[AmysJourney]

In a conversation with my T recently we talked about this topic, if a therapist should tell their clients that they love them. I don't know exactly how it came up but her view on this is that she would never say "I love you" to a client. She signs her emails sometimes with "Love, T" but that's how far she goes. She asked me how it would make me feel if she did, and after thinking about it for a while I realized I wouldn't like it at all! We discussed it for a while and my gut feeling remained that it would be too close for me. It was interesting - she said it's a good assessment I have of myself and that I am at a great place with myself to be so clear. She says other clients tell her that they love her but she finds ways to reply to this in a sensitive but clear way. She says the fondness towards her client is very real, love however is not. I like my T a lot, I would even sometimes say that I love her - but in that kind of love I have for the baker at the grocery store who always smiles with that adorable gap between his teeth :-) But I would never say I love you to him and I would NEVER say that to my T.
So does your T tell you they love you? Do you want them to? Do you tell them?

[stopdog]

No. And I hope to god she never does. That would completely freak me out and I would not like it. I do not want to be loved by a therapist - in any of its meanings. I am not particularly keen on when the woman has said she likes me.

[HealingTimes]

Yes my T has told me that she loves me.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by HealingTimes

Yes my T has told me that she loves me.

Just out of curiosity, do you tell her that you love her too?

[Gavinandnikki]

Many times she has said "I love you". Took a couple of years. And I believed her. Even with her love, she couldn't save me from my addictions. I have to do THAT on my own :-(.

[HealingTimes]

Originally Posted by Amelia112

Just out of curiosity, do you tell her that you love her too?

No I don't. I cant remember what the context was, but she was reassuring me of her commitment to our relationship after I was having a very bad time with trust/abandonment issues. I think she said something like "I have a lot of love for you as a person" and I was like "wtf does that mean" and she said "it means that I love you".

She is really the only person to have ever said that to me (apart from my children) and I wasn't sure how to respond.

One time he did. I think it just really slipped out sort of reflexively. He was speaking with me on the phone (and don't remember the context of our conversation), and as we said goodbye, he said, "Goodbye Chris, love ya." I honestly am not sure he even realized he said it. It didn't bother me particularly. We do have that sort of familial, natural way of communicating. It felt like how my phone conversations end with my parents or my sister. Just kind of reflexive and natural.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Amelia112

I like my T a lot, I would even sometimes say that I love her - but in that kind of love I have for the baker at the grocery store who always smiles with that adorable gap between his teeth :-) But I would never say I love you to him and I would NEVER say that to my T.
So does your T tell you they love you? Do you want them to? Do you tell them?

The bit about the baker made me I could just imagine you going up to him and declaring you love his smile!

Yes, mine does. Or did. I did want her to. It made me think wft at first, why I wanted it, and I had some agonized conversations, and then I realised I wanted her to be my sister (at that point, anyway) and it felt really peaceful and right. It gave me confidence. I wrapped it round me like a layer of light going out into the world.

She knew for ages about that kind of love I had, too. I had been saying it in written form, but not verbal. And then on New Year's Eve, we were in different countries and talking on the phone, and she was being extremely attuned and gentle, and kept saying how this could be a good time of year for us to tell each other important things. I ignored her and then later she sent me a lovely message telling me lovely things that left me in no doubt that she loved me. Then when I got back to London, I finally had to say it - that I felt love for her, and felt so loved in return, and was it real in interpreting her care as love or was I going crazy? And she said it was real, and maybe we needed to take it off the page, and say it aloud. And we said it

It calmed something in me, and affirmed my ability to recognize love.

Our best days might be far behind us in my therapy now, but her love was the most reparative thing I have experienced in my lifetime. The only thing that has come close to the love I gave and got from my late mother.

I don't know. I feel like she taught me to love myself again, after I got very lost and wandered into some dark spaces, simply by loving me.

ETA: For clarity, I am talking about my T and not my local baker..

[HazelGirl]

My T has not. She has said she cares about me, and she has said I have many people in my life who love me. But she has not said she loves me. And I am completely okay with that.

