Finally!

tametc · Mar 08, 2014, 02:28 AM

After putting it off 'til the last possible minute, I got my paperwork finished for my housing assistance recertification and food stamps review. I had 55 pages of copies, plus a multi-page booklet of forms for housing. I dropped off envelopes in person today at both agencies, so that's done for another year. Huge relief. I don't know why it never before occured to me to copy the receipts on a monthly or bi-monthly basis. I just know that I am determined to do it that way from now on. It was sheer hell and way too stressful to do a whole year's worth at once.

I have to save and copy each receipt for co-pays and out-of-pocket medical expenses. Plus, certain things related to the care of my service dog are considered medical expenses, so I have to save and copy those receipts, also. For some reason, this year was one of the most difficult I've had in trying to get this done. When I first started getting the assistance a number of years ago, my depression and PTSD were so intense that I was unable to fill out the forms. I had someone from the housing authority work with me, and she would ask me the questions, which I could verbally answer, and then she wrote down the information.

This year, I experienced anxiety and flashbacks related to some kind of trauma in connection with putting things in writing. I barely scratched the surface of this memory with my former T years ago.

***************POTENTIAL TRIGGER******************

I have images of paper and pencil on a surface in front of me, and being told to write certain things, and then being physically hurt and punished for doing so. I think it was done to reinforce that I was not allowed to write about the mind control/abuse. I was already trauma-conditioned not to talk about it, but writing is a different way to disclose than talking. A lot of the work I did in the past that allowed me to get out what happened, was to do artwork, especially collage.

I am hoping to begin working with the trauma T in the near future, while continuing with my current T for the grief work. I've never worked with 2 therapists before, but it makes sense for what I'm currently dealing with. I may borrow some ideas from CE's work, with the drawings and the work he did with the figures. I am feeling ready to do more trauma work, and I look forward to defusing the intensity of the memories. As I write this, I realize that it is starting to stir up more of the grief over losing my former T. I worked on deep trauma issues with him for a number of years. It's a bit scary to continue on a perilous journey with a new T. But, I am a brave woman and I know the payoff is worth the trip.

I am going to visit J tomorrow in jail (never visited a jail before), and then I'm taking the rest of the weekend to relax. I see T on Monday.

Thanks for listening.