[Yearning0723]

I've been thinking a lot about old T and new T and I think I figured something out. Maybe old T wasn't attuned to me the way I needed her to be because she is very young (by design; I wanted a T who wasn't old enough to be my mother because I have had T relationships where maternal transference existed from day one, and why shoot myself in the foot? maternal transference can happen with anyone but I'd rather not have it right away - also, I would rather not have a much older T and then have to worry about pesky things like retirement and death), and thus she probably hasn't had as much experience with her own boundaries or with her own therapy or with other clients to figure out how to utilize boundaries in a way that is effective and comfortable for both client and therapist. This will probably come with experience.

New T is also very young, although I think a year or two older than old T. But I was thinking about my past session with her and I realized that it maybe felt "off" because it felt more like talking to a peer than talking to a "grownup" or potential attachment figure. This could be a very good thing for me, and it's not that new T is like my age or anything - she's twelve-ish years older, so it's not exactly like talking to a peer, but it might feel that way because she looks young, dresses young, is super expressive and doesn't relate to me like an authority figure (thus far, and maybe Ts don't need to relate to clients as authority figures?).

Whereas old T, even though she is very young, is very clearly an authority figure, dresses like one, talks like one, isn't super expressive, and so on...and she has apparently been working in the mental health/counselling field for twelve years, which I'm somewhat skeptical about since that would have made her my age when she started working in that field, but nevertheless I know she has lots of experience and regularly attends professional development workshops and reads a lot about theory and stuff...

But I know that new T has only been in private practice for a year, worked with a mental health agency for two years before that, and only got her MSW four years ago, so part of me worries that she might not have the experience/ability to deal with my attachment issues...

Is this just me trying to tell myself that new T, who seems to have the personality I need, won't work out? I know the therapeutic relationship is the most important thing, and I know she does have experience with anxiety and works from an attachment framework, and I know from experience that a younger T is definitely better for me than a mother-aged T (although anywhere between 30-40 would probably be okay), and I know that the "relating to her like a peer and thus trying to impress her" thing will probably wear off after a few sessions...

I mean, right???

[RTerroni]

I younger Therapist (since I am young myself) my current Therapist is only 4 years older than me and I think that we have a lot in common because of us being close in age.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I younger Therapist (since I am young myself) my current Therapist is only 4 years older than me and I think that we have a lot in common because of us being close in age.

Does that aid or hinder the process for you?

For me, it feels like it might hinder it. But that could also be because I just turned nineteen on Friday and all the past therapy experiences I've had have been when I was a kid with adults who were about my mother's age, so I'm really used to that authority figure dynamic that isn't necessary to therapy...right now, new T feels like a peer...well, not exactly a peer, but not exactly an authority figure, and that doesn't feel right. It could be just that I'm not used to it, but I feel like I'm "putting on a front" for her like I might for someone my own age or a bit older who I want to impress.

Of course, it's also only the second session and these feelings will likely evolve with time...

[brillskep]

I think good therapy does not necessarily have to do with the therapist's age. I have met old and experienced therapists who were unethical and unprofessional, too. My T is older than me (which I often forget) but he looks so young, that when I started therapy with him I thought he was just 2 years older than me. He also didn't have much experience in the field (I was his second or third client), but he was a great match for me and a professional, informed therapist. Experience does help increase a therapist's skills, but I believe there are a lot more factors that come into play. Reading about your situation, I wonder if this is about skills or knowledge that this T lacks, if it's something about your wanting someone experienced (so knowing this T is not may influence you), or if it's about a certain type of transference or relationship that's just not what you need.

[stopdog]

I choose older ones who have been in practice awhile.

I think it would feel awkward to me to have therapist much younger than me. All of my therapists have been somewhat older than me. My current T is around 10 years or so older than me I guess, but he's of my generation and about the same stage in life. We're both professionals with around the same amount of career experience, and we are both family people with grown children. I would have a hard time talking to a 20-something therapist about my parenting. That lack of life experience would be a barrier.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by brillskep

I think good therapy does not necessarily have to do with the therapist's age. I have met old and experienced therapists who were unethical and unprofessional, too. My T is older than me (which I often forget) but he looks so young, that when I started therapy with him I thought he was just 2 years older than me. He also didn't have much experience in the field (I was his second or third client), but he was a great match for me and a professional, informed therapist. Experience does help increase a therapist's skills, but I believe there are a lot more factors that come into play. Reading about your situation, I wonder if this is about skills or knowledge that this T lacks, if it's something about your wanting someone experienced (so knowing this T is not may influence you), or if it's about a certain type of transference or relationship that's just not what you need.