[Favorite Jeans]

No she's never said it. I think I'd like it if she did though. I often hate the intensity of our relationship and I think that if I knew she loved me I wouldn't feel as resentful of how incredibly hard I find this process to be. It would be like she was invested at a whole other level. I don't think she'd ever say that though.

Probably if she did I'd find a reason not to believe her and I'd be a brat about it and protest, hoping for her to really convince me. Ugh! I hate people who fish like that! I hate the part of me that I bring to therapy. I'm much less hideous, smarter, more efficient and mature in my life outside of that room.

She's told me that she cares about me though. Which is kind of a related phenomenon.

[melania]

Yes........

Originally Posted by Amelia112

In a conversation with my T recently we talked about this topic, if a therapist should tell their clients that they love them. I don't know exactly how it came up but her view on this is that she would never say "I love you" to a client. She signs her emails sometimes with "Love, T" but that's how far she goes. She asked me how it would make me feel if she did, and after thinking about it for a while I realized I wouldn't like it at all! We discussed it for a while and my gut feeling remained that it would be too close for me. It was interesting - she said it's a good assessment I have of myself and that I am at a great place with myself to be so clear. She says other clients tell her that they love her but she finds ways to reply to this in a sensitive but clear way. She says the fondness towards her client is very real, love however is not. I like my T a lot, I would even sometimes say that I love her - but in that kind of love I have for the baker at the grocery store who always smiles with that adorable gap between his teeth :-) But I would never say I love you to him and I would NEVER say that to my T.
So does your T tell you they love you? Do you want them to? Do you tell them?

Your native language is German, right? I'm not sure about the usage of "lieben" - can you use that with friends and people you are very fond of, who are not family or romantic partners?

[brillskep]

No, and my guess is he wouldn't say that to any client. Big words for a therapist and lots of risks in saying it. He has said many times that he cares about me. I also said I care about him (only after he said it to me a couple of times, for personal security reasons). If he said he loved me, I would say I love him too. Well, after recovering from the shock and making sure he's still himself, that is.

I read this online article on the subject, years ago. It's by a therapist talking about why she wouldn't use the L word with a client. I think she makes some great points, with intelligence and sensitivity. In case anyone wants to read:
Unspoken « what a shrink thinks

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by brillskep

No, and my guess is he wouldn't say that to any client. Big words for a therapist and lots of risks in saying it. He has said many times that he cares about me. I also said I care about him (only after he said it to me a couple of times, for personal security reasons). If he said he loved me, I would say I love him too. Well, after recovering from the shock and making sure he's still himself, that is.

I read this online article on the subject, years ago. It's by a therapist talking about why she wouldn't use the L word with a client. I think she makes some great points, with intelligence and sensitivity. In case anyone wants to read:
Unspoken « what a shrink thinks

That article was wonderful and almost made me cry!! Thank you for sharing it!
I thought of my T who told me that she can't say "I love you" to me, that those words are reserved for family and (I think she said) close friends. She will say "I care for you very much", and has told me that many times. She's shown me her love through her actions, though, even though she won't use that word.

[brillskep]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

That article was wonderful and almost made me cry!! Thank you for sharing it!

I'm glad if you found it helpful.

[tealBumblebee]

Yes, my T does tell me that she loves me. I know that it comes from a good place and I do believe and try to make myself accept that she loves me. I don't see a problem with a T saying that so long as it is honest/genuine and not just to "make me feel good." I know that she loves me from a Christian perspective and as she has gotten to know me, she's mentioned that she loves me because she see's me in spite of and beyond my actions/reactions.

Odddly enough, I have never said it back to her but I do love her. I mean, I have a hard time saying thank you to compliments (usually I reciprocate them with silence or an "" look) but I think she knows that I love her too.

[MASIMO]

No, but he doesn't have to, I know in my heart he does. He shows it in his actions,
his words (Not I love you) but other ways he relates to me. As a woman, I can feel the chemistry between us, and after 7 years I have become comfortable with our relationship as it is. Intimate and loving but we both uphold the boundaries. Do I wish he would actually say the words, sure. I would accept it as genuine, just as I hope he accepts it when I occassionally express it to him, usually via email. It wouldn't change things though because as I said, I already know he does. He says he cares for me and I cant expect any more from him as a professional T. But I can say it all I want: I LOVE YOU DOC!

