[AmysJourney]

ist what I want to do and if you want to join me, please feel free to add to this thread.

Perhaps I am a lucky one for having found a T that I am very fond of, who lets me contact her, who holds my hand when I am in need, who challenges me when I need it, who comforts me when I am hurting.
Perhaps I am also lucky that God (yes I have faith) has given me a lot of strength and power to persevere.
Perhaps I am lucky that I was able to built a life that I enjoy living. (Most of the times.)

But, I believe strongly that we all have the ability inside us to become emotionally healthier, stable etc.

I would like to share parts of my story and I hope it encourages or comforts some.

My abuse started when I was five years old. It went on almost daily until I was a young adult. It broke me, naturally. It made me feel rejected, abandoned, unwanted, unloved, uncared for. It left me without nurturing, hugs, kisses and so on. The first person who ever told me "I love you" was my little sister when she was three years old and I was 13. That "I love you" and all that followed throughout the next years from her and my sisters that were born after her, carried me and lifted me up. It gave me very strong life-power, made me stubbornly fight for more "I love you"s. It taught me love that went both ways. But of course for a long time it was never enough. I craved the affection of people around me. Teachers in school, people I met outside of school. When I got older I wanted a lot of boyfriends so I could be loved. In wanted to be successful in college, so I could be loved.
What kept me from ever really being suicidal was the fight for love, for hugs, for compassion.
I was determined to find it, although I knew my love for others would be a very needy, misguided kind of love that could overwhelm people. I was obsessed with love and being loved.

When I was 25, I wrote an article on love for a big national newspaper. I wrote about what it meant for me, what I thought it meant for others, what power it holds - good and bad. And I made a comment that said, I think love is a right we all should have.

A reader wrote to me and said:
"Love is a choice. We all make choices in our lives every single day but we always seem to forget that Love is also a choice. It doesn't only start unconsciously inside us, it is not completely natural, it is not something everybody receives without asking for it. Some do, they are the lucky ones. But most people fight for love. Love is exactly like a war. It can be passionate, it can be fragile, it can be violent, it can be fatal, it can have a glorious victory, it can cause tremendous, life-altering defeat. So when you look at love, take it like a precious gem that it unsalable, irreplaceable. Look at it as a privilege to have, not a right. The more you treat it as a right, the more you will feel dis-empowered when you don't have it, the more you will be disappointed at the lack, the more you will blame others for not giving it to you. Today I chose to love you, dear Amelia. And I promise this will be real. Know that someone out there loves you, cares how you are, is proud of you, and thinks you are great. I hope this gives you comfort."

I knew, when I read this, that the reader was right. Within only a few words he had not only shaken my view on Love, he had replaced it with a new, healthier, much easier one.
Since then, around five years ago, I have changed, my life has changed and I find myself making the choice to love and being loved frequently. I chose to treat people with love and affection, I make a conscious effort to be polite and gentle but also to be straight and real with some, which I also believe is a part of love. I accept the 'tough love' I need sometimes and appreciate it very much.

I am not free from wanting love, attention and affection. (Who really is?) But I have become so much better at not having it at times. And since entering Therapy, I also have become much better at looking at my life in a more distant way. My talks are not about "I was never loved as a child" any more. They are about "I want to be free from the obsession of love and want the real thing even if it's less than what I think I need"

That reader, a lot of people along the way and my therapy have helped me become an emotionally healthier person and I am so grateful that we have wonderful T's who can help find us and sometimes give us the things we never had.

I hope some of you have positive stories of healing and hope to share too.
I would love to hear your positive stories. But also feel free to disagree, I don't mind :-)

Amelia

[willowbrook]

Thanks for sharing, it's always good to read about people's progress and victories, especially when it comes to stuff like abuse, because I know how much that can mess with your thinking.

I was abused (emotionally, some physical) as a child, and for the most part I've just tried to move past it, but since I've been working with my Pdoc I've been able to identify thought patterns and behaviours that were laid down in my childhood that I didn't even realise were there, and that are part of what's been keeping me stuck for so long. I'm still working on changing things because the thoughts/attitudes towards myself/etc have been there unnoticed and unchecked for so long that they're not just going to miraculously go away overnight, but even just the realisation was a powerful moment and made me feel like I'd taken a pretty big step in therapy. And my Pdoc didn't tell me what I was thinking or feeling, he guided me and gave me the tools to come to the realisation on my own, which made it feel like even more of a victory. I was the one who identified and decided to tackle an issue, I didn't just wait for someone to tell me how to behave or what to think (or not to think).

More recently it was revealed to me by a family member that I may have suffered from some form of sexual abuse by a same aged cousin when I was 5 as well. I have no memory of the event except for a vague body centred impression of being trapped and scared. I got sort of flustered in session when we were talking about it, and blurted out 'I don't want to be a victim of sexual abuse, I feel like I'm turning into a walking cliche', and my Pdoc stopped me and said 'You don't have to be a victim, and you're not a cliche, you're a survivor. You're strong, and resilient and you've matured into this incredibly intelligent woman who's survived' (paraphrased). It felt really empowering to hear that.

[granite1]

I enjoyed reading about you history. i'm having a real hard time with the tough love right now and it was nice to read this

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by granite1

I enjoyed reading about you history. i'm having a real hard time with the tough love right now and it was nice to read this

Thank you, granite. I know, tough love can be... tough. But I believe it sometimes help.

Much love from me today to you!

Amelia

Thanks for starting this thread. Positive stories are great to read!! I'm feeling very positive lately about my own therapy process. Most recently: my last session was Feb 25. I was scheduled to have one this evening, actually but Monday when I got home from work I had an email from T saying she needed to reschedule. I didn't feel sad about it, simply skipped right over the old "omg she hates me" and feeling sorry for myself stuff and thought about it for a minute, and then emailed her back that we could just wait until late April when I have a couple days off work and talk then, giving me a chance to "live" the work that I've been doing on my own lately involving releasing a lot of pain from childhood which led to my forgiving my mother. She replied that it was a good plan so now we won't be talking again until late April and I actually feel very good about it! I think that was the last "big piece" of work that I needed to do in therapy, and I'm feeling like it's time to end for reals this time. And I'm excited about that.

[PeeJay]

Great story!

My journey has been a 20 year path to stability after a childhood filled with loss, abuse, poverty and foster care.

I've been on my own since age 18, but my childhood ended much sooner.

And yet, my life has a lot of joy. Once I got settled in my 30s, spouse, kids, house with garage, steady employment, my emotions started to fall apart. I wanted to die. I just felt exhausted and finished with life.

It's like my unconscious knew it was time to grieve and reflect on all the tumultuous beginnings. I couldn't pretend any more that I was just like everyone else, my peers with stable backgrounds and in-tact family relationships.

Therapy has been so helpful in giving me tools, having someone listen and acknowledge that I suffered, and give me language to describe what I'm going through: PTSD.

I'm in such a better place now than I have ever been.