I don't know. I mean, I've only seen her twice, and I really like how expressive she is and how informal she is compared to old T, who was super formal/boundaried which made it very difficult for me to feel comfortable with her. It could just be that I'm not used to it or I'm looking for excuses as to why this won't work.

I think it's also that I've had other relationships in the past (T relationships and otherwise) where the person wasn't so aware of the maternal transference I was experiencing towards her and once she realized it, she had no idea how to deal with it. So in my mind, more experience might = more likely to know how to deal with me?

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Does that aid or hinder the process for you?

For me, it feels like it might hinder it. But that could also be because I just turned nineteen on Friday and all the past therapy experiences I've had have been when I was a kid with adults who were about my mother's age, so I'm really used to that authority figure dynamic that isn't necessary to therapy...right now, new T feels like a peer...well, not exactly a peer, but not exactly an authority figure, and that doesn't feel right. It could be just that I'm not used to it, but I feel like I'm "putting on a front" for her like I might for someone my own age or a bit older who I want to impress.

Of course, it's also only the second session and these feelings will likely evolve with time...

Well like you when I saw Therapists when I was younger they were obviously several years older than me and I was never really able to click with any of them. I think that now seeing someone who is close in age to me really helps. Although that being said they don't have to be very close in age to me a former Therapist who I saw for 4 years was about 11 years older than me but we were able to click very well.

[HazelGirl]

I think you're overthinking it. It will be okay.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by RTerroni

Well like you when I saw Therapists when I was younger they were obviously several years older than me and I was never really able to click with any of them. I think that now seeing someone who is close in age to me really helps. Although that being said they don't have to be very close in age to me a former Therapist who I saw for 4 years was about 11 years older than me but we were able to click very well.

Interesting. To you, eleven years isn't very close in age, but to me, twelve years is pretty close in age. I guess perspective on stuff like that changes as you get older.

It might just be that past CBT T was in her mid-forties, past ED T was in her early forties, and past long-term T was almost fifty. And past family T was in her sixties. So it might just be that...to me, the difference between 30 and 45 is huge. I couldn't deal with another 45 year old T (near my mother's age), but it's what I'm used to, and a 31 year old T is not what I'm used to, even though yeah, 12 years age difference is pretty significant, actually.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Interesting. To you, eleven years isn't very close in age, but to me, twelve years is pretty close in age. I guess perspective on stuff like that changes as you get older.

I would actually say that 11 years is fairly close in age, in fact for a while I thought that she was no more than a few years older than me and was I little surprised that she was that much older than me (but still young enough for us to be able to click).

My disability lawyer is 37 years older than me so obviously that is A LOT older than me, but with something like that you just have to go with the first person willing to take your case and can't really be selective.

I just started seeing a therapist who is younger than me, not sure how much. I really like the fresh perspective he seems to have. My old therapist was about 12 years older than me and kind of set in his ways if that makes sense. Plus it ended badly so I want this experience to be totally different. I thought it would be weird and uncomfortable because he's younger, but it isn't at all. Besides as I get older most of my healthcare professionals are going to be younger. LOL.

[Mactastic]

I think sometimes age is just a number. I'm 35 and my therapist is 34. Even though he's somewhat young I feel like he has a knack for therapy and he feels more experienced than his years.

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[Auntie2014]

For awhile I was going through a county program that used fresh out of school grads for some services. I had a real problem relating to one of the newer group just because I could not get past the braces. I was old enough to be her grandmother and just could not relate to her. When I requested a different T the supervisor told me that my former T told her that she didn't feel that it was a good match based on the age gap. I have worked with some other younger T's but more in the 30-35 age bracket and have no problem.

I also had one getting ready to retire which was no problem because I new It was short term on my end also.

[bounceback]

I have always had therapists who were older than me until this one. She is two or three years younger than me. At first I didn't think it would work but she is so knowledgeable and smart. We get along great. The only thing is sometimes it bothers me because she seems to have her life pretty much put together and I don't.

