[Yearning0723]

I had a session with T this morning, and it went poorly, as per usual these days. She just didn't seem to be hearing what I was saying, which was that I needed her to be more reassuring and consider how the things she says are going to land and less, "I have super rigid ethics that prevent me from caring whether the things I'm saying are going to help you or hurt you." I told her that when she keeps telling me I might need a new T, I get that she's being ethical but it feels to me like I'm being abandoned because I did something wrong. She said she gets why I feel that way but she has to keep saying it because of ethics...and she proceeded to keep saying it all the way up to the end of our session.

I feel like maybe I do need a new T, but I'm not ready to leave her entirely. I think she has been helpful to me in a lot of ways and she might continue to be helpful in a lot of ways; I don't know but for whatever reason I'm not ready to just leave her. But I'm thinking of maybe trying out a new T, seeing them both for at least a few weeks and see how it's going, and if maybe I want to transition to just seeing new T or if I realize that I really like old T better or if I just want to keep seeing two Ts.

Does seeing two Ts for the same thing make sense? I know it makes sense to see one T for trauma work and another for CBT, for example, but I don't want to have a CBT T and then this T - I want to try to find a T with a more relational approach who will maybe be more available/reassuring to me. I don't know if old T will then become superfluous, but I feel like I want to hold onto her for now. Assuming I can get my father to fund this little experiment, does it seem like a really bad idea?

[stopdog]

I have been doing it for 4 years and it works for me.
Having said that, I am not sure if you are an adult or a minor - that might make a difference.
Also I never, ever talk to one about the other. I don't discuss them with each other at all.
I think that is quite important.

It is also possible usually to just take a break from one and try out some others before deciding whether to stay or move on.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have been doing it for 4 years and it works for me.
Having said that, I am not sure if you are an adult or a minor - that might make a difference.
Also I never, ever talk to one about the other. I don't discuss them with each other at all.
I think that is quite important.

It is also possible usually to just take a break from one and try out some others before deciding whether to stay or move on.

I'm 18, so adult, but just barely. I feel like taking a break from old T would be too overwhelming for me at this point. I'm doing some good(ish) work with her and I wouldn't want to interrupt that to spend six or eight or ten sessions getting to know a new T. But I don't know if this T is sustainable long term.

I feel like I would tell them both I'm seeing the other (T actually suggested I might need two Ts) but beyond that I wouldn't talk to them about each other.

I feel like taking a break to make a decision isn't going to work, though. It's too scary. But then I might just end up with two Ts.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I had a session with T this morning, and it went poorly, as per usual these days. She just didn't seem to be hearing what I was saying, which was that I needed her to be more reassuring and consider how the things she says are going to land and less, "I have super rigid ethics that prevent me from caring whether the things I'm saying are going to help you or hurt you." I told her that when she keeps telling me I might need a new T, I get that she's being ethical but it feels to me like I'm being abandoned because I did something wrong. She said she gets why I feel that way but she has to keep saying it because of ethics...and she proceeded to keep saying it all the way up to the end of our session.

I feel like maybe I do need a new T, but I'm not ready to leave her entirely. I think she has been helpful to me in a lot of ways and she might continue to be helpful in a lot of ways; I don't know but for whatever reason I'm not ready to just leave her. But I'm thinking of maybe trying out a new T, seeing them both for at least a few weeks and see how it's going, and if maybe I want to transition to just seeing new T or if I realize that I really like old T better or if I just want to keep seeing two Ts.

Does seeing two Ts for the same thing make sense? I know it makes sense to see one T for trauma work and another for CBT, for example, but I don't want to have a CBT T and then this T - I want to try to find a T with a more relational approach who will maybe be more available/reassuring to me. I don't know if old T will then become superfluous, but I feel like I want to hold onto her for now. Assuming I can get my father to fund this little experiment, does it seem like a really bad idea?

Seriously? She said that?

Seeing a new T sounds like a great idea. It shouldn't hurt and it can (hopefully will) help you to sort it out with this one/find a good T for you.

[stopdog]

Also, at least where I am located, it is an expensive proposition.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by anilam

Seriously? She said that?

Seeing a new T sounds like a great idea. It shouldn't hurt and it can (hopefully will) help you to sort it out with this one/find a good T for you.

She didn't say that exactly; it was my impression of her.

[Middlemarcher]

It seems like an excellent idea to me. From what I can tell of your situation, it seems that you have done and are sometimes still doing good work with this therapist. And if I recall correctly, you've said that she specializes in your issues. But it sounds like she is not everything that you need. I think it would be a good idea to see a second therapist. You may even decide that you only want to see one or the other, but this would be a way to give someone else a try in the meantime and feel safe about it.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

It seems like an excellent idea to me. From what I can tell of your situation, it seems that you have done and are sometimes still doing good work with this therapist. And if I recall correctly, you've said that she specializes in your issues. But it sounds like she is not everything that you need. I think it would be a good idea to see a second therapist. You may even decide that you only want to see one or the other, but this would be a way to give someone else a try in the meantime and feel safe about it.