[sailorboy]

Neither of us has said it. I may one day though I doubt T would use the word. For me it isn't something I need to hear. I feel Ts love.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Amelia112

So does your T tell you they love you?

NO.

Originally Posted by Amelia112

Do you want them to?

No.

Originally Posted by Amelia112

Do you tell them?

All the damn time

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

Your native language is German, right? I'm not sure about the usage of "lieben" - can you use that with friends and people you are very fond of, who are not family or romantic partners?

Yes, we just have a different usage of the word, we phrase the sentence differently. So the "Ich liebe Dich" is for lovers and partners, family. And "Ich habe dich lieb" for friends, family etc. Neither is something I would say to a therapist ever in Germany.

But I am in the US now so in here I am talking about the 'I Love You' that English speakers use.

Originally Posted by Amelia112

But I am in the US now so in here I am talking about the 'I Love You' that English speakers use.

And that's why English is difficult. Many ambiguities in our language. Words and phrases can have multiple meanings, all completely appropriate to specific contexts. There is no one definition or context to the phrase "I love you".

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

And that's why English is difficult. Many ambiguities in our language. Words and phrases can have multiple meanings, all completely appropriate to specific contexts. There is no one definition or context to the phrase "I love you".

Oh yes, I am sure it's true. But what my T and I talked about was the L word and specifically "I love you" so that's what I was referring to in my question, especially because my T was so strict about not saying it to her clients.

Yes, but we are all to some degree influenced by the connotations we have to a term in our own language, when we use the closest equivalent in another language; truly bilingual people may also have see slightly different shades of meanings to words in their respective languages, compared to people who have one main language. Doubtless you are also aware of the fact that "love" is used a little more frequently in the US than in some other English speaking countries.

I do therapy in English with a native English speaker (who has lived in this country for 45 years or so) and I would feel very disconcerted if he were to tell me that he loved me. I would think that very inappropriate indeed. I can tell my closest American friends that I love them, and am not repulsed when they say the same to me. But my British-born T... no, no, no. He says that he likes me, and that's fine.

[tealBumblebee]

What I don't understand is...

I get that people say "I don't need them to tell me they love me, because they show me." Why is it so unacceptable for a T to say they love a client but if a mother, father, friend, husband, wife, sister, brother, child, teacher, pastor, whomever is intimate to you loves you and never says it - then the person is left feeling neglected? If you know a T loves you, then why is it wrong for them to state the obvious? If I know I don't like someone, I'm not going to beat around the bush and hope that they read my actions. I'm simply not going to entertain them at all.

I don't mean that a T has to love every client, nor a client every T - nor do I think that it's a requirement to do a good job. (I also think the professionalism scale is subjective to what you expect from a T.) For instance, if my doctor were to say it - it'd be weird. I don't know him like that or vice versa, but my T does self disclose a lot (and maybe she doesn't because I don't know the full spectrum of her life but I know many things about her past and present which I hold close and would never share with anyone else).

T tells me she loves me all the time, I never say it back. I do love her, and I think she knows I do, but my issues don't lie around the 'verbalizing' of the phrase as much as the verbalizing of any emotion. I think people put too much power in the "verbalizing" of the phrase, and if you honestly feel it there is nothing wrong with sharing that as long as you don't expect it to, and can accept if it is not, reciprocated. Imo, love for someone, though it may sting, doesn't just 'go away' when you find out that they don't love you back.

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

T tells me she loves me all the time, I never say it back. I do love her, and I think she knows I do, but my issues don't lie around the 'verbalizing' of the phrase as much as the verbalizing of any emotion. I think people put too much power in the "verbalizing" of the phrase, and if you honestly feel it there is nothing wrong with sharing that as long as you don't expect it to, and can accept if it is not, reciprocated. Imo, love for someone, though it may sting, doesn't just 'go away' when you find out that they don't love you back.

I would guess a decent therapist would generally have a feel for which clients can handle that phrase and which it would cause a problem for. It's clear from the variety of responses that the reception of that phrase of endearment is loaded or not loaded depending on personality, background, and even culture.