[StarLight25]

At my session yesterday I was able to discuss some more difficult things that I had been reluctant to tell my T.

His response has me feeling kind of weird. After disclosing memories of CSA he thanked me for trusting him to tell him and then said "Part of me wants to just hold you and make everything ok- make you feel safe and secure."

He then went on to ask me how I felt during a specific incident. I didn't even have a chance to respond, and he didn't seem to look to me for a response. I don't know why but this has me feeling kind of uncomfortable. This happened about half way through the session so I felt weird the rest of the time. What did he mean by this? Im assuming he didn't really mean he wanted to hold me. I don't know if I'm overthinking this as I tend to do with everything. Do your therapists ever say stuff like this? Is this a boundary issue?

[Sunflower Queen]

Could you just ask "What does that mean?" "What would that look like?" "Who does that?" "Does that really work?" I usually question that type of statement.

[ExistingInChanges]

Originally Posted by StarLight25

At my session yesterday I was able to discuss some more difficult things that I had been reluctant to tell my T.

His response has me feeling kind of weird. After disclosing memories of CSA he thanked me for trusting him to tell him and then said "Part of me wants to just hold you and make everything ok- make you feel safe and secure."

He then went on to ask me how I felt during a specific incident. I didn't even have a chance to respond, and he didn't seem to look to me for a response. I don't know why but this has me feeling kind of uncomfortable. This happened about half way through the session so I felt weird the rest of the time. What did he mean by this? Im assuming he didn't really mean he wanted to hold me. I don't know if I'm overthinking this as I tend to do with everything. Do your therapists ever say stuff like this? Is this a boundary issue?

It seemed like he was trying to say he wanted to take your pain away and make you feel better, but ask him next time you see him, definitely. What is csa?

[NWgirl2013]

He was expressing compassion, IMHO. CSA is kind of a huge issue, so he will likely want to take it slow with you, as you are ready to address it. He was trying to assure you that you will be safe, even with this painful memory.

As you have thoughts about it, perhaps you can write them down to share later. I find that helps me because I take awhile to examine things from every angle before I can arrive at even so much as a feeling sometimes.

[nicoleflynn]

I see that comment as a potential red flag. There is a reason for you to feel uncomfortable.....always trust your gut. Sex in the Forbidden Zone by Peter Rutter is a book I think should be read by everyone going into therapy.....it gives a "snapshot" of a t sliding down that slippery slope. He said.....he would like to hold you; my guess is he meant it.

Originally Posted by ExistingInChanges

It seemed like he was trying to say he wanted to take your pain away and make you feel better, but ask him next time you see him, definitely. What is csa?

CSA = Child Sexual Abuse.

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by StarLight25

At my session yesterday I was able to discuss some more difficult things that I had been reluctant to tell my T.

His response has me feeling kind of weird. After disclosing memories of CSA he thanked me for trusting him to tell him and then said "Part of me wants to just hold you and make everything ok- make you feel safe and secure."

He then went on to ask me how I felt during a specific incident. I didn't even have a chance to respond, and he didn't seem to look to me for a response. I don't know why but this has me feeling kind of uncomfortable. This happened about half way through the session so I felt weird the rest of the time. What did he mean by this? Im assuming he didn't really mean he wanted to hold me. I don't know if I'm overthinking this as I tend to do with everything. Do your therapists ever say stuff like this? Is this a boundary issue?

Your T was showing empathy and caring, IMO. It sounds like you have a very supportive T who was recognizing your pain and wishing he could take it away. If you tend to overthink things, why don't you ask him what he meant by that?

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I see that comment as a potential red flag. There is a reason for you to feel uncomfortable.....always trust your gut. Sex in the Forbidden Zone by Peter Rutter is a book I think should be read by everyone going into therapy.....it gives a "snapshot" of a t sliding down that slippery slope. He said.....he would like to hold you; my guess is he meant it.

"Holding" is not a sexual act; it is a comforting one. Why are you assuming this T is heading down a slippery slope?

[shabur]

I have 3 Ts. I see my Tdoc and Pdoc once a week and then I have group. I am a female as are they (I'm hetero) and at different times in my treatment each one has sat and held me at what were very difficult times. They always ask first. We usually hug at the end of my sessions. There's nothing inappropriate that happens. In my case they are reacting to what I am needing.
I think it's different when the therapist is the opposite sex. I also have PTSD from CSA and would have difficulty working with a male therapist. When I was able to tell each, they thanked me for trusting them. It would have made me very uncomfortable to hear what your tdoc said to you.

[rothfan6]

Your T could have picked a better word than "hold" given you were talking about csa but I don't think he meant anything other than compassion for you, showing he's on your side and wants to help. My T has said something similar. He said he wished he could just take away the pain and the memories so I could feel safe and have some peace. I think that's all your T meant.

[Raging Quiet]

It sounds like he was trying to 'contain' you while you we're speaking. Personally, I think that's a nice thing.

[ScrewedUpMe]

My T says this kind of stuff often, always when she sees me struggling. I also think it's about her wanting to take the pain away and make it all better. We did eventually progress to her giving me a hug now and then but only when I expressed that I would be comforted by it and only when I (very rarely) ask for it.

I don't think it's anything more than, he cares and wants to be there. We use the word hold all the time in reference to therapy... It is not in the literal sense but rather an analogy to what happens in the process... The t holds the client in that they hold their issues and keep them safe in sessions

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[nicoleflynn]

Originally Posted by Elsewhere

"Holding" is not a sexual act; it is a comforting one. Why are you assuming this T is heading down a slippery slope?

I didn't say that "holding" is a sexual act. I am not assuming the t is headed down the slippery slope, I am suggesting it is a possibility.......because if a t wants to take it to a physical level, it begins with those kinds of conversations and eventually goes to the physical....it is called the "grooming process." As consumers we must have knowledge, because unfortunately there are unethical therapists out there.

