Two things that are making me super super nervous

First of all, I have three T consults - tomorrow, Saturday, and Monday. I really want to cancel all of them, especially tomorrow's. I am so, so, so nervous. When I'm in my normal life, I am super confident and calm and collected and in control. Even in job interviews I am super calm and confident. But when meeting a new T, I just get SO nervous. And I act really dumb and it's tough to get things across because I'm nervous and stammering and not thinking straight and I end up misrepresenting myself and my issues...ugh, I just want to call this whole thing off. (Not planning on it, though. Good for me.)

The other thing is the mentoring program T recommended to me. The coordinator called me today and told me she had a potential mentor for me if I was interested in meeting her, and her name is Hope (no, really!). But the thing about this is that Hope is married (and I am so enamored with marriage that I cannot even begin to describe my love of it), and her partner also mentors someone, and they have a six month old baby.

The baby is the same age as my half-sister, and I don't know if this situation would be good for me, because I might feel like I need to compete for attention with the other mentee (because they do stuff like dinners with the whole family sometimes, and the other mentee already knows everyone and I don't) or with the baby, or I might feel jealous of the baby for having two mothers who love her, or I might just reproduce the whole dynamic with my father and my jealousy of his second family and how he loves the baby more and wants to spend more time with her and thus has no time for me...it might be a really dangerous situation to get myself into where I would start having these irrational feelings.

Like if we were having dinner with me and mentor and her partner and her partner's mentee and the baby and I wanted to talk about something but she needed to go take care of the baby or nurse the baby for twenty minutes or something, which is super normal when you have a baby, I might feel really hurt not for any logical reason but just because it would remind me of all the times when I want to talk with my dad but he can't because he's with the baby or he interrupts me mid-sentence to go deal with the baby or whatever.

I know that the coordinator thinks we will be a really good match, and she knows me well and T says she's really good at making good matches, so I will meet this person and see how I feel about her, and if I really click with her then I'll try it. But I'm worried I'm setting myself up for disaster, like with my former teacher who was a mentor and mother figure to me and how I would get so jealous of her kids for having such a devoted, loving mother...

You've got a lot to think about, I see!

Ok, before I say what I am going to say, please know I mean this in a good way, even if it may sound a little different. (Just making sure you know that)

I am one of those people who believe that for the most part we have control over our feelings. Even the irrational feelings.
Dr. Michael Edelstein says that "..we enter into every situation with certain beliefs or expectations. Those beliefs and expectations directly influence the way we are going to end up feeling about the event or person."
If you enter the situation with your mentor with these fears you already have, your mind is already shut down to any other belief. You are already jealous, you are already anxious, you are already afraid. And you haven't even met the person yet.
So then you enter the situation and you already feel trapped in your issues and they will become a problem because in your head you already think of all the situations that might make you jealous or feel abandoned or neglected etc. The fear of that happening is understandable. But you are creating a reality for yourself that will probably happen because your beliefs and your mindset is already made up.

I am not saying it's as easy as telling yourself "there is nothing to worry about" because that would be too easy and in your current situation probably not very helpful because you first should realize that your beliefs and concerns might be questionable. If you can get to that point, perhaps you can get to the second one in time: identify your system of beliefs.
You already have so much insight - you know where your beliefs and feelings stem from, you have identified the source of your jealousy feelings, your anxiety etc.. You are very smart as I have realized in many posts I read from you.
But I also think that sometimes you might create more suffering for you subconsciously because you have your mind already made up how you will feel and what you will be like in certain situations.
What if you turned it around?
What if you rewrote your post for yourself and turn the fears into possibilities? What if the new mentor really likes you?
There is a baby, you already know that. And you also know that a baby needs much more care than an adolescent or adult. It's nothing unusual, it's good, it's healthy and it's something you KNOW. "Competing" with a baby will almost always make you lose. If competing however transforms into getting a new little person in your life to love, to hold, to play with - it can become a gain, even a healing experience.
Perhaps try to make yourself more open to letting a part inside you become the carer of other people, like the baby. To make a choice to step back just a little and instead of fearing to not be loved enough, make an effort to love back more. I know how empowering, transforming and healing that can become.

Give the situation a chance, but perhaps before you enter it, try to change the beliefs about it a bit a little. I have learned the hard way that the more someone actively craves attention and love, the more other people withdraw or get uncomfortable and we might end up feeling lonely, isolated and rejected. But the more you truly love back without expectations, the more others will pick up on it and find it easier to give you what you need.

Well, just my opinion..

Lots of love and good luck!

About to get on the bus to go do my consult...I'm thinking of asking if we can talk about neutral things just for the first three minutes or so to make me more comfortable, because I'm ridiculously nervous. Do you think that's okay?