[Ambra]

Sorry in advance for this wall of words, the problem is, my T asked me to think about my current worries and tell her how i really feel. But I'm not good at all with words and I'm ashamed.
This week I'm seeing her but since I had to cut some sessions, the coming one is really important and I wanted to let her know what's going on. So here is what I have prepared. I'm going to adjust it before bringing it in session and I'll probably have to read it loud. I wanted to ask for your opinion, if you feel like reading.
I know that I always fear being dumped, like a broken record.
But I wanted address it more clearly to her as she actually has no idea about it and I think it's the right moment to let her know given the circumstances.
Has anyone brought in a letter to read their T, how did it go?
Thanks to who will read it.

"I told you I'm totally fine about moving and all the changes, I can take care of myself now. It is true, but last week I was learning all those new things and I couldn't come to the session and became more anxious, no matter how many times I've left home in the past, it seems like I have run out of resilience this time and I'm not in the best state of mind.

I really want to break the bonds that keep me from feeling good, but this brings up so many fears that I had buried a long time ago. I'm scared of ending up completely alone and am sorry about leaving without sorting things out with my parents. I can't get over it, I love them too much. Thank you for the plan we made: without your support I would never have found the courage to talk about my ed to them, so at least I'm relieved as I did what I could. I hope you'll be there when they'll want to process it.

About being on my own: I fear that my friends will forget me, that everyone will, very soon. This is stupid, I know they will not, especially my best friend. I can already imagine him coming to my place out of the blue for a chat and a pizza.

The thing I fear the most is not to be able to see you as regularly as before, which is now happening. It will probably be for this month only, maybe the next one, but it has thrown me in a deep sadness. I'm overly distressed about this. I fear I will relapse and nobody will be there or that once I can afford weekly sessions again you will have filled my hour and you will be no longer available regularly (which is nonsense, I know, as you have always found me a space in your caseload and the proof of it is this session).

I'm (almost!) sure that everything will be ok, but I needed to express this sense of abandonment and disorientation, maybe it is because I got this chance totally out of the blue while I'm not feeling strong nor stable yet, and I am terrified that my safe place will be missing and that I will break the positive pattern I'm learning. Our sessions are the only familiar thing at the moment and I have realized I'm very attached to all this.

I just fear being cut out. Like when my parents forgot me everywhere, at school, at the supermarket. With their family friends, those monsters.
I have to go back there this week by the way, I really don't want to. It is shame and fear everytime. A sense of incompleteness has come up lately. I will need to give it a closure sooner or later. Not now, because I think I'll better fix the current issues first. But I will have to do it and I am worried that you won't have time for me by then and I will be referred to someone else or left half way to my goals. I hope you will agree to be there and help me with it once and for all."

I'm pretty sure all this comes from having to cut my sessions, which increases my fear of being dumped. There is usually no contact between sessions except for rescheduling reasons, so I basically need to tell T that I'm afraid she'll forget I'm not done just because I am cutting the sessions temporarily. Which is useless, as there's nothing we can do about it. But I still needed to tell her to remember - and I hope it will give me some more serenity in the coming months.
This will be the first time I expose myself so much. It sucks.
Thanks.

[nottrustin]

I think it is a great letter.

[Ambra]

Thank you very much.
I just hope I won't pass for a wimp for sharing that. I don't even know if it makes any sense or if it will make her think I'm a huge pain in the neck.