Therapists aren't supposed to "hold" a client or even touch them, except for a quick hug (they all have their own rules regarding hugs)...that is why it is called "talk therapy."

The only one who knows what he meant by the comment is the t.....and as a client she should ask him so she doesnt feel uncomfortable and wondering.

[StarLight25]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I see that comment as a potential red flag. There is a reason for you to feel uncomfortable.....always trust your gut. Sex in the Forbidden Zone by Peter Rutter is a book I think should be read by everyone going into therapy.....it gives a "snapshot" of a t sliding down that slippery slope. He said.....he would like to hold you; my guess is he meant it.

This is what my gut is telling me, although I don't have any other experience with therapy except family therapy. I've never seen any mental health expert before now so I have nothing to compare to.

[StarLight25]

Originally Posted by Elsewhere

Your T was showing empathy and caring, IMO. It sounds like you have a very supportive T who was recognizing your pain and wishing he could take it away. If you tend to overthink things, why don't you ask him what he meant by that?

I thought about asking him, but what if his response is he does actually want to hold me. Um....I don't even know how to respond to that, and frankly don't want t be put into that position of even having to address this.

[StarLight25]

Originally Posted by Raging Quiet

It sounds like he was trying to 'contain' you while you we're speaking. Personally, I think that's a nice thing.

Sorry for a dumb question- but what do you mean by "contain me"?

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Elsewhere

"Holding" is not a sexual act; it is a comforting one. Why are you assuming this T is heading down a slippery slope?

Plus, he only said it, didn't actually do that. I'm curious how that's a slippery slope, as well.

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by StarLight25

At my session yesterday I was able to discuss some more difficult things that I had been reluctant to tell my T.

His response has me feeling kind of weird. After disclosing memories of CSA he thanked me for trusting him to tell him and then said "Part of me wants to just hold you and make everything ok- make you feel safe and secure."

He then went on to ask me how I felt during a specific incident. I didn't even have a chance to respond, and he didn't seem to look to me for a response. I don't know why but this has me feeling kind of uncomfortable. This happened about half way through the session so I felt weird the rest of the time. What did he mean by this? Im assuming he didn't really mean he wanted to hold me. I don't know if I'm overthinking this as I tend to do with everything. Do your therapists ever say stuff like this? Is this a boundary issue?

Because, it was expressed, not acted upon, I don't find it, a boundary issue. Many here, on this forum, give virtual hugs, but how many, if in a group or individual setting, actually would? I probably wouldn't, the compassion and empathy would be in words, tone of voice, body language.

It's understandable, after surviving csa, to have issues surrounding trust, vulnerability and human contact, personal space.

Your T's compassionate remark, left your mind wondering, that would be something to look at, internally.



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[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by StarLight25

I thought about asking him, but what if his response is he does actually want to hold me. Um....I don't even know how to respond to that, and frankly don't want t be put into that position of even having to address this.

I don't feel a red flag here. But what's important is that you be reassured and clear your doubts by asking him. These are perfectly legitimate questions to ask. It's your therapy, so it's appropriate and expected that you question anything that is said/done in a session. And in the unlikely event that he was expressing a preference to physically hold you, your preference to not be touched is to be respected.

[StarLight25]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I don't feel a red flag here. But what's important is that you be reassured and clear your doubts by asking him. These are perfectly legitimate questions to ask. It's your therapy, so it's appropriate and expected that you question anything that is said/done in a session. And in the unlikely event that he was expressing a preference to physically hold you, your preference to not be touched is to be respected.

Thanks- I guess I will need to have a conversation with him next week.

[Mike_J]

I would say there was part of him that did actually want to hold you, to make you feel safe in his arms to let you know that he was there to protect you from all the evil that lurks out in the world

But I'm sure he didn't because that would be crossing a huge ethical boundary and could easily be misinterpreted as a stepping stone to even more serious boundary issues.

I would look at it as he wants to make you feel safe, but also has boundaries that he won't cross, all good things.

[SoupDragon]

My T says things like that and also holds his arms out as to embrace me, but doesn't move from where he is sitting. It always freaks me slightly and l am sure he notices that l am uncomfortable. l know he would not touch me without my permission, so l see his gesture as one of compassion.

Hope you are able to bring it up with your T.

[StarLight25]

I met with my T today. At the beginning of the session he asked me how I felt after last session and how I did over the week.

I told him I was having a difficult time understanding his comments of wanting to hold me, and wondered if he could explain this.

Um- he said he DID want to hold me. He said sometimes conveying feelings through touch "get through" better than words. I didn't say anything and he just said he wanted me to know that was available to me, if I thought it would be helpful. He went on to talk about how he holds me in high regard and is "honored" that I trust him and want to work on myself with him. He said I make him feel like he wants to protect me and make me feel safe.

I was like- OK... thanks... I mean really I was like WTF (in my head)! I've gotten such a mixed response here on the boards- some feel this is OK, some feel it's a boundary issue. I don't know what to think. I see him for FT with my twin niece and nephew and husband too. I guess I'm assuming because he knows my family he wouldn't cross any boundaries but I don't know.

I feel confused.

[Freewilled]

If my T did that, I would be a bag of mixed emotions. I would love a hug but I would be terrified of the prospect. Some Ts are ok with hugging and others aren't. It's a gray area. But for me - right now my emotionally hurting part longs for a hug or just to put my head on his shoulder, but otherwise I would be afraid he is going to hurt me in some way or that he would think I was too much.

If you trust your T, from what you've shared here it sounds like it's not a boundary crossing or anything. Just that he feels it can be a healthy part of the healing process.