[LoneWolfie]

Just over 2 months ago my pdoc who is my therapist too, has been using off the cuff comments about going back to work. I have been off work for almost 2.5 years, short term dis and now on long term disability through my company work benefits.

I have BPD, stuggle to leave the house every time I do, suffer from GAD and swing in and out of depressive episodes every few years although the last one it took 15 years. This would be last one when I went off work.

Anyway the thought of work terrifies me and I don't think I can do it, the leaving the house on a daily basis.

Skip to about 4 or 5 weeks ago and I am told that my pdoc is getting pressure from management to cut me loose. She fights for more time with me but the waiting list is why she is getting pressure, which I why she is being off the cuff with me.

Well it didn't go well when I found out, I was next door where I go for art twice a week. I had been talking to the OT there about something I wrote to pdoc and she was worried about me and went to my ACT worker. That is how I found out the turn me out thing. I then went into the bathroom and used a box cutter and cut myself around the inside of my writst. I was taken to the hospital, they used tape to close the deepest cut there were 4 and I was kept overnight in the ER.

So I have been stressed out and frantically looking for employment all the while thinking I am going to lose it and do the unthinkable, end it all. That I can't deal with the anxiety and fear and so on.

I have been down in the dumps really bad, have pulled away from my family and my partner. Last week I asked my pdoc what is going to happen in the future as in with me and her. It was then dropped back into my lap, "what are you going to do?" We then sat in silence.

I got an email from the insurance company that I get my long term benefits from, they mentioned that from forms filled out Sept 2012 by my pdoc that my benefits would possibly end May 28 2014. Hence my frantically looking for work, I have car payments, rent, house/car insurance.

Insurance company informed me fall last year that I needed to apply for the Canada Pension Plan Disability. I have been waiting for 4 months for an answer, I got it yesterday from the insurance company I was approved.

So while I obviously passed that I am totally disabled at the moment I am losing my pdoc and being turned out to figure it out myself. I have been seeing my pdoc for 2 years. She tells me I told you two years for you to get you back on track. I didn't realize that mental health was like a broken bone, so much time to heal/mend. I'm at a loss for words.

I can't afford to pay for a therapist, only pdoc's are covered in Canada. Don't know what I am going to do. I may also be banned from going to art next door because of the incident in the bathroom, I will ask about it today. They were having a major meeting with management.

[AmysJourney]

Wow, I can't even begin to imagine the situation you are in. It sounds very lonely and frustrating and desperate and dangerous.
The only thing that comes to mind, except telling you how sorry I am for what you are going through - is to reach out to people. Reach out to your doctor, ask him for advice. Go online and look for therapists in your area and contact them with your problem - an tell them you can't afford to pay (or pay much).
Desperate situations don't have to be desperate, there is help out there.
It really seems you can't do all this by yourself. You need help or something bad is going to happen and you know that. Are there any people who could help? Anyone besides your pdoc to talk to?

I wish I could say more but I am sure there is help for you out there and I sincerely hope you can find it. Oh and please don't do stupid things like cutting your wrists again!

Love,
Amelia

[HazelGirl]

Does the Canada Pension Plan pay for your Pdoc?

Also, have you considered DBT therapy?

Sometimes living under the stress of wondering when 'the day will come' is worse than actually getting out there.
I understand your fears. Been there.
I know this is hard to hear, but facing our fears is the only solution. Rather than living not being your own boss so to speak.

[LoneWolfie]

Thank you for the replies. Everyone in Canada is covered with psychiatrist's, everyone else you have to pay out of your pocket for. But with demand, eventually you are going to be either using a family doc for meds if you have one. Fortunately I have one, since I am a type 2 diabetic and he is the one that was going to send me to a pdoc about meds it was for one time only, that was before I went into crisis and ended up on a psych ward for 6 weeks. That is how I was matched with my current pdoc, I was fortunate that she also does talk therapy and isn't only pushing meds.

I was in an intensive dbt program that ran three full days a week for 4 months, I got through a semester it was difficult. I had just started another semester got one day in when I felt that I was being picked on by one therapist there, no one wanted to talk about it or how I was feeling so I left.

I am now looking into a short duration dbt group, that is once a week for 6 weeks, a few hours only not intensive. I may have to work with the same therapist again. Maybe the stress of only going once a week for a few hours, will help since I really do struggle and obsess when I am away from home.

I have not self harmed since that day and am doing my best not too. At least with the news that my ltd is not being cut, I am not freaking out as I was before.