[Lamplighter]

This is following on from my previous thread ‘Anger at T’ and is still about feeling angry at my therapist most of the time.

What I’d really like is if anyone who has experienced any phase of anger at their Ts, or is even feeling angry at them now (for whatever reason), would share how that makes them feel/felt vis a vis therapy and their T, and also and particularly, whether you got through an angry phase to reconnect or even connect for the first time, with T.

I am really struggling with seeing therapy as having any benefit to me at all at the moment, but have a sense that persevering with my anger and staying with T might actually be what I need to do to heal. But of course, no guarantees is there? So it would be really helpful to me to hear of anyone else’s experiences with anger and therapy.

I’m not looking for a dissection or critique of my motives and feelings, just a sharing of other people’s experiences .

Thanks

[LaborIntensive]

I am not sure what your asking/saying. Why would yoube in angry in the first place and directed at a person trying to help you?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

persevering with my anger

Thoughts, feelings, and emotions come and go and when I have ever had something "stick" for longer than I like I remind myself of that and start looking at myself and the sticking rather than at the incident. When I have looked beyond the anger or compared the degree of anger and the actual situation (called and yelled at a grocery store manager, for example, because I left one of my grocery bags behind; I bought something like 5 small items and the clerk packed them in 2 bags, one of which I didn't see and left :-) I find my response is often out in some way (degree, purpose -- what did I want the poor manager to do? I'd already left the bag; I could go back and get it or not (it was a can of cat food, the reason I went to the store in the first place :-) and that serves as a "flag" for me to look at what is really the problem/going on. It usually turns out that I am anxious about something else, totally different, and am displacing my anger.

Therapy is harder because there is an actual conversation/interaction going on with the therapist as well as all our other stuff and "outside" influences can be harder to see when we get angry or depressed, anxious, etc.

[stopdog]

I have been angry at the therapist. She mocked me and she does not listen, she guesses wrong almost every time she tries to say some thing, she refuses to answer questions and never admits when she is wrong. I got around it by seeing other therapists and finally settling on one other who does listen and who will explain as well as finally getting the woman not to talk.
I am usually quite direct about being angry with her. An example is with her dog. She promised the dog would never be there again- but then one morning right before the appointment, emailed and told me the dog was there. I had no problem with her canceling, but the dog thing made me angry- why tell me it was over the dog? When I asked her, the woman said she (for no reason based on experience with me in my opinion) thought I had softened my stance on her dog. I was like wtf? Of course I had not and if I had, it would have been more appropriate to check before thrusting it at me. Then she tried to say the dog had not been a distraction even though I thought it had. So I produced the evidence from her where she had left a message saying she had been distracted by the dog. We now do not mention her dog.

[AmysJourney]

I have been angry with a previous therapist, yes. She tried to do extreme exposure therapy on me and I knew she was wrong, I knew she went too far and I knew it was bad for me. Yet she kept insisting that I just wasn't able to see things clearly, that my resistance was a sign of trauma and that if I wanted to work on the trauma I had to build trust that she knew what she was doing. Being in a suggestive state at that time I decided that she was probably right but it kept hurting me and I carried huge anger at her into every session. One day I just completely exploded and yelled at her that she is not helping me but destroying me. That she had no idea how to do her job with me and that I felt violated in the worst way possible.
And what did she do? She smiled at me! She thought I made a huge breakthrough with this outburst. It was so stupid, so patronizing - I quit with her. She kept trying to convince me to get back and work through this, but she was a crap therapist so I didn't go back.
I am not an angry person at all, but with her I really lost it. She was not right and I hated that she wanted to use my rightful anger and turn it into something that it absolutely wasn't.
The positive thing was that I learned how to express when something doesn't feel right and to stand up for myself and most importantly, that not every feeling or emotion has a deeper issue.

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by LaborIntensive

I am not sure what your asking/saying. Why would yoube in angry in the first place and directed at a person trying to help you?

Hello LaborIntensive. I'm asking if anyone else has had issues of feeling angry at their T for any length of time, and if and how they resolved it (or not, as the case might be.)

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have been angry at the therapist. She mocked me and she does not listen, she guesses wrong almost every time she tries to say some thing, she refuses to answer questions and never admits when she is wrong. I got around it by seeing other therapists and finally settling on one other who does listen and who will explain as well as finally getting the woman not to talk.
I am usually quite direct about being angry with her. An example is with her dog. She promised the dog would never be there again- but then one morning right before the appointment, emailed and told me the dog was there. I had no problem with her canceling, but the dog thing made me angry- why tell me it was over the dog? When I asked her, the woman said she (for no reason based on experience with me in my opinion) thought I had softened my stance on her dog. I was like wtf? Of course I had not and if I had, it would have been more appropriate to check before thrusting it at me. Then she tried to say the dog had not been a distraction even though I thought it had. So I produced the evidence from her where she had left a message saying she had been distracted by the dog. We now do not mention her dog.

Stopdog my obvious question would be if she pisses you off so much, what is it you're getting that keeps you seeing her? How are you able to keep seeing and working with someone who angers you so much?

I also wonder if by your being able to show anger at this T, and obviously she takes it - I gather she doesn't threaten to quit or tell you that she can't help you - that that doesn't in some way constitute some sort of healing, or is helpful in some way?

