[granite1]

my T can be bootcamp T and then she can be so empathetic . I was so thankful for her today . I just told her right out that I just did not want to argue with her today, that I couldn't handle it, I told her about pickle puss my cat dying and how my husband was, how I reacted to my husband and everything. I told her how I could not be there for my husband .and how he wouldn't even be in the same room as me. I told her how I depend on him to much about everything and that he is my rock and when he crumbles I fall apart. I told her that made me feel so useless .I didn't know how to help him. she talked some about how if I showed any care about something like that that the mother would have torn me apart. but when I didn't she also beat the hell out of me saying I was selfish and uncaring ,a monster, heartless. and the list went on . but really that does not excuse how I acted not ,in today. but I just don't know how to make him feel better . or how not to be so self absorbed . I started crying again . god talk about pathetic . she must think me so weak and selfish to be crying. I feel stupid because I started pleading with her to help me not be this way. she said first we need to understand one thing . the way you are feeling about all this is not how I am seeing you at all. .I don't know what to make of that .that statement scared the hell out of me . I am facing the reality of who I am and she doesn't even come close to seeing me and who I am . if she doesn't how can she help me at all. SHE CANT. I feel so unfixable. she said it was easier for me to show nothing to the mother then to risk her shredding my heart to pieces . she said it was probably what saved my life and sanity .I don't understand these comments much and am scared to ask further .I don't ever want to get into the habit of blaming the mother for things like this . I cant handle thinking about her now . all I want right now is for my T to see me for who I am and to really help me to change this so that my husband will not get tired of me and leave me. I do have to say that not once did she make me feel horrible for the stuff that went on with my cat and I thank her for that . and she didn't really turn into boot camp T when I was telling her how I am feeling like demon spawn. but she said I can be strong for my husband . I kind of got angry and said how I have no idea how .and that alone makes me hate myself even more. she did give me some ideas and that helped. like telling him I know how hard it is for him to be going through this . maybe give him a card telling him I love him so much(I may do this) sorry this is so long

[sweepy62]

Im glad your t did not go boot camp on you, I have been through the loss of a pet, but, I hate to hear you put yourself down so much, the idea of buyin hubby a card sounds good. You can be there for him in small ways, that mean so much, but you must take care of yourself as well. You are mourning your pet as well, and you dont deserve to keep demeaning yourself. Its easier said than done, my self esteem is crap right now, but im stepping up to the plate to work on it, even if my t gets all boot camp t about my self esteem, which she does, except, I just tell her to stop talking.

Bottom line, im gonna go bootcamp on you when you put yourself down lol because I CARE.

[velcro003]

granite, the first thought that came to mind was that you are especially vulnerable right now, so probably were able to show T more "true" emotion than you normally do, and therefore she can respond in kind. Of course she is going to be empathetic to your poor kitty dying! I think she has always understood more than you think of your mother's abuse on you, but it is hard for you to take in.

she said first we need to understand one thing . the way you are feeling about all this is not how I am seeing you at all. .I don't know what to make of that .that statement scared the hell out of me . I am facing the reality of who I am and she doesn't even come close to seeing me and who I am . if she doesn't how can she help me at all. SHE CANT. I feel so unfixable.

I think she means that you are always so closed off and outwardly showing little emotion, despite what you feel on the inside. It might even be hard for you to understand that, but i bet if you could see a video of you in sessions you might be surprised how stoic you seem in compared to how your thoughts were racing around your mind. I agree with this: she said it was easier for me to show nothing to the mother then to risk her shredding my heart to pieces . she said it was probably what saved my life and sanity.
don't you see that you had to outwardly show as little as possible to try and not get your mother's wrath on you? You had no idea what could set her off, so therefore you made yourself as quiet, small, non-emotional as possible in order to save yourself. It makes complete sense to me.

.I don't ever want to get into the habit of blaming the mother for things like this
oh, granite i wish you could see that your adult life is shaped SO much by the terrible, awful abuse your mother endured upon you, and that the way you react/think IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Hopefully, one day you will.

all I want right now is for my T to see me for who I am and to really help me to change this so that my husband will not get tired of me and leave me.
First of all, i highly doubt your husband is suddenly going to get sick of you and leave you. It seems like you guys have been through a lot together, and he seems to truly love you and care for you. Right now he is grieving, so may not seem like his normal self/his vulnerabilities are high….JUST LIKE YOURS ARE. Give him and yourself some extra breathing room and space for awhile. It is ok. I promise.