She does specialize in my issues and I am making progress with her, which is why I don't want to just leave her. But I feel like she also might be reinforcing some negative patterns re. not asking for help when I need it. If I had her to work on issues with but someone else who could also help me work through attachment patterns without reinforcing the stigma and shame around that, that might be good too.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

I did a consultation with another T last week around a similar issue-- not the same content as with your T, but from a place of "something isn't feeling right in therapy and I'm having difficulty getting what I need." I may have mischaracterized what you're feeling right now, if so, I apologize.

It was just really so useful to consult with this T-- who conceptualized our session as helping me understand more precisely what I'm having trouble with in T and to figure out how I can talk to my current T about it. I didn't need to tell consult T anything about why I'm in therapy, all I told her was that I was married, with two kids, and my wife is currently hospitalized, so she knew something of the stress I've been under the last 2 months. The session was really "clean" in the sense that it was really a meta session processing my recent therapy. The consult T kept me very focused on this, even though I and she both were tempted to get into a substantive issue.

So one thing I would suggest to you is that you don't have decide if you want a second T or whether or when you should get a new T. You can start in a much smaller place and have a one time consult with another T and talk about where you are now. Maybe a fresh or meta perspective will help you see where to go next.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I did a consultation with another T last week around a similar issue-- not the same content as with your T, but from a place of "something isn't feeling right in therapy and I'm having difficulty getting what I need." I may have mischaracterized what you're feeling right now, if so, I apologize.

It was just really so useful to consult with this T-- who conceptualized our session as helping me understand more precisely what I'm having trouble with in T and to figure out how I can talk to my current T about it. I didn't need to tell consult T anything about why I'm in therapy, all I told her was that I was married, with two kids, and my wife is currently hospitalized, so she knew something of the stress I've been under the last 2 months. The session was really "clean" in the sense that it was really a meta session processing my recent therapy. The consult T kept me very focused on this, even though I and she both were tempted to get into a substantive issue.

So one thing I would suggest to you is that you don't have decide if you want a second T or whether or when you should get a new T. You can start in a much smaller place and have a one time consult with another T and talk about where you are now. Maybe a fresh or meta perspective will help you see where to go next.

That's an interesting idea, but in my area, most Ts offer free phone consults specifically to determine fit, not to discuss other issues. But it's something to consider. I mean, I like working with current T and I want to continue with her, but I feel like we're going to reach a ceiling at some point where my needs and her resources are mismatched. Having another T who can maybe be more gentle with me and more reassuring and available instead of just helping me work through issues would be really beneficial to me, I think, and I don't know if current T can provide that kind of support. I was trying to explain that need to her today, but she just wasn't hearing what I was saying and it was incredibly frustrating for me, and she kept suggesting another T or group in addition to or instead of her. So I might take her up on that.

[Yearning0723]

If the new T turns into less of a transition (from old T to new T) but someone who I want to work with in addition to old T on the same issues as old T, would that be an issue? Because at this point, I don't see myself being able to let go of old T, but at the same time, I know she's not enough.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

That's an interesting idea, but in my area, most Ts offer free phone consults specifically to determine fit, not to discuss other issues. But it's something to consider.

I didn't do a phone consult, I just paid for a session with another T. Found someone, emailed to ask for an appt, explained what I wanted to discuss.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I didn't do a phone consult, I just paid for a session with another T. Found someone, emailed to ask for an appt, explained what I wanted to discuss.

Paying for a session with another T would be problematic, since my father is the one writing the checks and he's not going to pay for a session with a different T to consult on issues related to current T...

I feel like if you're at the point where you need a third party to mediate between you and your T, it's time to make some changes (not saying you were at this point, but I feel like I might be).

But again, I might end up in a situation with two Ts, and I don't know if that's wise. I mean, it would be okay if I was still seeing old T while getting to know new T and weaning myself off old T slowly, and that might happen, but I just don't know, and at this point I'm not ready to give old T up.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Paying for a session with another T would be problematic, since my father is the one writing the checks and he's not going to pay for a session with a different T to consult on issues related to current T...

But he will write a check to another T to simply give you additional therapy?

I personally don't have any interest in seeing two T's, although it could theoretically be useful for other people. Good luck with it.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

But he will write a check to another T to simply give you additional therapy?

I personally don't have any interest in seeing two T's, although it could theoretically be useful for other people. Good luck with it.

I used to see two Ts when I was younger; one for CBT and one long-term, and then one to work specifically on my ED while still seeing the long-term one. I think he would have less of a problem with that than paying money to someone to help me solve a problem with my other T.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have been doing it for 4 years and it works for me.
Having said that, I am not sure if you are an adult or a minor - that might make a difference.
Also I never, ever talk to one about the other. I don't discuss them with each other at all.
I think that is quite important.

It is also possible usually to just take a break from one and try out some others before deciding whether to stay or move on.

Stopdog, even if you don't discuss them with each other, do they know the other one exists?