[unlockingsanity]

I just wanted to share something positive with you guys.

I had a hard termination a few years ago, when my T gave up his practice. He gave me his notes when we finished and while I'm glad I read them, they have been a thorn in my side. The truth of how he felt during the process and his view of me, was tortuous to say the least.

I really thought it was a positive relationship at the time. I thought we were a good fit. What I didn't know, was that 5 years isn't a whole of lot of experience for a therapist. What I didn't know, was that there is a difference between saying you understand and actually understanding.

These notes have haunted me since I got them. I've only read them cover to cover twice, but sometimes when I've felt low, I've used them as punishment against myself.

It took almost three years, but today I shredded and burned them all. I refuse to be held hostage by that relationship any longer.

It wasn't my fault he couldn't help me.
It wasn't my fault that I was struggling to cope.
It wasn't my fault that he didn't/couldn't understand me.
It wasn't my fault that he questioned his efficacy.

I wanted to share this with you guys because I know many of us struggle with finding the steps necessary to move forward after painful endings.

Healing takes time, but it can happen. You just need the courage to take that first step.

[HazelGirl]

That's so terrible. I am so sorry.

But I am glad you are choosing to move on. There's nothing else you can do. And it was not your fault.

[Asiablue]

Wow, that is so brave to get rid of them but so healthy. Well done.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Sorry to hear about the impact reading treatment notes has had on you and that you are making a positive step to do something about it. Makes me relate in that I think my ex-T was a new T at the time he saw me. Maybe was in his first couple months, or at least his first year. I tried to access my records and there was nothing from him or my p-doc anywhere in my records. I thought that to be strange. And I was sad because I wanted to read what they wrote... However, maybe I would be doing just what you are doing right now if I had.
I like how you say that it wasn't your fault, because it wasn't.
He was new, he did the best he could. If he intentially tried to hurt you that would be one thing, but it sounds like this wasn't the case. He was new and questioned himself and his abilities. He didn't and couldn't understand you. None of this is your fault. We all struggle to cope and I thank you for sharing your story in an effort to cope with this huge hurt and disappointment. I think it's true that we need to grieve what wasn't there for us - as kids, we have to grieve the fact that we didn't have parents who were there for us in the ways we needed them to be there for us. We have to grieve that we will in fact never have this because our childhood is over, the time has already passed. This is what I'm reminded of with the story of your treatment experience. Grieve that. You had a new T who didn't really know what they were doing, or what to do with you, how to handle you, or relate/understand you. Grieve that they will never be what you wanted them to be. That they never will understand and give you what you need because it is over. It's too late. It's already gone. And it's nobody's fault, especially not yours, but it's over. Move on.

[So hopeful]

This is fantastic! You were carrying around something painful for too long. Please try to remember that those notes were just one person's necessarily flawed thoughts and that your sense of self and your self-esteem shouldn't hinge on one person's thoughts, no matter how genuinely you felt you revealed yourself to him during your sessions.

I say that, but I'm not sure I'd have the strength you did to bear knowing what my therapist really thinks of me. I want to live in the illusion that he might think something good of me. I feel sick just thinking about it.

I'm so glad for you. That was such a strong gesture - and good riddance! I hope you continue to feel empowered by your decision. You should!

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

It wasn't my fault he couldn't help me.
It wasn't my fault that I was struggling to cope.
It wasn't my fault that he didn't/couldn't understand me.
It wasn't my fault that he questioned his efficacy.

Good for you. You are absolutely right.


I do have a question, though, if you don't mind me asking. What do you mean "reading what he really thought of you"? He actually wrote negative things in his notes? Why would he give these to you then!? Is this common practice/ethical??? I just haven't heard of it before so I'm curious. It's so sad to hear you used them as a punishment toward yourself.