When I first started looking for a t i was referred by my dr to a t who who had 30+ years experience. It was a disaster we spent the whole first session in a circular conversation about how I felt.(I didn't feel anything that was the problem) I saw a few more "experienced" t (who followed the same pattern as the first one) before I met my current one who admitted he only had 10 years experience but the first session was incredible we started to get into a circular convo about feelings andd he stopped and turned it around thats when I knew he was the right one for me.
My t is only 2 years older than me ie 49.

[PurplePajamas]

My therapist is 30 years older than me. He is my first and only therapist so I havent experienced anything else... but I wouldnt be comfortable with a therapist younger than me or even the same age as me. I like the fact that my therapist has more life experience than I do. I don't think I'd take a therapist my age very seriously... it would feel more like a friend.

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

But I know that new T has only been in private practice for a year, worked with a mental health agency for two years before that, and only got her MSW four years ago, so part of me worries that she might not have the experience/ability to deal with my attachment issues...

Is this just me trying to tell myself that new T, who seems to have the personality I need, won't work out? I know the therapeutic relationship is the most important thing, and I know she does have experience with anxiety and works from an attachment framework, and I know from experience that a younger T is definitely better for me than a mother-aged T (although anywhere between 30-40 would probably be okay), and I know that the "relating to her like a peer and thus trying to impress her" thing will probably wear off after a few sessions...

I mean, right???

The responses indicate this might be a very individualized thing. If you choose someone relatively inexperienced, you can grow together. That might be beneficial to your relational bond.

You mentioned something to this effect-transference does not know age or gender. I had a really maternal transference with former T, who was male, but so far it seems I have more of a paternal transference with current T.

You sound very anxious all around; I don't think it's limited to just this one element. I'm a worrier too. Having a confident, decisive, experienced T who is sure of himself just makes me feel safer and thus, less anxious. My Ts have to be at least 60, but I have different issues than you and am not as young.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like you are having trouble making a decision all around. Regardless of your choice, there will be what ifs....I haven't followed all of the threads...did you make a list of pros and cons of each T you feel comfortable with?

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by skies

The responses indicate this might be a very individualized thing. If you choose someone relatively inexperienced, you can grow together. That might be beneficial to your relational bond.

You mentioned something to this effect-transference does not know age or gender. I had a really maternal transference with former T, who was male, but so far it seems I have more of a paternal transference with current T.

You sound very anxious all around; I don't think it's limited to just this one element. I'm a worrier too. Having a confident, decisive, experienced T who is sure of himself just makes me feel safer and thus, less anxious. My Ts have to be at least 60, but I have different issues than you and am not as young.

Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like you are having trouble making a decision all around. Regardless of your choice, there will be what ifs....I haven't followed all of the threads...did you make a list of pros and cons of each T you feel comfortable with?

I did a pros and cons list - the other Ts were older (not much, but in their early 40s) and had more experience than this one, but I felt way more comfortable with her. One of them I thought would be too academic/cerebral for me, which I don't need more of - I have enough trouble with my constant self-analysis and I don't need anyone making me feel even more pathological. The other one I really didn't click with and she told me we probably weren't going to be a good fit. The one I started seeing I had a really good feeling about.

And yeah, maternal transference knows no age and no gender, but it usually starts right away with a vengeance with someone who's my mother's age, and can take longer to develop in younger/older people, so it gives me some time to get comfortable with the relationship before things start to spiral out of control.

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

The one I started seeing I had a really good feeling about.

And yeah, maternal transference knows no age and no gender, but it usually starts right away with a vengeance with someone who's my mother's age, and can take longer to develop in younger/older people, so it gives me some time to get comfortable with the relationship before things start to spiral out of control.

She sounds really promising.

Things don't have to spiral out of control. I know everyone says you bring the same issues with Ts, and I agree with that to an extent, but I felt totally different with each T I've had so far. It could be just me, but it's something to think about.

You could talk to her about this concern, and move slowly and carefully.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by skies

. I know everyone says you bring the same issues with Ts, and I agree with that to an extent, but I felt totally different with each T I've had so far. It could be just me, but it's something to think about.

I do not have the same difficulties with the second one I see that I do with the first. I don't leave the second one in a frustrated rage, we have never stood yelling at each other like the first one has done with me, and the second one explains which the first one does not.

You know Stopdog, after I posted that, I was just thinking how different it could be.
It really is about "the match", I think....

Good example.