[rainbow8]

Elliemay's thread made me think of the situation I often face. I'm not sure if I minimize my feelings, or if I start making a "mountain out of a molehill" and then I calm down. Often something bothers me about my session and I post here, I ruminate about it, and I try to figure it out. Then I try to distract and it works so that by a few days before my session I wonder if my feelings were real or not. I don't know if they're still important or not.

Two weeks is a long time to "hold onto" the feelings. I kept imagining my T's face too close to me when she was doing the SE, but now that image is gone. I emailed her about the session and my feelings about her changing her mind. Now I feel like just "getting on with it" and seeing how the session goes without making a big deal about it. She will probably comment on my email but it seems hazy now. I don't know if I'm getting scared to talk about it, or it really isn't so important right now. I have trouble knowing what I really think and feel. Can anyone relate to this experience of reacting to a session very strongly but by the time of the next session, you're either afraid to bring it up, or you don't feel it's important anymore?

Seems pretty normal to me. Sessions can seem extremely intense right after we walk out the door, but given some distance, things normalize.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Is the issue that you felt she was too close in the previous session and it caused a lot of discomfort? Or is it something different?

I can definitely relate to reacting so strongly to a session and failing to bring it up the following session. Sometimes my nerves get the best of me and I start to wonder if it was all in my head and maybe there's a chance I was extra sensitive that session. Other times it really just is not bothering me as much as before and I choose not to waste session time on it.

At times it causes my head to spin for days, so I know how frustrating and confusing this feels.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

Is the issue that you felt she was too close in the previous session and it caused a lot of discomfort? Or is it something different?

I can definitely relate to reacting so strongly to a session and failing to bring it up the following session. Sometimes my nerves get the best of me and I start to wonder if it was all in my head and maybe there's a chance I was extra sensitive that session. Other times it really just is not bothering me as much as before and I choose not to waste session time on it.

At times it causes my head to spin for days, so I know how frustrating and confusing this feels.

The entire last session is the issue, but particularly about her "hovering over me" and controlling me, though she WASN'T really doing that. I don't want her to "take away" the touch again when we just started it! The touch isn't the problem, but I'm afraid if I make too much of a big deal about it she will think it IS the problem. It's also true that I stopped thinking about it so much, and think it's better to wait and see how I feel with the touch during my session this week. I'm also nervous, but I'm always nervous before a session. I also start to worry that she'll be sick and cancel. It's Tuesday, and I'm going away for a couple of sessions after that, so my anxiety is kicking in a little. I'm breathing now, slowing down. Thanks for understanding.

Chris, thank you. Yeah, last week was pretty intense. I felt overwhelmed. Hopefully, this session will be different.

[Freewilled]

I think I can relate...I almost feel like I'm a different person in session. I will feel strong feelings outside of session sometimes but then when I get there, I numb up. I can't seem to access the feelings. If I try to talk about it anyway, then I usually end up feeling extremely inauthentic...I don't have a good answer here cause I'm stuck in the middle of it myself right now

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

The entire last session is the issue, but particularly about her "hovering over me" and controlling me, though she WASN'T really doing that. I don't want her to "take away" the touch again when we just started it! The touch isn't the problem, but I'm afraid if I make too much of a big deal about it she will think it IS the problem. It's also true that I stopped thinking about it so much, and think it's better to wait and see how I feel with the touch during my session this week. I'm also nervous, but I'm always nervous before a session. I also start to worry that she'll be sick and cancel. It's Tuesday, and I'm going away for a couple of sessions after that, so my anxiety is kicking in a little. I'm breathing now, slowing down. Thanks for understanding.

That sounds like a great idea, especially since you are not thinking about it as much now. Maybe it will completely pass with a little more time and these feelings were actually a part of some healing you are internally experiencing. Healing doesn't always feel good. Sometimes it could feel excruciating and highly stressful. I would say if it happens again or even becomes a pattern, where you feel it more frequently after those types of sessions, definitely bring it up.

I know that anxiety over the session being cancelled all to well. And just as you said, I experience that anxiety when I know there will be a few sessions I will not be around for. It's like that session needs to be the gem that holds you over until you return and the thought of not having it is very anxiety-inducing.

[So hopeful]

I could have written this post - I completely relate. One of the disorienting side effects of therapy for me is that I don't trust any more my ability to judge which thoughts and feelings are really important and which are just exaggerated in the heat of the therapy crucible. It often makes me feel unreal and uncertain. Sometimes, like you, I've burned with something all week, but then am not feeling it at the next session and it seems inauthentic to bring it up. But then I'll feel it again later and get confused.

One thing that helps me is something you might already do. I take notes all week long - anything and everything that springs up even slightly in relation to the work. I'm super intense right after a session, when everything seems so huge and relevant, so I tend to write more the first day or two. I try to keep it pretty stream of consciousness, and I write 'you' as though I'm speaking to my therapist. I don't try to determine whether any of it's important or not, I just put it all down on paper. I let the paper hold onto the feelings for me. Otherwise I become an insomniac wreck trying to sort it all out, remember things and weigh their importance.

By the time I reread the week's notes the morning before a session, I feel like I'm better able to judge which impressions, thoughts and feelings are relevant and which are just sideshows. Even though I don't always have them in my mind, watching the same themes come up over and over again in my notes helps me see which ones have lasting value. Sometimes I take a few sparse notes with me to the session, which helps jog my memory if I'm feeling blank.

I don't feel like I have the kind of brain that could manage all that without seeing it in writing.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Seems pretty normal to me. Sessions can seem extremely intense right after we walk out the door, but given some distance, things normalize.

I agree. the intensity of the feeling decreases. I think it's a good thing to experience actually.

It helped me realize that feelings, no matter how strong, will fade. I usually don't have to act on them at all right then.

I may still act, but not under the weight of the emotion.

[Lamplighter]

Yeah I get the same sort of process going on - feeling quite intensely during and immediately after a session, but before long it all just fades and I'm left thinking 'wtf?' In my case I think it's some sort of unconscious defence - with my T it's out of sight out of mind, when I'm not with him, I forget all about him, he ceases to have any significance or meaning for me (except when he makes me angry, like the last few sessions!)

I know that's not the same for you Rainbow because you do think of your T outside of sessions, but I wonder if there isn't some sort of natural defence kicking in to help you cope with the feelings and what they are bringing up for you? If you have a pattern of squashing or not taking seriously your feelings, then I imagine it would be easy for you to lose touch with negative ones quite quickly, without even meaning to.

Just a thought.

By the way, I wanted to say, I'm so pleased for you that your T has reinstated touch, that's great!