equivalent of an anxiety tantrum involving lots of tears and plaintive wailing with T that I was able to calm myself down and realize I do actually have the tools to resolve this situation and it isn't actually as big of a deal as I'm making it in my head.

I know usually letting things sit makes them clearer (like with mentor figure - on Tuesday I was freaked out about that situation; today, I'm just like, "It's not that big a deal; I can figure it out; I can deal with what comes and it'll be okay,"), but in this case, it didn't. It wasn't until I worked myself up into hysteria that things became clearer. This is not a sustainable pattern.

And yes, I will discuss it with T...

[Arha]

I am so pleased that you found a solution that has worked so well.

You ask why is it so difficult for you. Don't get more stressed over why you were in this state. It happens.
Anyone can get into a panic, and in that state, not see things clearly.
How many people, trapped in a burning building could remember a combination lock to get out of there? Some would, but many would smash the door down instead.

What you can work on, is not getting into that state so often or so easily. Give yourself time to learn this skill though.
Some people are calmer because they have learned how to be. It all depends on the examples we had as we grew, but another significant thing is how threatened we are by the situation. If you feel really scared, it will be harder to remain calm no matter what your skills are.

[pinkbutterfly]

yeah, sometimes our emotions and anxiety really can make us feel overwhelmed even by things that really end up being not so BIG. I have many times where I come out of the emotional chaos and realize it was really as difficult as I thought it was.

[learning1]

i'm really glad you're feeling okay about things with your mother now. I wish your mother didn't put so much on you that you shouldn't have to shoulder, or that there was a way for you not to feel it (I don't know how), but I'm glad you can have some connection with her and your brother.

I don't really know how to answer your question. But I did want to say thanks for reminding me I better pay my credit card bill

[Yearning0723]

When this stuff happens, I feel like I go through a panic-anger-shame cycle that I need to figure out how to put an end to. First of all, panic (internal anxiety that I can't get rid of), anger (externalization of that anxiety because I'm trying to pull other people towards me so they can help me stop panicking), and then shame because I solved it myself and didn't need them after all and I was being stupid and helpless and weak and screwing up my relationships with people by needing them like that.

I guess my goal in therapy is to be able to stop myself at panic before it turns into anger and then shame and bring it down myself...or to stop the anxiety before it turns into panic...working on it. But I feel like anyone would panic if their mother told them that if they didn't do something that seemed impossible to them, they would lose her and the rest of their family forever.

[Yearning0723]

And I guess what I really wanted (and still want, which is sort of scary to me) is to just cry a lot in front of T and let it all out and have her comfort me. She didn't. She just sort of ignored it and kept talking. I knew that's how she would respond, because maybe she didn't think I wanted her to call attention to it, because I never cry in front of her...but I wanted her to reassure me and comfort me and just be super gentle with me, and she didn't and she wasn't. Maybe she would have if I'd told her that's what I needed...I don't know. Maybe I should tell her that.

It was angry crying and frustrated crying, not sadness crying, although maybe a little bit of that too...distress crying, self-loathing crying, anxiety crying, and that usually makes people think I'm mad at them and want them to stay away when what I really need is for them to come closer. But how can they know that if I don't tell them so?

[Yearning0723]

Like now I'm calmer...but I guess the residual need for comfort is still there. Which then makes me feel really weak and pathetic. Also, it's something I know T won't give. And the goal is for me to be independent and self-soothe...and I can; I just don't want to.