[Petra5ed]

Ooohhh, my first post with a trigger icon, how exciting. Well, my life seems to be spiraling again. I'm not diagnosed as bipolar, but I seem to be on some rollercoaster right now... and I have no one but this wonderful forum to b1tc4 to. To be fair, there was a very bad event today, at least it feels very bad now but I never trust what I feel because it's always 'wrong.' Someone I've known for years and care about has made it clear it's not mutual, and ended our relationship, which has come as a complete shock to me even though we hadn't talked in a long time.

Does anyone have a breakdown stories and suggestions for feeling better ASAP? I just feel very desperate right now, I tried to reach out to my T, but I couldn't adequately express myself right now so I'm just trying to wait it out. I think even if I called him I wouldn't want to talk, but I need to talk at the same time, FML! I just feel so hate-able, and I don't know what's what anymore. Maybe I am a really annoying crappy person, that is just a drain to be around. I care too much about myself I feel so self focused, perhaps I show it and people naturally just want away... Would a therapist tell me this?

[Petra5ed]

OK the first *****'ed out word is synonymous for female dog, and it is an actual word that's not derogatory to anyone under 65 I don't think

[Leah123]

Awe Petra, there never seems to be a better time to kick ourselves than when we are down. Please try and resist the temptation.

I think of Quan Yin when I'm in those moods because life has taken an awful turn and I'm wondering what I did wrong to deserve it. Quan Yin is the goddess of compassion and mercy. You deserve some. If you have been dumped, you are entitled to ice cream, chocolate, venting all night, crying to bad country music, breaking some stuff (choose something that won't hurt you), watching your favorite movie three times, or whatever the heck it is that Petra5ed enjoys most.

This too SHALL pass. Sounds and feels like a lie, or irrelevant, but isn't.

[IndestructibleGirl]

You're not a crappy person. Promise. You're made up of the same good stuff as you were when you were happy or content in the past. You're made of the same good stuff we all are. You've been knocked for six at the end of this relationship and it's very natural to question if it's you - it isn't, it's about them and their stuff.

[sweepy62]

Im so sorry you are feeling this way, it really sucks, leah is right on track with what she said, it would be good to get in touch with your t, just to hear his voice.

[Petra5ed]

I really want to ask my T via text if he could pretend to care about me right now like maybe send a short sentence or two pretending to be excited about seeing me at his job the next time, but that sounds very mean so obviously I shouldn't send it, but it also seems to be the most honest. I wouldn't say that to be mean, but I want to say it to be real! Honest opinions please? I actually think a short message, in response in this context would help me. I mean, maybe not if I say that outright every time, but if it was just kept unspoken. So if there is a secret language I should use to get this what would it be? All of the real words are off the table, saying what I really feel right now would be abhorrent.

[nottrustin]

So sorry you are feeling so bad. If it helps you can vent here and you can message me I recently went through something very similar so I probably don't have the "answers" for you. One thing T mentioned was to email her and just say I feel horrible right now and I need help but I don't know how to ask or what I need...so if your T allows emails what if you sent them something like that??

[Ambra]

I'm sorry for what happened... it isn't a nice place to be and if you feel you need to contact your T just go for it. If you don't feel like calling maybe you can send him an e-mail or write down a list of your thoughts and feelings as help when talking about it?

I know, this is going to sound obvious (and weird that it comes from me!) but it's the absolute, simple truth: we are not selfish or annoing or a pain in the ***, rven when we want to vent. And you are not the problem: they are the problem. It's really painful, especially if you are fond of somebody. But then it's better having found out now..
Sending you hugs (if wanted).

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Cherubbs]

If he doesn't do texts you might end up feeling even worse but I like to think he'd show some warmth and compassion you deserve it right now. It's hard to say how he'd react but it's perfectly reasonable that you want some comfort from him. I'm sorry you have been let down like this. I hope you feel better very soon.

[AmysJourney]

Petra5ed, I am sorry to read this and I am sorry you feel this way.
I can share a breakdown story with you though and what I did...

