Feeling guilty for absolutely no discernible reason...

...and wanting to talk to either old T or new T about it but knowing that old T will not have a good response for me and new T doesn't know me well enough to say much on the subject, although it is definitely an important thing to bring up with her, sooner rather than later.

I think I live in a perpetual state of guiltiness, and feeling guilty over really stupid things that make absolutely no sense to feel guilty about (and then feeling guilty about feeling guilty!), and sometimes the guilty feelings are less present and sometimes they're more present. Today, for absolutely no reason I can think of, they're more present. I don't know why. I was fine yesterday, but today my brain is just going insane.

In the past ten minutes I have felt guilty about the situation with old T, the fact that I need to see a T at all, the situation with mentor figure, the fact that I need a mentor figure at all, the fact that stupid irrelevant things people tell me about their parents upset me so much that I then act in ways that are detrimental to relationships, the fact that I'm meeting real potential mentor on Monday and I told the program coordinator that it was important for me to have a mentor who wasn't necessarily married but respected my views on the general acceptability of marriage (this was a stupid thing to say, although I got my wish - potential mentor is married and thus obviously believes that same-sex marriage is acceptable and not perpetuating hegemonic patriarchal heteronormative structures and so on...), the fact that I am so excited to meet potential mentor figure, the fact that it feels like I'm betraying my mother by desiring a mentor figure so much, the fact that I need to go grocery shopping this weekend but don't have time, the fact that there's something wrong with the washing machine and I have neither the time nor the energy to figure out what it is and lack the wherewithal to diagnose the problem as long as the thing is still functional, the fact that I'm still disappointed that my father said he would call me on my birthday and didn't, the fact that I could call my father but don't really want to because I'm annoyed with him, the fact that I'm focussing on an essay for my favorite course instead of writing the essay for my not-favorite course that's due the day before the other one...

All this guilt in the past ten minutes. And these thoughts have been in my head all day.

I've spent the whole day being super focussed on schoolwork and trying not to think about this stuff, but the thoughts just keep coming back. They're exhausting and I wish I could talk about this with T and she would help me figure it out, but now that our work is effectively done, that is not going to happen, and new T isn't going to know how to help me until she gets to know me better. The thoughts make me crazy...how do I just turn them off?

You're a student, it's Saturday night...do you have roommates or classmates or other friends you could hang out with? Take your mind out of the loop of guilt and 'should have dones' for a few hours? They don't have to be soul mate style best friends - just reasonably decent, kind people to get some human contact and warmth from?

Just an idea! You sound isolated in a ball of guilt

I know how you feel, I either, have bursts of guilt, or anger its a viscious cycle stuck in a stateof mind of nothingness, im sorry you feel this way, and sorry im not sugar coating it, im sure you dont want that, you want the truth, our minds are wired as such, thoughts like that just pop out, from nowhere, and its a horrible feeling, not to have somebody to vent with that gets it.

most people in real life dont get it, its such an internal state of pain and confusion, like a toothache of thmind and soul, something, you cant just jog away, or just distract from. You need someone to hear you with empathy and nurturing. I get you yearning.

I did the "hanging out with friends" thing yesterday - today I have a term paper to research...putting that off would not be a good decision...but thanks, Indestructible Girl. I appreciate it...

Thank you, sweepy. I'm sorry you go through this too...it's exhausting. And there doesn't even seem to be a way to talk myself out of it. I know it's irrational; I know that 99% of the things I feel guilt over aren't even real situations that make any sense to feel guilt over...but knowing that logically doesn't actually make those feelings go away.

Im really logical person, that makes it worse, because like you say, theres nothing logical, its not black or white, it falls into that gray area, that I have so much problems with. Lets not forget, how much MISPLACED guilt we carry for others yearning.

Are you having what they call "racing thoughts"? I didnt know this was considered a problem until rather late in life, unfortunately for me. Im on meds now to help slow them down. Maybe meditation would help, or being aware of the habit?

Boy, I hear this, Hankster. I used to think my whirling thoughts were absolutely the norm. I started taking a tiny dose of Klonopin at bedtime about a year ago, to help me get to sleep (racing thoughts made this difficult) and be able to go back to sleep when I woke up in the early morning (once I woke up and the thoughts started, there was no more sleep from there). I told a friend at one point, it's like voodoo magic on the Klonopin: I wake up, the thoughts start, and then I think, I don't want to obsess right now, I want to go back to sleep, and BOOM, the thoughts stop and I go back to sleep. My friend looked at me with narrowed eyes and said, "Uh, yeah, I think that's how it is normally for most people." Madness!

Somewhat more on topic, Yearning, it has helped me somewhat over time to get at the root of where my guilt thoughts are coming from. I'm a textbook case of "guilt/depression is anger turned inward." For example, when I am guilting myself over feeling like I abandoned someone, it's usually because underneath, I am feeling abandoned. It has been helpful to identify specific things I guilt myself with, and specific types of guilting myself, and think about when and why I do this.