Just wondered, as I'm trying to apply others' experiences to mine in the hope of finding something that will keep me going, or convince me there is value in this dynamic I seem to get caught up in.

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by AmysJourney

I have been angry with a previous therapist, yes. She tried to do extreme exposure therapy on me and I knew she was wrong, I knew she went too far and I knew it was bad for me. Yet she kept insisting that I just wasn't able to see things clearly, that my resistance was a sign of trauma and that if I wanted to work on the trauma I had to build trust that she knew what she was doing. Being in a suggestive state at that time I decided that she was probably right but it kept hurting me and I carried huge anger at her into every session. One day I just completely exploded and yelled at her that she is not helping me but destroying me. That she had no idea how to do her job with me and that I felt violated in the worst way possible.
And what did she do? She smiled at me! She thought I made a huge breakthrough with this outburst. It was so stupid, so patronizing - I quit with her. She kept trying to convince me to get back and work through this, but she was a crap therapist so I didn't go back.
I am not an angry person at all, but with her I really lost it. She was not right and I hated that she wanted to use my rightful anger and turn it into something that it absolutely wasn't.
The positive thing was that I learned how to express when something doesn't feel right and to stand up for myself and most importantly, that not every feeling or emotion has a deeper issue.

Interesting that you had an opposite sort of experience from me - whereby your T was pushing you to express anger and was pleased when you did, yet that was exactly what you didn't find healing.

I'm sorry she pushed you so hard with the trauma work - I know how it feels when you're sitting with a T whom you just know is doing the wrong thing, is following some sort of text book technique without checking that it's actually appropriate for you the individual. It's good that your anger stood you in good stead though and enabled you to leave. It saved you I suppose?

[Lamplighter]

Originally Posted by Perna

Thoughts, feelings, and emotions come and go and when I have ever had something "stick" for longer than I like I remind myself of that and start looking at myself and the sticking rather than at the incident. When I have looked beyond the anger or compared the degree of anger and the actual situation (called and yelled at a grocery store manager, for example, because I left one of my grocery bags behind; I bought something like 5 small items and the clerk packed them in 2 bags, one of which I didn't see and left :-) I find my response is often out in some way (degree, purpose -- what did I want the poor manager to do? I'd already left the bag; I could go back and get it or not (it was a can of cat food, the reason I went to the store in the first place :-) and that serves as a "flag" for me to look at what is really the problem/going on. It usually turns out that I am anxious about something else, totally different, and am displacing my anger.

Therapy is harder because there is an actual conversation/interaction going on with the therapist as well as all our other stuff and "outside" influences can be harder to see when we get angry or depressed, anxious, etc.

So what you're saying Perna is that your anger was never appropriate or specifically related to T? That it was usually sparked by or displaced from something else and that you resolved any anger issues with T in therapy by assuming it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with other stuff in your life? A bit like transference in a way then?

Were you comfortable expressing anger at T, even if ultimately you found he wasn't the cause of it? Or was anger not ok? I ask because I think many Ts deflect or disapprove of anger directed at them and consciously push a client to look for other reasons and causes of it - in my opinion often unproductively, and not always correctly...

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

This is following on from my previous thread ‘Anger at T’ and is still about feeling angry at my therapist most of the time.

What I’d really like is if anyone who has experienced any phase of anger at their Ts, or is even feeling angry at them now (for whatever reason), would share how that makes them feel/felt vis a vis therapy and their T, and also and particularly, whether you got through an angry phase to reconnect or even connect for the first time, with T.

I am really struggling with seeing therapy as having any benefit to me at all at the moment, but have a sense that persevering with my anger and staying with T might actually be what I need to do to heal. But of course, no guarantees is there? So it would be really helpful to me to hear of anyone else’s experiences with anger and therapy.

I’m not looking for a dissection or critique of my motives and feelings, just a sharing of other people’s experiences .

Thanks

As I indicated in your previous thread, Yep. I was mad at heck at my therapist. Over every little thing. Nothing was right. Turns that he hearing me loud and clear, just not responding in a manner I was accustomed to hearing, very frustrating. As it turns out, if anything that he said went against my pre-conceived notion of how it should be, I would get angry.
I was *that* invested in the status quo and that scared.

To be honest, I really don't know why I kept going to therapy, and I would often just up and quit. I kept going back though, he kept taking me back, and it helped. Engaging my logical brain helped. Giving it a chance helped (or maybe I was just desparate and knew deep down it was my last shot at change - no matter how much I fought it).

Having my therapist call me on it helped. Talking about the anger helped. We talked and talked and talked. Then we talked some more.

It helped.

This therapist is now one of my favorite people in the world, although our journey together is over.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

Stopdog my obvious question would be if she pisses you off so much, what is it you're getting that keeps you seeing her? How are you able to keep seeing and working with someone who angers you so much?

I also wonder if by your being able to show anger at this T, and obviously she takes it - I gather she doesn't threaten to quit or tell you that she can't help you - that that doesn't in some way constitute some sort of healing, or is helpful in some way?
in.

She does stay back which is quite important to me. And it is not like I was hurting the therapist. Why would she care one way or the other if a client was angry?
I was never looking for healing. And I do see the other therapist too as well as some others for answers.