A little while back, when I received my prognosis I asked this friend to come to my house and I wanted to tell her about it. She has been a wonderful friend for a long time and has supported me and cared for me and I love her very much. I thought she deserved to know what was happening. She came to me for a dinner and we talked and I finally had the courage to show her the letter from the hospital. Her first reaction was to cry. Her second reaction was to wipe her tears and tell me straight to my face: "Amelia, you know I lost my sister to breast cancer a couple of years ago. I love you but I can't and I won't go through this again. I will not be able to be your friend through this so please do not call me, email me or text me." She left right after that and I haven't seen her since.
Even though some people may say that it was good that she was so honest, for me it was the most cruel thing to hear, to understand, to even get into my head.
I actually did break down badly. I wanted to text my therapist and tell her straight away but I was too low to even do that. I had some very bad thoughts and if I hadn't been careful I could have spiraled down a dangerous path.

BUT, what helped me was this: I called another friend. I called him and cried to him about this and he told me that he will be there until the end. No compromises although of course it would be very hard for him. He came over right away and let me cry and scream and ***** about this friend who had hurt me so badly all night.
It was to find out that while one friend was gone, I was still not alone, I still had people who cared about me, that helped me work through this.
I did text my therapist the next day and she helped me through this.

So right now, for you - you're in pain. But the worst thing you can do is to put yourself down by blaming you what this friend did, make yourself out to be a bad person that is just a huge burden. Right now it's important that you reach out to people who love you. And even if this might be a special kind of love, we here love you! You definitely have a friend in me, as much as I can be as just another member of this board. But if I can help in any way by telling you you're precious, then I can sincerely say that!
And also, perhaps writing your feelings down and sending it to your T can help perhaps. It might be easier than a phone call.

Lots of love,
Amelia

[Petra5ed]

Thank you everyone. I feel so much caring from this group!

Originally Posted by Leah123

Awe Petra, there never seems to be a better time to kick ourselves than when we are down. Please try and resist the temptation.

Thank you so much for this, it really helped me.

Originally Posted by Amelia112

Her first reaction was to cry. Her second reaction was to wipe her tears and tell me straight to my face: "Amelia, you know I lost my sister to breast cancer a couple of years ago. I love you but I can't and I won't go through this again. I will not be able to be your friend through this so please do not call me, email me or text me." She left right after that and I haven't seen her since.

Thank you for sharing that. I have to say, of all the things I could mess up in life, I hope I never stoop so low that I abandon a friend in need. The other thing I wanted to say about your story is how shocking a reaction that is! I've probably mentioned this before but someone I am very close to is in a similar situation as you, and I want to be closer to her now more than ever. In my heart love is stronger than anything, it is all I want to live for... worth the most intense pain! It is what makes living worth it. It reminds me about your post on sparing your T some of the pain. You might have felt that way because of what this horrific sounding "friend" said to you. At your time of need her focus was solely on herself, and she was incapable of putting herself in your shoes. What she did, the way it was done reeks of sociopathic tendencies, and makes me sick to my stomach with anger. Thank you for your kind words. I'm seeing my T today . I think you're a beautiful person yourself! I know I don't know you, and I have no idea what you might be like in person, but I have felt strangely connected to you (as much as I can be connected to someone I barely know on an internet chat forum). I love reading your posts.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Thank you everyone. I feel so much caring from this group!


Thank you so much for this, it really helped me.


Thank you for sharing that. I have to say, of all the things I could mess up in life, I hope I never stoop so low that I abandon a friend in need. The other thing I wanted to say about your story is how shocking a reaction that is! I've probably mentioned this before but someone I am very close to is in a similar situation as you, and I want to be closer to her now more than ever. In my heart love is stronger than anything, it is all I want to live for... worth the most intense pain! It is what makes living worth it. It reminds me about your post on sparing your T some of the pain. You might have felt that way because of what this horrific sounding "friend" said to you. At your time of need her focus was solely on herself, and she was incapable of putting herself in your shoes. What she did, the way it was done reeks of sociopathic tendencies, and makes me sick to my stomach with anger. Thank you for your kind words. I'm seeing my T today . I think you're a beautiful person yourself! I know I don't know you, and I have no idea what you might be like in person, but I have felt strangely connected to you (as much as I can be connected to someone I barely know on an internet chat forum). I love reading your posts.

Thank you, this made me smile :-)